Walking

Walking with confidence and style :) You enjoy your new feat thoroughly !

Speaking

Need a translator , Ani kutty :)

Dancing

Who wouldn't love to dance ? You love to , too :) In the second video , you are dancing for head , shoulders , knees and toes :) You try to keep the music going by pressing that little keyboard of yours.

Amma

Reading

https://youtu.be/2cMLJ_SQlEc

Anisha , at 14 months , you read your first word book several times a day. You spell the words much better than me ;)

A walk in the sun

Dear Anisha ,

Today , the sun is shining bright. You wanted to go out and roam in the garden. Nowadays , you love spending time outdoors. So , we went out. Although it's bright , it is still cold. So I dressed you in appropriate clothes. You roamed for sometime in the garden. Then you wanted to go outside the fence. I was little hesitant , yet I took you. I didn't want to stand in the way of your curiosity , I didn't want to disappoint you. You explored the neighborhood. You were watching all the leaves , flowers, and some strange fruits , on the way. Whenever you got a chance , you felt them with your hands. You were walking , walking and walking ,  non-stop - I became tired ! When the footpath was not so easy to walk , when there were dangerous ups and downs , you preferred to hold my hands. Otherwise , you didn't want to hold me , I was not allowed to hold you , too. If I held you against your wish , you showed your disapproval with a grunt , you pushed away my hands. I was so proud of you , Anisha. I loved the way you wanted to be independent. I was walking behind you , trying to safe guard you from anything which might hurt you , and I loved my job. I was so happy that I was walking with my daughter , I have dreamed of such a happening many a time before - you and I taking a stroll , enjoying nature , I ,  teaching you about the plants and animals we encounter - just like my dad did for me ! I can't wait for the spring to start , I can't wait for the summer. I have promised you that I will take you out every single day when the weather is just right - to explore Randersacker , to enjoy nature , to show you many new things which you have never seen before.  I feel so grateful , thankful , for your presence. Love you kuttima !

And after 40 minutes , when I took you home , you threw a big tantrum. You cried hard insisting that you must go out. I need to forcefully take you in :) 

The below picture is not taken today , but very recently , when you were busy exploring outdoors.

Manju

Ninth wedding anniversary

Anisha , I am married to your dad for 9 years , we are together for 12 years. What should I say - I am blessed to be with a life partner who is so kind , compassionate , understanding and forgiving. He allows me to be a human being rather than expecting me to be a flawless , obedient , meek and self - sacrificing woman.

When we were newly married , he held my dad's hand and said , " Do not worry , I will take care of Manju well ". My dad smiled and said , " Rajender , my worry is not about that. I am wondering whether she will take care of you well ". Who can understand me better than my dad ! Your dad has kept his word until now.

When I was pregnant with twins , he took care of me more than my mom would. I remember the idlis he used to prepare for me - they were made with so much love for three people whom he loves so much. The day we lost our children , I saw his pain. I was more worried and heart - broken on seeing your dad's pain than the loss of my children. When you were born , and when we were waiting for the photo shoot on the second day of your birth , in a hospital room , he said , " Manju , that night after the birth of our children they took you to operation theater for D&C , I was waiting in this room . I saw all the little one's picture in this room. I couldn't stop crying , there was no one with me ". Even when I think of that situation now , a chill runs in my spine. Anisha , you are your dad's gift - might be God or whosoever saw his pain on that day and gave you to him :)

Until now , all the people who know me , or even people who don't know me very personally has told me that I am very gifted to have such a life partner - and  I can't deny it.  My dad told me , " Manju , I saw his picture sent by you and I knew immediately you were in safe hands ".

I am thankful that I have your dad in my life. He might be able to lead life without me , but without him my life would be nothing. I am so dependent on him for everything - he has pampered me so much like a mother !

Anisha , you love me because you need me. In your case , the need will slowly turn into love as you grow , as you mature , hopefully ! But  , I need you because I love you. I care for you because I love you. The more you care for a person , the more you got to love them. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I love your dad or need him. As we grow together , the distinction between love and need becomes smaller and smaller. Perhaps , I love him because I need him , and I need him because I love him.

