I am crying my eyes out

Dear Anisha ,

I cried all the way home from kindergarten. Today, they want that I leave you with them. If I am there , you don't want to abide by their rules. You try to break all the rules. The 'terrible two' period , and all the pampering you get at home is making you to ignore every rule they impose. You don't understand German and that makes it even more difficult. So , today , they want that I leave you with them. You were clinging to me and saying " No" when I said goodbye. I saw the fear in your eyes. I couldn't bear to see you like that - I closed the door of the KG room and broke into tears. Anisha , as much as it is hard for you , it's for me too. I wonder whether they take care of you well. I am sure they will. You might not get that special attention and enormous love , but I am sure you will be well cared for.

You love to go to KG. The first day in KG ( March 1st , 2017 ) you were screaming your lungs out. No ,you were not afraid. You cried because you didn't want to come back home :) It happened every single day then on - it's a struggle to bring you home everyday. Such was the happiness you had playing there. You were totally mesmerized. You cried all the way home after they sent us home on the first day , after an hour. You wanted to stay there longer, and, play , play and play.

You get ready every morning very happily. On reaching KG , you say bye to your dad several times. You hold my fingers and we climb the many steps, counting. You feel so happy to enter the room where your group children are ( you belong to ' little stars group ' ). As the children start coming one by one , you greet them happily. You love playing there with children , and the things that are present there. But , you don't like sitting in the table for breakfast. You simply couldn't sit there. You don't want to sit for eating fruits , too. And you don't want to sit with them when they are singing in the morning. Your mind is too active , you just want to run around. Not knowing the language makes things difficult , too.

Anisha , as I write this I feel much better. I wonder whether you are crying still. I wonder whether they are treating you kindly. I wonder whether I am doing the right thing - isn't your age too young for these struggles ? I wonder whether you will feel insecure hereafter. I wonder what's running in your mind now. I just want to hug you tight and say " see, I am here " . I can't wait to see you and hold you tight. Two more hours - I wish the time flies by ! Love you Anisha , I was never in so much love my entire 38 years of life. The mightiness of it makes me happy and fearful at the same time.

I know that , if not now , within a few weeks , you will be independent. You wouldn't want that I stay with you in KG. You might even forget me the entire time you stay there. As you grow , your need for me will get lesser and lesser. Many other people will become important in your life - first your teachers , then your friends , then the special someone who will make you dizzy with love , then your family , then your children who will make you realize what love is really about !  And someday , you might just call me everyday , or once a week to check how am I- just like , how I call my mother. But remember Anisha kutty , even in my deepest slumber I would always be thinking of you. I will be praying that you must be safe and happy always. That's what a mother's love is , and you will understand it when you become a mother yourself.

Love you so much , my dear daughter ! As you read this ,  imagine me as a ( crazy ) woman typing using her smart phone with stream of tears running down her cheeks :)

I really , really hope you stop crying and enjoy your time there.

Amma

Happy Spring Season !

Hope this spring brings you lots of happiness and joy ! Have a colourful life , Ani kutty ❤

Women's day message

" We are human beings just like men. We are not goddesses ; we are not meant to be loving , kind and caring all the time ; we don't have to sacrifice everything for the happiness of the family ;  we don't have to be chaste ; we don't need to be morally right everytime ; we don't need to be skinny , curvy , hot and beautiful ; we don't need to be well - groomed ; we don't need to give birth ,  be a mother , or a great home-maker ;  and most importantly , we don't need to fulfill any of the men's unrealistic expectations of who woman are. We are woman because we are born so. So , please allow as to live as you are. And women , stop saying these things : " My husband is a nice person , he never took dowry ; my in-laws are nice - they allowed me to work even after marriage , my husband was kind enough to use a part of my salary to support my parents etc , etc., You don't need others approval for being you. Stop allowing others to define who you are and how you must be. Realize , you are into this world just like them - you don't have to be a exceptional human to be a woman and you don't have to fulfill anyone's expectations of being a woman ! Women's day is not about celebrating " womanhood " ( why not celebrate menhood !  ) , it's all about uplifting other women who are not as privileged as you are and making them understand their rights. Don't get carried away by all the niceties said about you. Always remember , there are still so many women out there fighting to live a decent life , women who are denied basic human rights. Make sure to make a difference in one such woman's life. That's the real purpose of celebrating this day. If a woman thinks women's day is all about beautifying oneself to appear more feminine - sorry, you have a long way to go !

