Your maternal great grandpa is no more !

He breathed his last on 19.11.2015, he is 90 years old. He had a long life, had 5 children, his wife passed away several years ago - when she was 58 years old. Two of his children were no more - my dad, his son, left this world 8 years ago -  exactly when he was 58 years old ,  just like his mom ! Surprisingly, my dad's sister breathed her last around 58 years, too. I guess they shared majority of their mom's genes and perhaps there is an inherent longevity clock ticking in their genes. I share majority of my dad's genes, too - I am very similar to him in character and our health problems ( metabolic syndrome ! ) are similar too ! :) Death happens - sooner or later !

This year, I got to hear the news of two old men's demise in our family - one is my uncle ( my mom's sister's husband ) and the other, my granddad. Both of them are very old. Although, their demise didn't come as a shock, it did create a pang of sadness within me. The news of near one's death ( even if they are very old , or not so close emotionally ) always brings about an uncomfortable sensation - perhaps that's the moment I think about my own mortality , or even worse , my dear one's mortality  !  Previous year , when I met them both I felt sorry for them. I found them getting weaker day by day and waiting for their death , fearfully !  Yes , fearfully. And sometimes , I guess , they wished they were no more. Old age is cruel , it cripples people. People find themselves in a boring routine , and many find that they have nothing more to do than to wait for their 'D-day' ! People who enjoy good health even when they are older are gifted ones !

We all are getting closer to death every passing second - that's the universal truth.  When someone understands and accepts their own mortality and embraces it fearlessly, old age becomes much of a gentler, happier experience rather than a horror. That's why, as people get older, it is considered wise to spend much time in  embracing spirituality ( not necessarily religious ), and try to keep their desires at bay . But nowadays, life is viewed merely as a  source of pleasure and enjoyment ( there are much more physical comforts too than there were few decades ago ) As a result , I find people extremely scared of death. They cling on to their dear life. They are more scared to part with their money and the enjoyment it brings , rather than parting with their dear ones ! My uncle , who passed away recently told me when I met him previous year, " your dad left too early without enjoying the enormous retirement pension ! " That left me with a smile - enjoyment is a very personal experience, not everyone finds joy in material things , at least my dad didn't ! I wanted to tell him this but decided not to.

Death - most people are afraid of it and none escapes it ! Anisha, by the time you read this post , you might have acquired some idea about death. Today , I was talking to my little sister. I asked her how my nephews  aged 6 and 4 are taking their great granddad's demise. I was curious whether they asked her something about his absence. She replied , the elder one didn't talk much about it and was busy  playing ; the younger one was telling everyone that his great grandfather died. My sister continued , "I corrected him" , she said.  "I told him that , he must say grandpa went to God and shouldn't say he died. " For a moment I was astonished. My sister is a MD Gynecologist , a doctor ! And she felt the need to correct her son who was telling a honest truth.  Even more , she is instilling her beliefs ( does she believe so ! ) in him. I told her that my nephew was correct and shouldn't have been "corrected" !

People are very uncomfortable even with the word 'death'. Actually , death is as beautiful as life. Death is not the opposite of life , it is a part of life without which life becomes valueless and painful. Death is not only the end of life , it is also the end of all sufferings ! Death is peaceful , serene - just like a long , deep , peaceful sleep. According to me , the most serene places are not the places of worship. Nowadays , majority of God's tabernacles has become mere business centers ! Once I went to a cemetery here in Germany. The entire place was so beautiful and serene. People who came there carried only love and good memories of the deceased - I am very sure about it , their face showed it all. There is no place for hatred or ego in a graveyard. There is no difference between people based on caste , creed , religion or the amount of wealth they posses. Cemetery is also a place which reminds everyone of their own mortality and hence it brings a sense of humility as you step in. We are reminded how fragile our lives are ! The more we get to realize how unpredictable and fragile our lives are , the more we tend to value the right things in our life - people, love , happiness , peace , humility , present moment etc., rather than spending our precious life hating , fighting , being proud , egoistic and materialistic. I wish people visit cemeteries more often just like they visit temples. Graveyard is  a great place to kindle the spirituality which is inherent in our souls. It is also a great place to introduce the concept of death to children - this will help curbing their fear about dying and death. It will also teach children the utmost wisdom of life - " this too shall pass ! "

You might have many questions now : what happens after death ? Where will we go ? Is there a heaven and hell ? Do we go to God ? Do we come back again to this earth ? Is there a life again , is there a life after death ? What happens to my loved ones after they die ? Will they be able to see me ? Will I get to meet them again ?

