Your maternal great grandpa is no more !

He breathed his last on 19.11.2015, he is 90 years old. He had a long life, had 5 children, his wife passed away several years ago - when she was 58 years old. Two of his children were no more - my dad, his son, left this world 8 years ago -  exactly when he was 58 years old ,  just like his mom ! Surprisingly, my dad's sister breathed her last around 58 years, too. I guess they shared majority of their mom's genes and perhaps there is an inherent longevity clock ticking in their genes. I share majority of my dad's genes, too - I am very similar to him in character and our health problems ( metabolic syndrome ! ) are similar too ! :) Death happens - sooner or later !

This year, I got to hear the news of two old men's demise in our family - one is my uncle ( my mom's sister's husband ) and the other, my granddad. Both of them are very old. Although, their demise didn't come as a shock, it did create a pang of sadness within me. The news of near one's death ( even if they are very old , or not so close emotionally ) always brings about an uncomfortable sensation - perhaps that's the moment I think about my own mortality , or even worse , my dear one's mortality  !  Previous year , when I met them both I felt sorry for them. I found them getting weaker day by day and waiting for their death , fearfully !  Yes , fearfully. And sometimes , I guess , they wished they were no more. Old age is cruel , it cripples people. People find themselves in a boring routine , and many find that they have nothing more to do than to wait for their 'D-day' ! People who enjoy good health even when they are older are gifted ones !

We all are getting closer to death every passing second - that's the universal truth.  When someone understands and accepts their own mortality and embraces it fearlessly, old age becomes much of a gentler, happier experience rather than a horror. That's why, as people get older, it is considered wise to spend much time in  embracing spirituality ( not necessarily religious ), and try to keep their desires at bay . But nowadays, life is viewed merely as a  source of pleasure and enjoyment ( there are much more physical comforts too than there were few decades ago ) As a result , I find people extremely scared of death. They cling on to their dear life. They are more scared to part with their money and the enjoyment it brings , rather than parting with their dear ones ! My uncle , who passed away recently told me when I met him previous year, " your dad left too early without enjoying the enormous retirement pension ! " That left me with a smile - enjoyment is a very personal experience, not everyone finds joy in material things , at least my dad didn't ! I wanted to tell him this but decided not to.

Death - most people are afraid of it and none escapes it ! Anisha, by the time you read this post , you might have acquired some idea about death. Today , I was talking to my little sister. I asked her how my nephews  aged 6 and 4 are taking their great granddad's demise. I was curious whether they asked her something about his absence. She replied , the elder one didn't talk much about it and was busy  playing ; the younger one was telling everyone that his great grandfather died. My sister continued , "I corrected him" , she said.  "I told him that , he must say grandpa went to God and shouldn't say he died. " For a moment I was astonished. My sister is a MD Gynecologist , a doctor ! And she felt the need to correct her son who was telling a honest truth.  Even more , she is instilling her beliefs ( does she believe so ! ) in him. I told her that my nephew was correct and shouldn't have been "corrected" !

People are very uncomfortable even with the word 'death'. Actually , death is as beautiful as life. Death is not the opposite of life , it is a part of life without which life becomes valueless and painful. Death is not only the end of life , it is also the end of all sufferings ! Death is peaceful , serene - just like a long , deep , peaceful sleep. According to me , the most serene places are not the places of worship. Nowadays , majority of God's tabernacles has become mere business centers ! Once I went to a cemetery here in Germany. The entire place was so beautiful and serene. People who came there carried only love and good memories of the deceased - I am very sure about it , their face showed it all. There is no place for hatred or ego in a graveyard. There is no difference between people based on caste , creed , religion or the amount of wealth they posses. Cemetery is also a place which reminds everyone of their own mortality and hence it brings a sense of humility as you step in. We are reminded how fragile our lives are ! The more we get to realize how unpredictable and fragile our lives are , the more we tend to value the right things in our life - people, love , happiness , peace , humility , present moment etc., rather than spending our precious life hating , fighting , being proud , egoistic and materialistic. I wish people visit cemeteries more often just like they visit temples. Graveyard is  a great place to kindle the spirituality which is inherent in our souls. It is also a great place to introduce the concept of death to children - this will help curbing their fear about dying and death. It will also teach children the utmost wisdom of life - " this too shall pass ! "

