You are 17 months old !

Anisha , haven't written to you for long. I need to write so many things so that nothing gets missed out. I realize how much I forget quickly - so , it's very important I write down everything. Someday , we both might read all this together and enjoy these beautiful memories. I have also noticed that many old age people find happiness only in the memories they have saved. Your grandma , nowadays , talks a lot about our good , old times. I think , after some age , only our memories will be our good companion. But , even memories fade and get lost. I hope this blog remains forever , and you get much happiness reading this.

1. Height

You are tall - very tall ! I wish you grow to be much taller than me. At 17 months , you stand tall at 86 cms ! You are sometimes taller than children who are 4 or 5 months elder than you. I always wanted my child to be tall. I and your dad , have an average height. Your paternal grandma is very short. I was little worried whether you will end up short , too. Both your grandfathers are tall , almost 6 feet. Hopefully , you have inherited the genes which make you tall , and hope you reach a height which looks good on you :)

2. You are sweet

That's what I hear from everyone - from friends , from strangers , from everyone. You have a killer cuteness. Your smile is priceless. Whenever I take you out , people look at you and exclaim , " how sweet ! " I am of course a proud mom. One man on the road saw you with a chocolate in hand , he commented , " a sweet is eating sweet :) " Yesterday , one person in Edeka commented , " Black eyes , black hair - oh , how sweet she is !" He kept on looking at you and talking to you. You understood that he is admiring you , your expression was priceless - you were shy , proud and gave him a half - smile :) I never thought I looked beautiful , anytime. But seeing you , I know that I am not bad , after all. What proof do I need more  ! :)

3. Mischievous

Our home keys are hidden inside shoes ; new pair of sandals rest in dustbin ; tea bags are thrown inside grinder when I was grinding for idli - Anisha does all this , and much more ! Not even a moment I can turn my eyes from you. When I say ' No ' , your eyes lights up , a naughty smile creeps on your lips , and you want to do what is prohibited ! You are curious , curious about everything. You need to touch things , feel it with your hands and also with your mouth. I have learned not to curtail your inquisitiveness. If I do so , I stop you from learning. I make sure your actions don't harm you seriously , I allow you to do what you want , most of the time - as a result , our home is a big mess , at times , but , isn't it wiser to clean the mess rather than trying to restrict your curiosity. I want my child to experiment , experience and learn :) 

4. Breastmilk

You show no signs of weaning. I show no sign of giving up. We make a great combo :) Until now , you haven't drunk a cup of cow's milk or formula. Once I tried giving you cow's milk , you took the first sip , it was OK. You took the second sip and gagged. After that you never looked at the cup again - need not to say that I am very happy. You got a cold recently , after several months , and it lasted only for a day - the power of breastmilk and that's why I want you to be on breastmilk as long as possible. Breastmilk makes life easier for you , and easier for me. You have learned to cajole me for breastmilk when I refuse to feed you . You hold my chin with your tiny hands and look straight at into eyes ( your dad has taught you so :) Will I be able to say no after that ? :)

5. Anger

You get angry so soon. You are adamant. You throw whatever you have in your hand , when angry. You do hit us when we forcefully remove you from what you are doing. That's your way of saying ' No '.  Hopefully , when you start to communicate using words , this aggressiveness goes away. But even this lasts only for few seconds , the next moment you will be with your most adorable smile. You are a very happy child Anisha - stay so always !

6. Send to day care , she will learn to socialize !

People who said so have shut their mouth tight :) We met everyone in Giessen during a birthday party. Guess , who is very friendly , smiling and greeting people - it's you ! Guess , which children are panic stricken when they see strangers , not smiling at others , and looked so lost - the ones who go to day care. I can't be proud enough. Women who advised me before about sending you to day care never started that topic again. You are breastfed , you are 24*7 with me , I care for you every second , the end result is , you feel much loved , safe and happy :) How can a child who experience so much love and care not socialize ? You say hi to everyone with a smile in your lips. You love others attention. You want to interact with others :)

Lots more to say Ani kutty , let me continue some other time. You know what , using my smart phone to write blogs has give me text neck :( It's horribly painful at times.

Love ,

Amma

Weaning

Do not wean me too quickly ,
Please go easy on me ;
I am still too fragile ,
To handle sudden withdrawal ;
I love our time together ,
I love all the cuddles and laughter ,
I love the warmth of your nearness ,
I love your milky smell ,
I melt at the sight of your smile ,
Each feeding session brings me so much joy ,
Which my heart enjoys ,
It calms me down , eases my pain ,
It's my greatest solace ;
Do not wean me abruptly - it will hurt ,
I will be full of tears and fears ,
Do not wean me too quickly , Anisha
I need you at my breasts !