BE YOU !

Anisha , being a woman is simple and easy - just remember to be yourself !

Our little kitty !

That's you in today's carnival. You were a bit sleepy. You were not so happy with the crowd and noise :) I am not good at drawing , so please excuse me ! :)

25 months and breastfeeding still !

I can't be proud enough Anisha. People who think long time breastfeeding has no benefits are so wrong. You rarely fall ill , even if you do , it takes only couple of days for you to recover completely , yes completely ! In these two years , only once I took you to doctor for being unwell ( at 8 months ). They found redness in your throat and prescribed amoxycilin. That's it. Only when in India you caught cold couple of times , that was so mild. You didn't cough , you didn't have long periods of running nose. Just four to five days you had running nose then you were back to normal. Touch wood - you never had diarrhea or any other stomach problem. It was a cake walk for you as well as for me. But , it's definitely hard to feed you all the time. Nowadays , you constantly stick to my boobs  -  if you are bored , if you need solace , if you need milk , if you need to sleep and for many other reasons ! Sometimes you go on sucking , my nipples start to get dry and ache. Once you were doing so midnight , I got so angry , I told you that it hurts. You immediately turned to the other side. After few minutes , you turned back , held my chin , and said sorry. My heart just melted , I fed you without complaining afterwards :) Sometimes you come with your doll and ask milk for that too. I feed your dolls too :) I have heard enough criticisms. I don't care. As long as we both are comfortable , feeding will continue. The protection it gives you is enormous ! And the magic it has done to me is enormous too. I was never this thin. Especially my tummy fat has gone down a lot. Breastfeeding is not easy for both. To suck breasts you need lots of energy. To breastfeed I need lots of determination , patience and energy too. I am happy that we did it together.

Manju

Goat love !

Anisha , when we go back to India , we will have some pets at home. Pets teach many beautiful things which humans can't - the most important among them are unconditional love and mortality !

I am sorry - haven't written for a while !

I was not in a great shape , mentally. Was in no mood to write. Or , I wanted to stay way from everything for a while. Did it help me ? Unfortunately , not much.

I think I must also apologize to people who are visiting my blog for updates. We are fine , thank you !

Anisha , you have grown a lot. You speak a lot. You try to speak sentences. As you are hearing two different languages , it's a bit hard for you. But you understand both languages very well and follow all the commands. Next week onwards you will start kindergarten. So , you need to learn one more language - German ! I hope we are not confusing you too much. I really feel sorry for you. But you know what , you will come out much more intelligent by being exposed to so many languages. I am very sure about it. And you already know lots of words in English - by watching rhymes and cartoons !

You now want to have friends. Staying at home is boring for you. We went to India and came back. You had a friend named Shakthi - your first friend ! You loved her company. You even woke up saying her name :) As usual you enjoyed the India trip , and all the pampering that comes with it. After coming to Germany you were asking about Shakthi , Karthi and Deepu ( Anju's sons ). You were also saying thathaiya ( grandpa )  , mamaya ( uncle ), athaiya ( aunt ) , aachi ( my mom ) all the time. It was so clear you missed them all very much. It was a struggle for two weeks for all of us to get used to the life here in Germany.

You also enjoyed the company of all the animals. Goats are your favorite. There was a little goat , a very little one , born a week before we went to Madurai. You enjoyed every moment of your time with it. I see myself in you at such times. You even wanted to kiss the newly born buffalo in its mouth ! We need to forcibly remove you. Love for animals is of course controlled by genes , too.

You love birthday parties. You loved your second birthday party , too. You love the candles , the cake and singing " Happy to yooou" :) We are forever thankful for your presence.

I and you

nowadays fight a lot. You don't listen to what I say. I don't listen either. Your dad says we make a great combo :)

Will talk a lot later !

Here are some pictures of your birthday party ! That little girl is Shakthi.