You might have many questions now : what happens after death ? Where will we go ? Is there a heaven and hell ? Do we go to God ? Do we come back again to this earth ? Is there a life again , is there a life after death ? What happens to my loved ones after they die ? Will they be able to see me ? Will I get to meet them again ?

I am not going to answer any of these questions because there are no correct answers for it - not with anyone ! Or put it like this , not a single answer fits everyone's maturity and understanding. It does not take much time for me to answer these questions from my level of maturity and understanding. But , it doesn't really help you. I don't believe in teaching you what I believe in. I can teach you scientific facts but not beliefs. You don't have to believe in what I do - be it good or bad. You have to find your own answers , I am sure you will. My daughter will be intelligent enough to do so. If I need to tell you something , this is it - find an answer which satisfies not only your brain but your heart and soul too. That will be the only right answer for YOU , yes , for only you !

Anisha , death is as beautiful as life. We all have the privilege of dying because we had the privilege to be born in the first place. No one can escape death , but , there is a way to live even after someone dies. Do you know how ? You can immortalize yourself by living life in the best way possible.

The only sure - fire way of continuing life even after death is to make the best use of your knowledge and share the fruits of it with this world. If you can use your knowledge for uplifting humanity and this world , then you will for sure to continue to live. Nothing else has the power to make you immortal.

In case if you are afraid of death , don't be. If you live well , death really doesn't matter. No one knows their expiry date. It can come sooner or later. So make sure to live every moment. Appreciate the goodness of life , be thankful for every day you are given. If you are afraid of losing your loved ones , remember this -  loss of loved ones is not much painful than losing their love. You cannot stop their death but you can prevent losing their love - so value and love the people in your life - you never know whether you will have them the next moment ! Even if they are gone , if their love remains with you , you will heal. Also make sure to remain detached as much as you are attached. Remember that nothing is permanent , everything will pass. Too much dependency on someone can leave you paralyzed if they are gone , so learn to beindependent.

Anisha , as a mother , I wish that you live happily forever. But the real best wish would be  - " May you have a long life filled with happiness and good health. May you have the strength to face adversities with a strong mind and body ,  and overcome it in the best possible way. May never feel alone and neglected. May you be surrounded with lots of love and peace."

Love you kuttima , love you so much ! Thanks a ton for your presence ! Thanks for bringing out the mother in me - it feels good ! 

Tomorrow , we are leaving to India. I am sure the trip will be very exciting for you. Everyone are so eager to meet you. You will be drenched with so much love and affection. Enjoy the beautiful moments.

Amma

You first few steps

You took few steps yesterday ( December 6 th ) , without support. How beautiful it was to look at ! You had a smile in your face - as if you are enjoying the feat you are performing. It doesn't appear that you are striving hard for it , although, it is an enormous task for your little feet and body. It appeared as if you are doing it gleefully and I am sure it is very exciting for you. From then on , you wanted to walk all the time , holding my fingers. Every time you walk , your face blooms with a beautiful , proud smile. There are no signs of fear , there is only a passion to master the art of walking. Every time you fall down , you rise much more strongly. You don't get ashamed that you fell. You wobble a lot , fall a lot , yet , you want to keep on trying. I am so proud of you , my daughter.  I am sure you will be walking before your first birthday.

You are learning ( and teaching ) life's very important lessons :

If you try passionately you can master anything.

Everytime you fall , make sure to get up and move on. Every fall will only make you a bit more stronger and wiser.

Do not let fear and shame hinder your efforts to succeed.

Be focussed and determined.

Never give up !