I am not going to answer any of these questions because there are no correct answers for it - not with anyone ! Or put it like this , not a single answer fits everyone's maturity and understanding. It does not take much time for me to answer these questions from my level of maturity and understanding. But , it doesn't really help you. I don't believe in teaching you what I believe in. I can teach you scientific facts but not beliefs. You don't have to believe in what I do - be it good or bad. You have to find your own answers , I am sure you will. My daughter will be intelligent enough to do so. If I need to tell you something , this is it - find an answer which satisfies not only your brain but your heart and soul too. That will be the only right answer for YOU , yes , for only you !

Anisha , death is as beautiful as life. We all have the privilege of dying because we had the privilege to be born in the first place. No one can escape death , but , there is a way to live even after someone dies. Do you know how ? You can immortalize yourself by living life in the best way possible.

The only sure - fire way of continuing life even after death is to make the best use of your knowledge and share the fruits of it with this world. If you can use your knowledge for uplifting humanity and this world , then you will for sure to continue to live. Nothing else has the power to make you immortal.

In case if you are afraid of death , don't be. If you live well , death really doesn't matter. No one knows their expiry date. It can come sooner or later. So make sure to live every moment. Appreciate the goodness of life , be thankful for every day you are given. If you are afraid of losing your loved ones , remember this -  loss of loved ones is not much painful than losing their love. You cannot stop their death but you can prevent losing their love - so value and love the people in your life - you never know whether you will have them the next moment ! Even if they are gone , if their love remains with you , you will heal. Also make sure to remain detached as much as you are attached. Remember that nothing is permanent , everything will pass. Too much dependency on someone can leave you paralyzed if they are gone , so learn to beindependent.

Anisha , as a mother , I wish that you live happily forever. But the real best wish would be  - " May you have a long life filled with happiness and good health. May you have the strength to face adversities with a strong mind and body ,  and overcome it in the best possible way. May never feel alone and neglected. May you be surrounded with lots of love and peace."

Love you kuttima , love you so much ! Thanks a ton for your presence ! Thanks for bringing out the mother in me - it feels good ! 

Tomorrow , we are leaving to India. I am sure the trip will be very exciting for you. Everyone are so eager to meet you. You will be drenched with so much love and affection. Enjoy the beautiful moments.

Amma

You first few steps

You took few steps yesterday ( December 6 th ) , without support. How beautiful it was to look at ! You had a smile in your face - as if you are enjoying the feat you are performing. It doesn't appear that you are striving hard for it , although, it is an enormous task for your little feet and body. It appeared as if you are doing it gleefully and I am sure it is very exciting for you. From then on , you wanted to walk all the time , holding my fingers. Every time you walk , your face blooms with a beautiful , proud smile. There are no signs of fear , there is only a passion to master the art of walking. Every time you fall down , you rise much more strongly. You don't get ashamed that you fell. You wobble a lot , fall a lot , yet , you want to keep on trying. I am so proud of you , my daughter.  I am sure you will be walking before your first birthday.

You are learning ( and teaching ) life's very important lessons :

If you try passionately you can master anything.

Everytime you fall , make sure to get up and move on. Every fall will only make you a bit more stronger and wiser.

Do not let fear and shame hinder your efforts to succeed.

Be focussed and determined.

Never give up !

Thanks for the lessons you teach me ! I wish you don't forget these precious lessons as you grow older.

Stay very happy , healthy and blessed !

Love ,
Amma

Our little princess !

Dear Anisha ,

This weekend we attended Sarthak's first birthday party. After the initial fuss about the strange place and new people , you enjoyed a lot. I was so happy about this. I was afraid how you will adjust to the big crowd. But once you got comfortable , you were non-stoppable.  You were crawling , standing , taking few steps and interacting with people you loved.