Amma

Your smile !

When you were 14 months old I took this picture. Keep smiling , little one. Love you so much !

Playing Football

The gentleman in this video is our house owner. He finds it difficult to kick the ball as much as you. It is because he suffered a stroke few years back and hence finds it challenging to perform normal day-to-day activities. He can't walk fast , lift heavy things and so on. Yet , he keeps himself busy by working in the garden. He has recently built a small store - house in the garden - he was an engineer. You see him as your playmate. As soon as you see him , your eyes light up. You search for the ball. It's nice to meet different people , and everyone has a story to tell - mostly , a story which could inspire us !

Your first hug !

Dear Anisha ,

On May 5 th , we went to our friend's place. That day evening we took you to a children's park , situated nearby. I saw a playground slide there. I was wondering whether you would love to slide. " Aren't you too young for it ? " was the question in my mind. At that moment , I saw a chubby little man , he is almost your height , might be a cm or two more. He climbed the slide and was enjoying his ride in it. On seeing it , I got the courage to take you there. I helped you climb up. On the top , where children were waiting for their turn , we waited , too. The little man was so attractive , I was looking at him ; I was curious to know his age as he was using the slide alone. His mom was standing there , and I asked for his age. She replied that he will be two in July. Suddenly , the handsome little man turned towards you , took few steps in the front , extended both his arms and embraced you. That was a very warm hug. I was astonished to see his gesture. Unfortunately , I couldn't observe your expression. It all happened in a fraction of a second. I was facing your back. He was smiling so warmly and descended down the slide.

I always thought a hug is a very beautiful way of telling ' you care '. In India , even handshakes are rare , especially in the place where I grew up. And , any kind of friendly gesture which involves body contact between opposite sex is not entertained , or I should say , it is prohibited. I always thought that it's normal because I grew up in such a society. But after coming to Germany , I did receive hugs more often , especially from my Muslim female friends. In the beginning , when they gave a hug , I felt so stupid because I didn't know how to accept it gracefully and return it back. At those times , a hug only created a moment of discomfort and awkwardness for me as I was not used to it. Slowly ( the more I received ) , my ability to receive and give hugs got better. And , I started enjoying the warmth and comfort it gave. A warm hug can provide the comfort what many words can't give. After realizing this , I got more comfortable with the concept of hugging. 

There is a female gynecologist in Giessen. She was the one who did all my ultrasounds with twins. She knew all my troubles to conceive and was overjoyed about my pregnancy. Sadly , the day I lost my twins , at 20W , she was on duty that fateful night. She delivered my twins. I , at the peak of my grief , spoke many things - I needed comfort. She patiently listened to me. And , when I conceived you , I went to see her. She was so happy , and she was pregnant with her first baby at that time. She asked me , " Manju , can I give you a hug ? " That's the most unforgettable hug in my life - a hug filled with love , care and happiness.

The other person whose hug I will always remember is that of Sascha. He is my colleague when doing PhD - he talks non - stop. He loved talking about his step -
sister and brother , and I was always amazed by the amount of affection he carried for them. After completing my PhD , whenever I see him , he used to step forward , give a broad smile and a warm hug. It makes it very easier to talk to him after that - I have never felt awkward about starting a conversation even after not being in touch with him for years.  I think , only by his gesture , I got comfortable with a man's hug :) I don't know how much you will understand me if you grow up in Germany , but for a woman like me who spent majority of her life in a very conservative society - in a society where any type of gesture which involves body contact between a man and woman is viewed as unacceptable , it's a great step forward :)

Giving a beautiful , soulful hug is an art - it can give immense comfort and melt a receivers heart. It gives the same happiness to the giver , too. It makes the conversation which follows much easier , much honest.

I am sure I have helped my friends feel better and comfortable with a hug when they needed one the most. And , there are people I wish I could give a hug , but couldn't :) I wish , you too would enjoy the joy of such simple , beautiful human gestures - and most importantly I wish you could grow up not having a tainted picture of all male and female physical contacts.

Love ,
Amma

Are you leaving Anisha behind ?

This question made me angry , very angry. I was asked this question many a time when we were in India , by many people in your dad's native. People wanted to know whether we were leaving you with your grandparents. "Why should I ? " , I wondered !