Thanks for the lessons you teach me ! I wish you don't forget these precious lessons as you grow older.

Stay very happy , healthy and blessed !

Love ,
Amma

Our little princess !

Dear Anisha ,

This weekend we attended Sarthak's first birthday party. After the initial fuss about the strange place and new people , you enjoyed a lot. I was so happy about this. I was afraid how you will adjust to the big crowd. But once you got comfortable , you were non-stoppable.  You were crawling , standing , taking few steps and interacting with people you loved.

Anisha , I was so proud of myself , too. As a mother , I have done a good job. I felt this after seeing all other little ones who came for the party. You are shining among them. Children who are couple of months elder than you appeared smaller. Many haven't reached the developmental milestones you have reached. My friends  always suggested that , I must leave you in kindergarten and that will help you to be socially amicable. To my surprise , you were interacting with people much more than other kids who go to day care. You are way taller , heavier and your skin is healthy and shining , of course you are much intelligent too. I can't help but compare and be proud. I think I have every right to do so.

The most important reason for all this is , I spend 24h with you taking care of your needs. You still drink only breast milk , while other children are not fed breastmilk at all , or they are not breastfed from 4 or 6 months. Until now , I feed you without a time schedule , you get the warmth and comfort whenever you need , doesn't matter even if it is four times an hour. You sleep with me , always near my body's warmth. I hug and kiss you a lot. I haven't left you in day care , I am not planning to leave you anywhere until you are three years old. I prepare food for you taking care of all your nutritional needs , I spend time cooking for you , feeding you only the best. All this has made an enormous difference. You are happy , healthy and glowing. You are very kind and loving to other children and people. Your aversion towards women is still there. You are comfortable with men. Many of my friends said , " Manju ,  after you reach home , remove evil eye for Anisha ". I took it as a compliment. I don't believe in evil eyes , neither should you !

See your photo below , I haven't overstated anything :)

Stay happy and blessed , my dear daughter !

Love ,
Amma

See , how you enjoy your dad's singing !

Anisha , love you Nana. You make our days brighter , difficult times shorter and our souls happier. Stay happy , healthy , and blessed. Keep smiling always !

Amma

Ten months completed !

A smile can hide everything !

Dear daughter,

How is my new hair cut ? I guess you liked it. Otherwise, you would have cried and screamed until I tie my hair into a pony tail. For the past few months, I couldn't even wear my hair as I wish, you control how I must leave my hair - you rule ! :) Somehow, I got an approval from you for this hair style. You observed me for sometime and then you ........smiled !

Anisha, don't I look happy ? But, that's not the truth. I am feeling miserable. I looked several years older in a few days. I badly needed a change - both inside and outside ! So, I decided to pamper myself a bit - the end result is this ! Do I feel better inside ? I am a bit OK now. I am sure this emotional suffering will pass too - if it doesn't, someday, like everyone, I will pass and nothing will matter anymore :) !

I was really suffering within me. I even started thinking like this -  'if I have some serious illness, like cancer, will my wish be fulfilled, won't they consider my wish ?' Yes , I was that desperate. Then, I read an article about how you can make yourself sick, just by your thoughts. I was terrified. I want to be with you Anisha. I don't need anyone else, I don't need anyone else's attention, kindness or presence other than your's and your dad's. I have everything a woman could wish for. I do not want to spoil anything with my negative thoughts, I shouldn't. 

I need to make my inner self beautiful, too. I read a lot - as usual good books and articles give me lots of solace. I understood that my actions did bring me to this point of misery. I shouldn't allow other people's hatred or neglect towards me define me. If I have caused them to react like that, it is my fault and I must take responsibility for that. I must be grateful always and make sure none of my actions hurt them. I know very well I am a beautiful human being - both inside and outside ! I will continue to be so. I will. Anisha's mom should always be a beautiful person, don't you agree ?

OK, let us talk something else, something nicer, something happier : you are going to be 10 months in a few days ! Shall I say 10 interesting things about you ? Here we go !