Anisha , I was so proud of myself , too. As a mother , I have done a good job. I felt this after seeing all other little ones who came for the party. You are shining among them. Children who are couple of months elder than you appeared smaller. Many haven't reached the developmental milestones you have reached. My friends  always suggested that , I must leave you in kindergarten and that will help you to be socially amicable. To my surprise , you were interacting with people much more than other kids who go to day care. You are way taller , heavier and your skin is healthy and shining , of course you are much intelligent too. I can't help but compare and be proud. I think I have every right to do so.

The most important reason for all this is , I spend 24h with you taking care of your needs. You still drink only breast milk , while other children are not fed breastmilk at all , or they are not breastfed from 4 or 6 months. Until now , I feed you without a time schedule , you get the warmth and comfort whenever you need , doesn't matter even if it is four times an hour. You sleep with me , always near my body's warmth. I hug and kiss you a lot. I haven't left you in day care , I am not planning to leave you anywhere until you are three years old. I prepare food for you taking care of all your nutritional needs , I spend time cooking for you , feeding you only the best. All this has made an enormous difference. You are happy , healthy and glowing. You are very kind and loving to other children and people. Your aversion towards women is still there. You are comfortable with men. Many of my friends said , " Manju ,  after you reach home , remove evil eye for Anisha ". I took it as a compliment. I don't believe in evil eyes , neither should you !

See your photo below , I haven't overstated anything :)

Stay happy and blessed , my dear daughter !

Love ,
Amma

See , how you enjoy your dad's singing !

Anisha , love you Nana. You make our days brighter , difficult times shorter and our souls happier. Stay happy , healthy , and blessed. Keep smiling always !

Amma

Ten months completed !

A smile can hide everything !

Dear daughter,

How is my new hair cut ? I guess you liked it. Otherwise, you would have cried and screamed until I tie my hair into a pony tail. For the past few months, I couldn't even wear my hair as I wish, you control how I must leave my hair - you rule ! :) Somehow, I got an approval from you for this hair style. You observed me for sometime and then you ........smiled !

Anisha, don't I look happy ? But, that's not the truth. I am feeling miserable. I looked several years older in a few days. I badly needed a change - both inside and outside ! So, I decided to pamper myself a bit - the end result is this ! Do I feel better inside ? I am a bit OK now. I am sure this emotional suffering will pass too - if it doesn't, someday, like everyone, I will pass and nothing will matter anymore :) !

I was really suffering within me. I even started thinking like this -  'if I have some serious illness, like cancer, will my wish be fulfilled, won't they consider my wish ?' Yes , I was that desperate. Then, I read an article about how you can make yourself sick, just by your thoughts. I was terrified. I want to be with you Anisha. I don't need anyone else, I don't need anyone else's attention, kindness or presence other than your's and your dad's. I have everything a woman could wish for. I do not want to spoil anything with my negative thoughts, I shouldn't. 

I need to make my inner self beautiful, too. I read a lot - as usual good books and articles give me lots of solace. I understood that my actions did bring me to this point of misery. I shouldn't allow other people's hatred or neglect towards me define me. If I have caused them to react like that, it is my fault and I must take responsibility for that. I must be grateful always and make sure none of my actions hurt them. I know very well I am a beautiful human being - both inside and outside ! I will continue to be so. I will. Anisha's mom should always be a beautiful person, don't you agree ?

OK, let us talk something else, something nicer, something happier : you are going to be 10 months in a few days ! Shall I say 10 interesting things about you ? Here we go !

1. Anisha, you were born after 7 years of infertility struggle. But the moment we held you in our arms, we forgot all the sufferings and pain we underwent to have you. You are a product of strength, courage, perseverance, hope, faith and most importantly, lots of love. I am so proud to have you, Anisha.You are our treasure. 

2. The first dress you wore immediately after your birth is a purple coloured one ( they gave the dress in hospital ). You looked so beautiful in it. Purple colour suits you so well.

