See , how you enjoy your dad's singing !

Anisha , love you Nana. You make our days brighter , difficult times shorter and our souls happier. Stay happy , healthy , and blessed. Keep smiling always !

Amma

Ten months completed !

A smile can hide everything !

Dear daughter,

How is my new hair cut ? I guess you liked it. Otherwise, you would have cried and screamed until I tie my hair into a pony tail. For the past few months, I couldn't even wear my hair as I wish, you control how I must leave my hair - you rule ! :) Somehow, I got an approval from you for this hair style. You observed me for sometime and then you ........smiled !

Anisha, don't I look happy ? But, that's not the truth. I am feeling miserable. I looked several years older in a few days. I badly needed a change - both inside and outside ! So, I decided to pamper myself a bit - the end result is this ! Do I feel better inside ? I am a bit OK now. I am sure this emotional suffering will pass too - if it doesn't, someday, like everyone, I will pass and nothing will matter anymore :) !

I was really suffering within me. I even started thinking like this -  'if I have some serious illness, like cancer, will my wish be fulfilled, won't they consider my wish ?' Yes , I was that desperate. Then, I read an article about how you can make yourself sick, just by your thoughts. I was terrified. I want to be with you Anisha. I don't need anyone else, I don't need anyone else's attention, kindness or presence other than your's and your dad's. I have everything a woman could wish for. I do not want to spoil anything with my negative thoughts, I shouldn't. 

I need to make my inner self beautiful, too. I read a lot - as usual good books and articles give me lots of solace. I understood that my actions did bring me to this point of misery. I shouldn't allow other people's hatred or neglect towards me define me. If I have caused them to react like that, it is my fault and I must take responsibility for that. I must be grateful always and make sure none of my actions hurt them. I know very well I am a beautiful human being - both inside and outside ! I will continue to be so. I will. Anisha's mom should always be a beautiful person, don't you agree ?

OK, let us talk something else, something nicer, something happier : you are going to be 10 months in a few days ! Shall I say 10 interesting things about you ? Here we go !

1. Anisha, you were born after 7 years of infertility struggle. But the moment we held you in our arms, we forgot all the sufferings and pain we underwent to have you. You are a product of strength, courage, perseverance, hope, faith and most importantly, lots of love. I am so proud to have you, Anisha.You are our treasure. 

2. The first dress you wore immediately after your birth is a purple coloured one ( they gave the dress in hospital ). You looked so beautiful in it. Purple colour suits you so well.

3. Do you know the meaning of your name ? Nisha means 'dusk' or 'darkness'. 'A'nisha means 'against darkness' or 'dawn'. Yes, you are our dawn. You are our sunshine who drove away our dark times. Your name also has many different beautiful meanings in many different languages, actually yours is a name used by people around the world. Another very important reason for naming you as Anisha is because of my IVF Dr ,  Dr. Aniruddha Malpani. He is a person who has inspired me a lot ; I adore, appreciate, love and respect him. His presence was of great help during my struggle to have you. As a mark of respect , I named you as Anisha. Sometimes, we forget the goodness we receive from others - we are just humans, afterall ! By naming you as Anisha, I will always remember that I must be very thankful to Him, I must never forget the goodness I received. I secretly wish that you acquire some of His  goodness too :)

4. You haven't taken a single bottle of formula milk, until now. I breastfeed you. I am so proud and thankful that I could do so. You work very hard on my breasts too (you don't get tired of sucking ). Your efforts have paid off and the milk supply is still very good. I am planning to breastfeed you as long as I could. The bonding we have developed as a result of breastfeeding is amazing. You look very beautiful when you smile with my nipples in your mouth :) I make sure to play with you and make you smile when you are at my breasts.

5. You started to roll over at 4 months. At 6 months, you were making attempts to crawl, you actually crawled backwards. Few days into 8 months, you started to crawl, stand with support and take few steps. Now at 9 months, you have learned to open every cupboard in home and pull things out. You have started to walk holding the walker. You made your first attempt of standing without support, yesterday !

6. You are having stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. When you meet strangers you observe them keenly and start crying. It takes few minutes before you get back to normal and start being yourself. I believe, the anxiety you have, shows your normal development and intelligence :) Separation anxiety is also at its peak. If I move away from the room you are, you start to get restless, cry, and start to search for me and follow me. Few days back, I was feeling unhappy, and your constant need for my company really made me so angry, I raised my voice at you. I really felt bad after that. I also realized that, in order to keep you happy, I must be happy. I am making sure never to loose my temper in front of you again.

7. Now, I am going to say a very interesting thing about you which might give you a shy smile when you read it. You flirt, yes you do ! If you see tall, fair guys when we go for shopping, the attempts you make to capture their attention is so beautiful. You stare,  make different noises to get their attention. This Saturday you were smiling so much at a guy in a shopping mall and he was smiling back too. He became so amused that a little one was giving such a friendly smile and attention. You show preference for men. You never go to any women other than me. But, whenever your dad's friends or colleagues visit, you are very friendly to them. You want to go to their hands, you become extra active in their presence. This is very surprising considering the amount of stranger anxiety you show. I actually read that babies flirt too, and seeing it personally is amazing :) Oh, my little girl not so soon :) !

8. The person you are most happy with, is your dad. You are full of smiles and giggles when he is around. Anisha, he is a great human being and you are blessed to be a part of his life. No, no, actually, you are his life. You will know by yourself how true my words are as you grow up ! He is so understanding, non-judging, forgiving, totally supportive person, I have ever seen. That doesn't mean we don't fight. We argue a lot. But, nowadays, it has gone down a lot, almost to nothing. We make sure not to argue or shout in your presence. I know that it will hurt you, Anisha. Because, it hurt to see my parents arguing when I was young, especially, when I was of the age where I could not understand what the problem was !

9. Today, Tanya was here. Will tell you soon who Tanya is. We were busy with something else and you were doing something which you shouldn't. I was telling you sternly that you shouldn't do so. You understood that I was not pleased. You were actually crying everytime Tanya had eye contact with you. But, when I scolded you in front of her, in order to hide the awkwardness, you smiled at her. Oh my, you are growing Anisha, you really are ! You are no more as little and as innocent as I think :)

10. You showed the first signs of jealousy this month. Your dad was lying on my lap, you came quickly and was trying to remove his head from my lap. When you couldn't do so, you laid down with your head on my lap , too. That was super cute to look at. 

Hope you will enjoy reading all this someday, Anisha. Stay very happy, healthy and blessed.

Amma