1. Anisha, you were born after 7 years of infertility struggle. But the moment we held you in our arms, we forgot all the sufferings and pain we underwent to have you. You are a product of strength, courage, perseverance, hope, faith and most importantly, lots of love. I am so proud to have you, Anisha.You are our treasure. 

2. The first dress you wore immediately after your birth is a purple coloured one ( they gave the dress in hospital ). You looked so beautiful in it. Purple colour suits you so well.

3. Do you know the meaning of your name ? Nisha means 'dusk' or 'darkness'. 'A'nisha means 'against darkness' or 'dawn'. Yes, you are our dawn. You are our sunshine who drove away our dark times. Your name also has many different beautiful meanings in many different languages, actually yours is a name used by people around the world. Another very important reason for naming you as Anisha is because of my IVF Dr ,  Dr. Aniruddha Malpani. He is a person who has inspired me a lot ; I adore, appreciate, love and respect him. His presence was of great help during my struggle to have you. As a mark of respect , I named you as Anisha. Sometimes, we forget the goodness we receive from others - we are just humans, afterall ! By naming you as Anisha, I will always remember that I must be very thankful to Him, I must never forget the goodness I received. I secretly wish that you acquire some of His  goodness too :)

4. You haven't taken a single bottle of formula milk, until now. I breastfeed you. I am so proud and thankful that I could do so. You work very hard on my breasts too (you don't get tired of sucking ). Your efforts have paid off and the milk supply is still very good. I am planning to breastfeed you as long as I could. The bonding we have developed as a result of breastfeeding is amazing. You look very beautiful when you smile with my nipples in your mouth :) I make sure to play with you and make you smile when you are at my breasts.

5. You started to roll over at 4 months. At 6 months, you were making attempts to crawl, you actually crawled backwards. Few days into 8 months, you started to crawl, stand with support and take few steps. Now at 9 months, you have learned to open every cupboard in home and pull things out. You have started to walk holding the walker. You made your first attempt of standing without support, yesterday !

6. You are having stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. When you meet strangers you observe them keenly and start crying. It takes few minutes before you get back to normal and start being yourself. I believe, the anxiety you have, shows your normal development and intelligence :) Separation anxiety is also at its peak. If I move away from the room you are, you start to get restless, cry, and start to search for me and follow me. Few days back, I was feeling unhappy, and your constant need for my company really made me so angry, I raised my voice at you. I really felt bad after that. I also realized that, in order to keep you happy, I must be happy. I am making sure never to loose my temper in front of you again.

7. Now, I am going to say a very interesting thing about you which might give you a shy smile when you read it. You flirt, yes you do ! If you see tall, fair guys when we go for shopping, the attempts you make to capture their attention is so beautiful. You stare,  make different noises to get their attention. This Saturday you were smiling so much at a guy in a shopping mall and he was smiling back too. He became so amused that a little one was giving such a friendly smile and attention. You show preference for men. You never go to any women other than me. But, whenever your dad's friends or colleagues visit, you are very friendly to them. You want to go to their hands, you become extra active in their presence. This is very surprising considering the amount of stranger anxiety you show. I actually read that babies flirt too, and seeing it personally is amazing :) Oh, my little girl not so soon :) !

8. The person you are most happy with, is your dad. You are full of smiles and giggles when he is around. Anisha, he is a great human being and you are blessed to be a part of his life. No, no, actually, you are his life. You will know by yourself how true my words are as you grow up ! He is so understanding, non-judging, forgiving, totally supportive person, I have ever seen. That doesn't mean we don't fight. We argue a lot. But, nowadays, it has gone down a lot, almost to nothing. We make sure not to argue or shout in your presence. I know that it will hurt you, Anisha. Because, it hurt to see my parents arguing when I was young, especially, when I was of the age where I could not understand what the problem was !