After fighting infertility together , our bond has become much more stronger. There are people who tell me , " That's great that you people stayed together after all that you both went through !" Only my reproductive system is defective , not his ! Not even a day he has made me feel I am the defective person. I never ever had a fear that he would leave me for that. When I started to love him , I intuitively knew he was the guy whom I could feel safe and secure. My intuition has never failed me , until now.

I wish I could stay under his love and warmth always - until my last breath ! Because it is the only safest place on earth for me. Yes , I am very selfish of course :)

The joy of breastfeeding you !

Dear Anisha ,

Even from a very tender age I thought breastfeeding is amazing. We had lots of cats at home. At least twice a year there will be new born kittens. It was such a beautiful sight to see the teeny-tiny little ones and their mom. They occupy a cosy corner of our home where there will be minimal disturbance. The little ones cling to their mom all the time , they will be suckling most time of the day. I used to watch them with joy and surprise. When I touch the mother cat , I could feel a vibrating sound , as if a small motor is running inside her. It is called ' purring ' and obviously it's a sign of happiness - the happinesss a new born mom has ; the happiness of suckling the young ones. The young ones vie with one another to get hold of their mom's nipple . Since their eyes will remain shut for the next couple of weeks , they use their sense of smell to get near their mom's breast . Once they do , they suck and suck and suck until they fall asleep. It was such a cute sight to see. I used to bring my finger close to the little kittens mouth which is tightly wrapped around their mom's nipple. I could feel the suckling - the rhythmic motion of their tiny mouth. What a joy it was to feel it ! I always thought - when I have my little ones , I will breastfeed them.

When you were born , I was eagerly waiting to breastfeed you. I will always cherish the memory of my first breastfeeding moments - it felt too good , I felt great.  When you were still in my tummy , the doctors asked me , " Are you planning to breastfeed ? " For me that question appeared too stupid ! After all , I have been waiting for it too long.

To be honest , I was too naive about breastfeeding. I thought breastfeeding will be easy , as easy as pie. The first day it was OK. The next day I started to get pain in my nipples. But the joy I felt when feeding you made me ignore it. The third day I saw a crack in my nipples. From then on , breastfeeding became painful. A joyful experience became scary. I was taking 4-5 ibuprofen a day to cope with the pain. The thought that I have to feed you in the next couple of hours made me fearful. My breasts felt as if they were on fire - I could feel lots of pricking sensation , I felt ill. I have cried as you put your tiny lips on my nipples. I would scream within me - " this is not what I expected , it hurts ". I used to ask Anju , your aunt ,  all the time , " How long should I breastfeed , how long is good enough ? , When will my cracked nipples heal , when will this pain go away ? " She would say , " Six months is optimum and until six months it does hurt. " Anisha , I was waiting for that six months to be over soon. I said to myself , " I can't do this more than that , NEVER ! " Although , after three months my nipples became better , until six months it was hurting on and off.

Six months came and went. I was still feeding you. My breasts started feeling normal. Breastfeeding became completely pain free. I started to enjoy the moments you cling to my breasts. I started to enjoy the sensation of milk flowing. I then , never thought of stopping breastfeeding . Now , you are 13 months old and I still breastfeed you. I love feeding you. I love the way your face calms down and you fall into a state of ecstasy when you take my nipples. I love the way you smile with my nipples in your mouth when I play with you. I love the feel of your warm palm resting on my hips when you are drinking milk. I love the way my mind relaxes when you cling to my breasts. You insist that we keep eye contact when feeding - you have now umpteen times pushed my smartphone away from my hand and I love it ! And recently , you have changed the way you demand milk. Before you used to cry , I know from the way you cry that you need a feed. But nowadays you use sign language. You tap my breast with your tiny hands. I love the way your tiny hands go thud , thud and thud against my breasts. You have always demanded milk , you have never asked for it !

