My daughter, my eyes

Anisha, I wanted a daughter, and I wished she could have my eyes - eyes which look like mine !

I have got lot of compliments for my eyes. I used to say proudly that my eyes are my mother's gift to me. When I utter those words when young, I would dream of having a daughter with my eyes. When struggling with infertility, I used to wonder whether my wish will ever come true !

When you were a month old, the midwife commented, how big your eye lashes are ! My joy knew no bounds. As you grow, your eyes are getting a nice shape. I have looked at your eyes, and also into your eyes, more than I have looked at anyone else's. I ask your dad everyday whether your eyes look like mine.

In this picture of yours, your eyes appear very prominent and of course similar to mine. Doesn't it ? 

Two little feet, ten little toes

You leave footprints in our hearts, Ani kuttima. Love you and may God bless you abundantly !

"I’ll tickle your toes, I’ll check for monsters, I’ll show you the stars and teach you how to reach for them".

I found the above, in internet. Isn't that cute ?

The below picture was taken when you were seven months old. When you wave your legs in air, the music these little beads create, fills my heart with joy.

Many kisses,

Amma

One more dream come true

I dreamed of wearing a similar looking dress with my daughter and having a very beautiful picture.

Now, I have a beautiful daughter. So, I asked your aunt, my sister-in-law, to buy similar looking clothes for you and me. She brought so, stitched and sent it to us with your thathaiya and nanamma.

Don't we both look gorgeous ;)

With your paternal granddad !

Happiness is ...

               Seeing one's own grandchild

How many will have that privilege ? My dad didn't have !

Your first set of books !

Anisha, I am very happy to buy you two books - The going to bed book and Good night moon. I have little idea about books for children as young as you are. I searched in Google and found these books.They are perfect for your age - they have simple words, repetitive texts and attractive colours and pictures. They are sure to stimulate your imagination as you grow older. Now, when I read them aloud to you, it gives me much joy. We both sit infront of the book - you inbetween my legs; as I read aloud, you look at the book and then turn back and look at me. When I read, "the old lady whispering hush, hush, hush", you start to smile because of the hush sound. Reading books to you, before sleep, has now become our special moment - a special time which strengthens our bond !

Books are very good companions. The joy of reading a good book cannot be equated to anything else. I have spent  considerable amount of my childhood reading books. I read a lot of books in my mother tongue, and as well as in English. I wouldn't say everything I read are children books; I wouldn't say all that I read are intellectually stimulating ones. But, I read everything - everything I could lay my hands on - good, bad and worse ones ! I loved reading story books and comics for children. Some books were published monthly once, and the thrill of waiting to read them, and the happiness I got when they were finally in my hands cannot be explained in words.  I also read weekly magazines, novels and even the writings in pieces of paper that came as a wrapping during grocery shopping. I started reading very early, as early as five years old.  I remember my parents getting worried about the things I read. But, anyway I read - with or without their knowledge ! I don't have any regrets, because, such voracious, unprincipled reading is what which helps me to put my thoughts into words much efficiently, now.

My dad, made sure to buy me good books, books which were interesting for my age. Most of the gifts I got from him were books. He introduced me to Reader's digest. He got me old Reader's digest from platform vendors. Oh, what a joy it was to read reader's digest - the language was simple, the content was heart-capturing, especially, the old editions of Reader's digests were awesome. I wish I could get some old editions of it now !

When I was young, we went on a trip to Bangalore, with our relatives. There were children of my age in that group. When we went through a shopping area, other children were very eager to buy things which my dad couldn't afford to buy for us. I still remember a guitar, which is meant for children, in the display. It was very costly too. While others were buying such things for their children, my dad vanished from that place. When I was oggling at that guitar, my dad came back with a set of books in his hands. He bought for me Robinson Crusoe, Huckleberry Finn and Alice in wonderland. Although, the guitar was very attractive, the books that were in my hands did satisfy my little heart. I was so proud to hold them. They looked and smelled great. My dad has taught me many life lessons, the most important thing I learned from him was, to find happiness in little things - from books, from growing plants, from a hearty conversation - all small, small pleasures, but which gives immense happiness - a guilt-free happiness ! And, he also taught me the joy of giving gifts, especially, giving books as gifts.

To give you the happiness I got as a kid, to teach you the pleasure I enjoyed, I wanted to buy you lots of books, too. That was my dream even before you were born. Anisha, nothing else in this world could enlighten you, like books. They give you wings to fly- you can escape into an amazing, imaginary world;  they give you companionship; they give you joy; they give you moral strength during times of despair, they imbibe you with knowledge and wisdom; they make you laugh; they make you cry and most of all they make you think ! Good books will teach you empathy too - for sure good books will make you a better human. I sincerely hope you turn out to be a voracious reader.

So, little one, do you want to see whether you enjoyed your first set of books ? Yes, you did, see the pictures below ! Don't mind your grumpy dad, he was tired and was angry that I was taking photos of you, when it was time to sleep :) He was really tired after a long day of work, and we disturb his precious sleep nowadays, too often. That's not very kind of us :(

Love,
Amma

When Anisha gets annoyed :)

Anisha, recently you have started to babble a lot. When you get annoyed, this is how you talk :) Love you little one !

https://youtu.be/AiqC8KDsuRw

My first birthday with you and the little me !

Dear Anisha,

Today, I am 37 years old. Your presence has made this birthday very special. My previous few birthdays were just a reminder of passing years, empty arms and a yearning heart. And this year, my arms are too full and my heart very content. I thanked all the people who helped me to have you - it felt good to do so !