9. Today, Tanya was here. Will tell you soon who Tanya is. We were busy with something else and you were doing something which you shouldn't. I was telling you sternly that you shouldn't do so. You understood that I was not pleased. You were actually crying everytime Tanya had eye contact with you. But, when I scolded you in front of her, in order to hide the awkwardness, you smiled at her. Oh my, you are growing Anisha, you really are ! You are no more as little and as innocent as I think :)

10. You showed the first signs of jealousy this month. Your dad was lying on my lap, you came quickly and was trying to remove his head from my lap. When you couldn't do so, you laid down with your head on my lap , too. That was super cute to look at. 

Hope you will enjoy reading all this someday, Anisha. Stay very happy, healthy and blessed.

Amma

Living , loving and laughing

All I could see in this video is your dad's love for you ! You are blessed to be his daughter. Your laughter and giggles fills our heart with happiness. Be very happy Anisha, always !

Take a look at @MPadmasekar's Tweet: https://twitter.com/MPadmasekar/status/655815165934481410?s=09

You and me , at 9 months :)

I guess it's my egg ;) , Dr. Sai has done a great job !

Selfie time

Look at our eyebrows ! We both look alike, don't we ? Your mouth is more like your dad; from forehead to nose you resemble me. You are a perfect combination of us ! I feel very thankful. Love you.

A beautiful day which ended on a trip to Notaufnahme !

Previous Tuesday, we went to the krabbelgruppe after a very long gap. Your grandparents were here and I didn't find time for krabbelgruppe. When we went previous week, there were so many little ones of your age. What a sight it was to see children crawling everywhere in that small room ! I thought you will be very happy too. But alas, you cried and cried and cried. Everyone were watching you. Elder children in the group, like Josephine, came and wiped your tears. You were crying even louder when she came near you. You tried to grab her pacifier, which by default, is always in her mouth. She was so sweet, she asked her mom whether she can give her pacifier to you :) One more little one came and gave me a building block. I wondered for a moment about it and then realized that she wants that I give it to you in order to pacify you. How kind it is of all those little hearts, and how come this compassion and empathy to strangers is lost when people get older ( in most people ) !

I was thinking that you were having stranger anxiety. But, that was not the case. That evening we took you to emergency room because you were sick ! You had your first fever - more about it in my next letter :)

I took some pictures when we returned from krabbelgruppe that morning. That particular day, weather was awesome. It was on 29th September, 2015.

Enjoy the pictures, and see how tired you were. The church in the below picture is where the krabbelgruppe is held.

In krabbelgruppe, I also met a mom of a 8 month old girl. That little one was one day elder than you. She was so cute and had the most beautiful smile. But she was not crawling or sitting on her own. Her mother enquired me whether you have started to  crawl, and I said yes you have and you even stand by holding on to support ( It is very hard not to be proud of one's own child's achievements ! ). She exclaimed that her little one was not doing so. I assured her that soon she will start to crawl and not all children are created equal. Every child will reach the developmental milestones at their own pace, and it doesn't mean that something is wrong.  After few minutes, that lady took her little one and left. I was wondering whether she was hurt and worried ! Perhaps, I could have been a little slow to boast about you. That incident did bother me for sometime, thereafter !

You will soon be nine months old, Anisha. Time has flown by very quickly. You are saying multiple syllables from six months onwards ( like thathatha, atthaa, akka, and when crying, ammee ( hopefully that's me : ) You are very curious about all the things around you. You wouldn't sit in a place, you need to move all the time. We have kept all the things which might hurt you away from your reach. I have to keep an eye on you all the time. When you are doing something which might harm you, I have to forcefully remove you from that place. Although you are cooperative most of the time, sometimes you couldn't stand that I prevent you from doing things which gives you joy.  You cry or show your discontent by the noises you make. I have to carefully think about the pros and cons, and if I find that the outcome of a particular action of yours has the possibility of harming you, I have to interfere in your business. I think, this is what will be my responsibility for many more years to come. But, once you are mature enough to understand, and gracefully accept the results of your decisions and actions, I assure you that I will let you decide and act on your own will and wish, provided, I must be confident that you wouldn't hurt yourself very badly ( your body or soul ! ). And, I really wonder whether I myself have such wisdom !