One day , when you were around 6 months old , your paternal grandma asked me over phone , " Manju , leave Anisha with me , I will take care of her ". This suggestion came ,  after I told one of our relative over phone that , " hereafter we will be having only one salary and there won't be much savings ( just casually , as she was enquiring about it ) ". Your grandma was there at that time hearing the conversation. The next day ,  she asked whether she could take care of you. I got irritated , but tried to hide it and said that I would never do so, and moreover ,  it is not easy to take care of a young child at their age. The conversation ended there. But , it left a huge insecure feeling within me. How dare she ask me like that ! Believe me , until now I see her as a threat. I know it is totally stupid on my part , my brain knows it , but my heart fails to accept it !

Soon , I came to realize that in Andhra it is a common happening. Women get married , give birth , and leave their child with their mother or mother-in-law , and get back to work. Easy , right ? Yes , they make it sound so easy ( I also wonder how many women are forced to do so ! ) Their point is , " We elders have no work , life is boring , and taking care of the grandchild makes life interesting " ( Didn't you get your chance of bringing up your children ? ) I guess , it gives a sense of purpose to them. There is also a hidden meaning , " Why to lose the additional salary , isn't money important ? "  Money rules !

I have now come across couples who leave their kid with their parents. I am desperate want to ask them  how they are able to do so. I wonder , what they think about parenting ! Do they think giving birth makes them a parent ? Or , are they so mature enough to give the most beautiful parenting experience to others ? ( Will they be able to get it back ? ) Is money so important ? Or , is their career so important ?  I tell myself that every individual's situation is different , their priorities in life are different , and I should not get judgemental. But even then , what the hell is wrong with them !

Anisha , we struggled hard to have you in our life. But even if our baby-making journey would have been easy-peasy , even if we were blessed with umpteen children ,  we wouldn't have left our children with anyone. You might ask , " Amma , isn't money important ? " It is ! Financial stability is the base on which we could build a beautiful life. There was a psychologist called Maslow , he proposed a theory which is called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It says ,  only when our basic needs are met , we can move to the stage of self-actualization ( achievement of one's own full potential through creativity and independence) . The best things in life like love, friendships, and creativity come free, but to reach that stage of getting those things for free, one needs to become self-sufficient in their basic needs and safety. I think , we are in a stage where our basic needs like food , shelter and safety can be met easily with your dad's salary ,  and we do have some savings to meet our emergency needs. I and your dad , have never given much importance to money anytime ( we never allowed money to rule us ! ) . Money is not important more than you , your comfort and emotional safety.

Motherhood is not about giving birth - it is only a tiny part of it. Motherhood is a journey and I wouldn't want to miss any part of it , especially , not the one where you need me the most. One of my friend commented , " my child didn't get what Anisha gets ". That kept me thinking. The only reply I had but didn't say was ,  " I made a conscious decision to be with Anisha ; the time I spend with Anisha didn't happen to me by chance , I decided to make her my preference more than anything else ".

Will I regret my decision later ? Isn't my profession important ? I don't think I will ever regret taking a break from my professional life. I didn't do so for you , or for anyone's comfort. I did so for myself - solely for my comfort , peace of mind and happiness. I didn't sacrifice anything for your sake. So , little one , if I tell you anytime that I sacrificed my professional life to take care of you , never believe it :) Anisha , I also have much confidence in myself. If I ever work again , I don't want to work under anyone , I don't want to use my talent to give life to others' ideas. I wish I could work on my own ideas ; I wish I could do something which gives me immense satisfaction ; I wish I could do something which challenges my knowledge and keeps life interesting.  I wish I could do something which will inspire you to follow my path :)

I sometimes wonder what women are losing by believing they are capable of wearing multiple hats ! Women can wear multiple hats , but they never get to enjoy the beauty and satisfaction of wearing one hat at a time. There is a time for everything in life. Nothing is more important than spending time with one's own child for the first few years of their life. It is very important for a mother as much as it is for a child.  I am immensely thankful and grateful that I can do so.

No women should be compelled to take up their career when all they want to do is to be with her child for the first few years of   life. If a woman is forced to sacrifice their motherhood experience for the sake of money , that's the cruellest thing someone could do to a mother. A baby is supposed to be with its mother - not with its grandparents or in child care.

This topic is bothering me for a while , so decided to put it in words.

Love ,
Amma

A happy moment

Don't I look happy ? We went to a wild life park on May 6 th. The sun is shining bright and the nature is at its best there. I love being with you and that makes me so happy and beautiful :)

Amma