People asked me how I celebrated my b'day. If celebration is all about inviting friends, cutting cake and having a nice dinner, I didn't do anything of that sort. As usual, I spent all day with you while your dad was at work. We went to Krabbelgruppe meeting in the morning. It was held in playground this time. You were eagerly watching the children play.  Anisha, you have started to smile at children to get their attention. But alas, they were very busy running around and playing - no one noticed your smile.  You are too little for them. Wait little one, soon you can join them, I am sure you will have lots of fun !

In the morning, your dad wished me with a kiss on the forehead. I didn't think he remembered my birthday (normally he used to talk about it in advance and this time he didn't), but he did. He also told you that today is my birthday and made you kiss me. Then, he was off to work. In the afternoon, he called me to ask what model Amazon Kindle I would like to have and he got me the best which is available in the market. That's very, very sweet of him. I wanted to have a Kindle for a long time now. I hope you will give me enough time to read books ! It's also time to buy some books for you, I am excited about it !

I called my mom to get her blessings. She was very happy for me. She was excited because you are with us this birthday. She started to talk about her elder child proudly (that's me, me!) - how I was, when little ! She said a lot of things about me.

Your grandma said, I was 3.5 kgs when born. I had lots of curly hair and looked like a doll. My eye lid was red in colour and everyone was saying that I came with a natural eye shadow. I captured everyone's attention. I was a very happy and friendly baby too. I was so friendly that I didn't want to come back to my parents after going to strangers ! :P I had a special liking for doctors, and when taken to  hospitals, invariably, my parents have to struggle to take me back from the doctor !

My mom had enough breastmilk until I was six months old. Then, there was not much. My parents not knowing how to feed an infant, gave me cerelac diluted like milk. I started to lose weight. My grandma who came to visit us was shocked to see me. She scolded my mom for being so ignorant. She started giving solid foods for me. Anisha, I am very much aware of the importance of good nutrition for you at this age. I am trying my level best to feed you nutritious food. I am not afraid to experiment, and you are enjoying most of the things I prepare for you or buy for you. I was not this happy anytime for being a biologist - it helps me to understand your nutritional needs better ! I realize that a biologist will be a great mom too :) I have ignored many of the cultural and traditional beliefs, and   scientific misconceptions, when choosing food for you and I am happy I could do so. You are now eating egg yolks, liver, meats  variety of vegetables and fruits, and of course my favorite food - idly :) But still, your main nutrition comes from breastmilk. You are loving food and that's what my aim is. I do not want to force you to gulp something (so as to finish my work ! ). I want that you enjoy eating good food. I avoid sugar, salt and cow's milk at any cost. And, I never give you something similar to cerelac which is nothing but crap. It contains loads of carbohydrate without any real nutritional benefit. I was shocked to hear people say, "give her cerelac, she will put on lots of weight" ! Indian's obsession about heavy and fair skinned babies will never cease to exist !

My mom also said,  I was very kind, helpful and compassionate to the needy. I never said no to anyone, and was happy to give whatever I had without a second thought.

She said, when I was around two years old, a ten year old kid used to come to the grassland near my home, rearing goats. I used to happily give all the toys to her and run behind the goats :) I loved animals and I still do. My dream is to have a pet dog for you when you are a little grown up (around five years or so !). I hope your dad doesn't object to it (he is not comfortable having pets), and I really wish you would grow up to love animals too. When you are a little more grown up we will have a small aquarium, Anisha. My dad had one when I was little and it gave me much joy to watch those colourful pets.

I was fearless too. Nothing scared me, absolutely nothing.

When I was around three years old, I was sent to kindergarten. My class teacher was trying to coax me to hold the chalk and write alphabets. I was in no mood to do so. She forced me to write - I pulled her hair and slapped her ! It doesn't feel so good to write it down, especially, to tell you. It was a very ugly thing to do and that too at such a tender age. I wish you never have temper problems like me. I don't really understand what made me to do so. My mom said, the teacher did punish me (perhaps she slapped me too, if so, that's not very kind of her :D !) and took me home and complained to my mom. My mom was dumbstruck to listen to what I did. But eventually, I became that teacher's pet :)

After I started to talk, I used to ask lots of questions. I was  curious about everything and anything. The only way to shut my mouth is to give me something to eat.

When I was around five or six years old, my mom took me to a place of worship. It was evening time and everyone was singing devotional songs. I was wondering what to do. I thought it is mandatory to sing and started to sing an item number from a movie - obviously that is what I knew ! :) My mom has to forcefully shut my mouth and remove me from that place.

My mom told me another incident. Once I saw a pig being tied to a bicycle and taken away. I felt very sorry for that poor animal and I was asking my mom, why they have to do so. Suddenly, I started to take deep breaths, as if, I was struggling for air. My mom was afraid to see that, but it did get better after sometime. I think, I had this for some years. I vaguely remember it now. When something affects me deeply, in someway, I had such panic attacks. I guess it's a panic attack.

It was so interesting to hear the stories about my childhood. I also realized that I haven't changed much.

Thirty six years on this earth is a blessing - many didn't have this opportunity. I have had a very rich life filled with so many different experiences. I have won, I have lost.I have done right, I have done wrong. I have made mistakes which I regret, and some which I don't. I have loved too much, sometimes, until it hurts, and hated very little.  I have lost my loved ones - either to death or to circumstances ! I have hurt people and I have got hurt. I have many a time hurt myself too with my choices. I have a wonderful life partner. I have longed for a baby, fought for it and I am very thankful that I have you now. I am happy that you didn't happen by accident - you are a byproduct of intense longing, courage, strength and determination. My life is not without difficulties - but every difficulty has helped me to grow stronger. I am what I am, and I have no regrets at all. I am very proud of my life, proud of myself. Most importantly, I am very thankful for having this life.

Anisha, I do wish, you grow up to be like me in many ways and as good natured as your dad. But then, isn't it an oxymoron ? :D

Much love, amma