Grow happy, healthy and strong, Anisha. I hope I will have the strength and wisdom to take care of you in the best possible way. I don't know whether I am good mom, but I am doing my best with the meager knowledge I posses. I am also learning from you, everday !

Love you kuttima, stay blessed !

Amma

The joy of finding a rainbow after a storm !

Anisha, yesterday there was heavy rain in Randersacker. After the rain, the sun came out. I was so sure that we will see a rainbow. We both went out and there it was, very bright and beautiful ! The rain has washed away all the dirt, and everything appeared so clean - the trees, the leaves, the grass, everything ! The entire atmosphere was relaxing. I couldn't stop clicking the beauty which my eyes captured. I hope, one day you will enjoy these rainbow pictures, too. You will get to see what my eyes saw and enjoyed !

You are our rainbow, too ! You came after a heavy storm - after we lost our twins ! I thought, I wouldn't survive the dark days that followed the loss of our little ones.
But, I did. When the stormy days are over, you appeared in our life like this beautiful rainbow. Or, your appearance ended our stormy days. I am grateful for your presence every single moment. I make sure to enjoy every moment with you. Your presence is a huge blessing.

Anisha, we are fortunate enough to live in a place where nature is at its best. There is greenery everywhere, the air smells so clean. Now, the autumn has arrived. The leaves are getting old and they will be gone soon. The apples and grapes are ripe. What a sight it is to see ripe grapes hanging on the vine ! Oh, how I wish that we could stay here fworever ! Since it's a small village, people are very kind and friendly, too ( probably, they are much happier than their city-dwelling counterparts ! ) . Yesterday, a grandma saw you when we went to buy groceries. She is very happy and excited to see you, little one. Do you know what she said ? She said, when you grow up, you will look like an angel :) That's a great compliment, isn't it ?

 I used to long to stay in such a place, I used to long for a house like this. But, we never managed to do so. Money was so important those days. Infertility treatments are very costly. But now, money doesn't seem to be important. Only you, your well being is important. I wanted a place where you could grow happy, comfortable and healthy. Fortunately, we are blessed to be in such a place. Perhaps, you are meant to spend your earlier days here. Why else should we get this opportunity to stay in a place like this ? My heart fills with joy when I see you enjoying and growing up with nature.

Everything appears like a dream ! All my wishes have come true so beautifully. That's unbelievable, and I am scared at times. I have learnt that life is so unpredictable. Everything can change at a wink of an eye. Nothing in this world lasts forever, nothing remains unchanged. This wisdom has instilled in me a deep sense of gratitude and humility. It has taught me to enjoy the present moment. It has helped me to appreciate everything and everyone, I have in my life. Anisha, life changes constantly. So, when you are facing a hard time, be strong and patient. Hard times won't last forever, life will get better, for sure. And, if you are enjoying happy times, remember that, it won't last longer too. So, be humble and thankful !

Below are some pictures of the rainbow, and also some pictures of us. We go for a morning stroll everyday ( the pictures were clicked by your dad during one such time ) , and those are our most beautiful moments of togetherness. 

Love,
Amma

Yashodha and little Krishna

Whenever, I used to see the below painting of Yashodha and Krishna, I used to dream of having a similar picture with my little one, too. If you wonder why most of our pictures are in a similar pose, this is the reason :) Doesn't reality look much better than the painting ?

Our Little Krishna !