3. Do you know the meaning of your name ? Nisha means 'dusk' or 'darkness'. 'A'nisha means 'against darkness' or 'dawn'. Yes, you are our dawn. You are our sunshine who drove away our dark times. Your name also has many different beautiful meanings in many different languages, actually yours is a name used by people around the world. Another very important reason for naming you as Anisha is because of my IVF Dr ,  Dr. Aniruddha Malpani. He is a person who has inspired me a lot ; I adore, appreciate, love and respect him. His presence was of great help during my struggle to have you. As a mark of respect , I named you as Anisha. Sometimes, we forget the goodness we receive from others - we are just humans, afterall ! By naming you as Anisha, I will always remember that I must be very thankful to Him, I must never forget the goodness I received. I secretly wish that you acquire some of His  goodness too :)

4. You haven't taken a single bottle of formula milk, until now. I breastfeed you. I am so proud and thankful that I could do so. You work very hard on my breasts too (you don't get tired of sucking ). Your efforts have paid off and the milk supply is still very good. I am planning to breastfeed you as long as I could. The bonding we have developed as a result of breastfeeding is amazing. You look very beautiful when you smile with my nipples in your mouth :) I make sure to play with you and make you smile when you are at my breasts.

5. You started to roll over at 4 months. At 6 months, you were making attempts to crawl, you actually crawled backwards. Few days into 8 months, you started to crawl, stand with support and take few steps. Now at 9 months, you have learned to open every cupboard in home and pull things out. You have started to walk holding the walker. You made your first attempt of standing without support, yesterday !

6. You are having stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. When you meet strangers you observe them keenly and start crying. It takes few minutes before you get back to normal and start being yourself. I believe, the anxiety you have, shows your normal development and intelligence :) Separation anxiety is also at its peak. If I move away from the room you are, you start to get restless, cry, and start to search for me and follow me. Few days back, I was feeling unhappy, and your constant need for my company really made me so angry, I raised my voice at you. I really felt bad after that. I also realized that, in order to keep you happy, I must be happy. I am making sure never to loose my temper in front of you again.

7. Now, I am going to say a very interesting thing about you which might give you a shy smile when you read it. You flirt, yes you do ! If you see tall, fair guys when we go for shopping, the attempts you make to capture their attention is so beautiful. You stare,  make different noises to get their attention. This Saturday you were smiling so much at a guy in a shopping mall and he was smiling back too. He became so amused that a little one was giving such a friendly smile and attention. You show preference for men. You never go to any women other than me. But, whenever your dad's friends or colleagues visit, you are very friendly to them. You want to go to their hands, you become extra active in their presence. This is very surprising considering the amount of stranger anxiety you show. I actually read that babies flirt too, and seeing it personally is amazing :) Oh, my little girl not so soon :) !

8. The person you are most happy with, is your dad. You are full of smiles and giggles when he is around. Anisha, he is a great human being and you are blessed to be a part of his life. No, no, actually, you are his life. You will know by yourself how true my words are as you grow up ! He is so understanding, non-judging, forgiving, totally supportive person, I have ever seen. That doesn't mean we don't fight. We argue a lot. But, nowadays, it has gone down a lot, almost to nothing. We make sure not to argue or shout in your presence. I know that it will hurt you, Anisha. Because, it hurt to see my parents arguing when I was young, especially, when I was of the age where I could not understand what the problem was !

9. Today, Tanya was here. Will tell you soon who Tanya is. We were busy with something else and you were doing something which you shouldn't. I was telling you sternly that you shouldn't do so. You understood that I was not pleased. You were actually crying everytime Tanya had eye contact with you. But, when I scolded you in front of her, in order to hide the awkwardness, you smiled at her. Oh my, you are growing Anisha, you really are ! You are no more as little and as innocent as I think :)

10. You showed the first signs of jealousy this month. Your dad was lying on my lap, you came quickly and was trying to remove his head from my lap. When you couldn't do so, you laid down with your head on my lap , too. That was super cute to look at. 

Hope you will enjoy reading all this someday, Anisha. Stay very happy, healthy and blessed.

Amma

Living , loving and laughing

All I could see in this video is your dad's love for you ! You are blessed to be his daughter. Your laughter and giggles fills our heart with happiness. Be very happy Anisha, always !

Take a look at @MPadmasekar's Tweet: https://twitter.com/MPadmasekar/status/655815165934481410?s=09