I am happy that I never gave up breastfeeding. It has so many advantages , Anisha. The first and foremost is the protection you get from infections. I have now heard from many moms who couldn't breastfeed say about their first India visit experience. Their children suffered from frequent bouts of diarrhea , rashes , fever and what not ! Everyone's statement is ,  " We were most of the time in hospital , it was a nerve wracking experience". When I heard this , I was scared. But , you were perfectly fine - you didn't need doctor or medicines. You were perfectly healthy and enjoyed your time in India. I have personally experienced how protective is breastfeeding for children. Remember , when you have your children , never hesitate to breastfeed , never ! You will not regret your decision anytime.

Other than the enormous protection breastfeeding gives you , it makes my life so much easier. I don't have to carry milk powder and bottles everywhere. There is no hassle of washing the bottles and sterilizing them. Your milk is always ready in the most sterile container ! I can soothe you pretty quickly - all you need is a feed and you get pacified immediately. You fall asleep in no time. You sleep well - al least 12 -14 h a day. That gives me enough time relax. In the night , when you wake up , you get your feed and go back to sleep immediately.  And most importantly , you have developed a strong bonding with me. You need no one other than me ,  or in other words , if I am with you , that's enough for you to be happy and to feel safe. The   love and bonding we have developed with each other as a result of breastfeeding is so soul warming. I am forever thankful that I could breastfeed you.

In the beginning , after you were born , everyone's question was , " Do you have enough milk ? " When I have to face this question repeatedly , and even from people who are not so close , it bothered me very much. But now , I face a different kind of question regarding breastfeeding - " When are you going to wean Anisha ?" I really , really want to say , " It's none of your business ! " But , when it comes from near and dear , I have to keep my cool. So , I tell them that I am going to feed you as long as I have milk supply , and as long as you wish. I have received so many different replies for answering so - " If you don't wean her now , it is going to be very difficult. She will give you a very hard time ", " She will soon open her mouth and ask for milk , that will be awkward !" , " Soon she will stand and drink milk ( sarcastically ! )  " , " I have seen a toddler open his mom's blouse and drink milk , that's gross ". I wonder within myself , what the hell is wrong with these people. Even if they mean well , it is none of their business ! It is absolutely not decent on their part to tell me when to stop breastfeeding.

I was shocked to know that people consider breastfeeding a toddler awkward and gross ! It just shows their inability to view breasts as a body part which is intended to feed human babies. In their mind , breasts are connected to sex. Sexualization of breasts is their problem and not mine ! Anisha , I have breastfed you in public , many a time. Until now , I have no bitter experience. I haven't noticed anyone staring at my breasts - thankfully ! And even if someone stares , it's not my problem but theirs. I haven't felt ashamed to feed you anywhere - why should I ?

My mother - in - law , your grandma , had brought this topic many a time now. Once some of our relatives were there and she was like , " If you continue to breastfeed , it will be difficult to stop ". And this is the same lady who was proud to say that she breastfed your dad for five years ! I became furious.  I replied mockingly , " You have breastfed your son for five years , why shouldn't I breastfeed Anisha for at least half of that time period ." She didn't expect it. She hasn't started the topic again , at least not with me !

Your dad is the only person who is very supportive of me. He would say , breastfeed her as long as she desires , it's very important :)

Anisha , there are numerous scientific reports which are in favor of extended breastfeeding. WHO suggests that breastfeeding should be continued at least 2 years. I am experiencing the positive effects of breastfeeding very clearly. I wish I could continue to feed you as long as you and I are comfortable. I forgot to mention this : Breastfeeding is also helping me to manage my weight much efficiently. I am much thinner now when compared to my pre-pregnancy self. My fat deposits have started to come off  much quickly now - when I continued to breastfeed past one year - that's no wonder because my milk now contains more than 50% fat. That's the optimal composition for your healthy brain development. Anisha , you are taller , smarter , brighter , healthier , than most children of your age who were not breastfed or breastfed only for a shorter duration - I couldn't believe how obvious the difference is !

More than anything else , the time we spend together cuddling is heavenly. The bonding and love we experience is helping each other grow beautifully - physically as well as emotionally ! Why to end this enjoyable relationship because of some unreasonable people who don't understand the importance and beauty of it  ? 

Doesn't the picture below show clearly that you were in seventh heaven ?

Love ,

Amma