This question made me angry , very angry. I was asked this question many a time when we were in India , by many people in your dad's native. People wanted to know whether we were leaving you with your grandparents. "Why should I ? " , I wondered !
One day , when you were around 6 months old , your paternal grandma asked me over phone , " Manju , leave Anisha with me , I will take care of her ". This suggestion came , after I told one of our relative over phone that , " hereafter we will be having only one salary and there won't be much savings ( just casually , as she was enquiring about it ) ". Your grandma was there at that time hearing the conversation. The next day , she asked whether she could take care of you. I got irritated , but tried to hide it and said that I would never do so, and moreover , it is not easy to take care of a young child at their age. The conversation ended there. But , it left a huge insecure feeling within me. How dare she ask me like that ! Believe me , until now I see her as a threat. I know it is totally stupid on my part , my brain knows it , but my heart fails to accept it !
Soon , I came to realize that in Andhra it is a common happening. Women get married , give birth , and leave their child with their mother or mother-in-law , and get back to work. Easy , right ? Yes , they make it sound so easy ( I also wonder how many women are forced to do so ! ) Their point is , " We elders have no work , life is boring , and taking care of the grandchild makes life interesting " ( Didn't you get your chance of bringing up your children ? ) I guess , it gives a sense of purpose to them. There is also a hidden meaning , " Why to lose the additional salary , isn't money important ? " Money rules !
I have now come across couples who leave their kid with their parents. I am desperate want to ask them how they are able to do so. I wonder , what they think about parenting ! Do they think giving birth makes them a parent ? Or , are they so mature enough to give the most beautiful parenting experience to others ? ( Will they be able to get it back ? ) Is money so important ? Or , is their career so important ? I tell myself that every individual's situation is different , their priorities in life are different , and I should not get judgemental. But even then , what the hell is wrong with them !
Anisha , we struggled hard to have you in our life. But even if our baby-making journey would have been easy-peasy , even if we were blessed with umpteen children , we wouldn't have left our children with anyone. You might ask , " Amma , isn't money important ? " It is ! Financial stability is the base on which we could build a beautiful life. There was a psychologist called Maslow , he proposed a theory which is called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It says , only when our basic needs are met , we can move to the stage of self-actualization ( achievement of one's own full potential through creativity and independence) . The best things in life like love, friendships, and creativity come free, but to reach that stage of getting those things for free, one needs to become self-sufficient in their basic needs and safety. I think , we are in a stage where our basic needs like food , shelter and safety can be met easily with your dad's salary , and we do have some savings to meet our emergency needs. I and your dad , have never given much importance to money anytime ( we never allowed money to rule us ! ) . Money is not important more than you , your comfort and emotional safety.
Motherhood is not about giving birth - it is only a tiny part of it. Motherhood is a journey and I wouldn't want to miss any part of it , especially , not the one where you need me the most. One of my friend commented , " my child didn't get what Anisha gets ". That kept me thinking. The only reply I had but didn't say was , " I made a conscious decision to be with Anisha ; the time I spend with Anisha didn't happen to me by chance , I decided to make her my preference more than anything else ".
Will I regret my decision later ? Isn't my profession important ? I don't think I will ever regret taking a break from my professional life. I didn't do so for you , or for anyone's comfort. I did so for myself - solely for my comfort , peace of mind and happiness. I didn't sacrifice anything for your sake. So , little one , if I tell you anytime that I sacrificed my professional life to take care of you , never believe it :) Anisha , I also have much confidence in myself. If I ever work again , I don't want to work under anyone , I don't want to use my talent to give life to others' ideas. I wish I could work on my own ideas ; I wish I could do something which gives me immense satisfaction ; I wish I could do something which challenges my knowledge and keeps life interesting. I wish I could do something which will inspire you to follow my path :)
I sometimes wonder what women are losing by believing they are capable of wearing multiple hats ! Women can wear multiple hats , but they never get to enjoy the beauty and satisfaction of wearing one hat at a time. There is a time for everything in life. Nothing is more important than spending time with one's own child for the first few years of their life. It is very important for a mother as much as it is for a child. I am immensely thankful and grateful that I can do so.
No women should be compelled to take up their career when all they want to do is to be with her child for the first few years of life. If a woman is forced to sacrifice their motherhood experience for the sake of money , that's the cruellest thing someone could do to a mother. A baby is supposed to be with its mother - not with its grandparents or in child care.
This topic is bothering me for a while , so decided to put it in words.
Love ,
Amma