Dear Anisha,

This year Gokulashtami ( Lord Krishna's Birthday Celebration - a Hindu festival ! )  is a very, very special one. Before I had you, every year, I used to wonder when will I have you so that I could decorate you as Little Krishna ! In Indian mythology, Lord Krishna was portrayed as a mischievous, beautiful, heart-capturing young one. He has a peacock feather decorating his crown and a flute in his hand. When he plays the flute, the music produced was said to mesmerize even the cattle. Whenever, I see pictures of little ones dressed like Little Krishna, my heart used to melt. Little children of  your age ooze out so much divine beauty and hence when dressed up like Little Krishna, they capture everyone's heart. You are no exception, you were  looking divine. You looked so adorable. And that divine smile, oh, how much I love your smile ! Anisha, I feel so blessed and thankful for having you. Be very happy always ! Love you.

Amma

I want you to know this !

My daughter, my eyes

Anisha, I wanted a daughter, and I wished she could have my eyes - eyes which look like mine !

I have got lot of compliments for my eyes. I used to say proudly that my eyes are my mother's gift to me. When I utter those words when young, I would dream of having a daughter with my eyes. When struggling with infertility, I used to wonder whether my wish will ever come true !

When you were a month old, the midwife commented, how big your eye lashes are ! My joy knew no bounds. As you grow, your eyes are getting a nice shape. I have looked at your eyes, and also into your eyes, more than I have looked at anyone else's. I ask your dad everyday whether your eyes look like mine.

In this picture of yours, your eyes appear very prominent and of course similar to mine. Doesn't it ? 

Two little feet, ten little toes

You leave footprints in our hearts, Ani kuttima. Love you and may God bless you abundantly !

"I’ll tickle your toes, I’ll check for monsters, I’ll show you the stars and teach you how to reach for them".

I found the above, in internet. Isn't that cute ?

The below picture was taken when you were seven months old. When you wave your legs in air, the music these little beads create, fills my heart with joy.

Many kisses,

Amma

One more dream come true

I dreamed of wearing a similar looking dress with my daughter and having a very beautiful picture.

Now, I have a beautiful daughter. So, I asked your aunt, my sister-in-law, to buy similar looking clothes for you and me. She brought so, stitched and sent it to us with your thathaiya and nanamma.

Don't we both look gorgeous ;)

With your paternal granddad !

Happiness is ...

               Seeing one's own grandchild

How many will have that privilege ? My dad didn't have !

Your first set of books !

Anisha, I am very happy to buy you two books - The going to bed book and Good night moon. I have little idea about books for children as young as you are. I searched in Google and found these books.They are perfect for your age - they have simple words, repetitive texts and attractive colours and pictures. They are sure to stimulate your imagination as you grow older. Now, when I read them aloud to you, it gives me much joy. We both sit infront of the book - you inbetween my legs; as I read aloud, you look at the book and then turn back and look at me. When I read, "the old lady whispering hush, hush, hush", you start to smile because of the hush sound. Reading books to you, before sleep, has now become our special moment - a special time which strengthens our bond !

Books are very good companions. The joy of reading a good book cannot be equated to anything else. I have spent  considerable amount of my childhood reading books. I read a lot of books in my mother tongue, and as well as in English. I wouldn't say everything I read are children books; I wouldn't say all that I read are intellectually stimulating ones. But, I read everything - everything I could lay my hands on - good, bad and worse ones ! I loved reading story books and comics for children. Some books were published monthly once, and the thrill of waiting to read them, and the happiness I got when they were finally in my hands cannot be explained in words.  I also read weekly magazines, novels and even the writings in pieces of paper that came as a wrapping during grocery shopping. I started reading very early, as early as five years old.  I remember my parents getting worried about the things I read. But, anyway I read - with or without their knowledge ! I don't have any regrets, because, such voracious, unprincipled reading is what which helps me to put my thoughts into words much efficiently, now.

My dad, made sure to buy me good books, books which were interesting for my age. Most of the gifts I got from him were books. He introduced me to Reader's digest. He got me old Reader's digest from platform vendors. Oh, what a joy it was to read reader's digest - the language was simple, the content was heart-capturing, especially, the old editions of Reader's digests were awesome. I wish I could get some old editions of it now !

When I was young, we went on a trip to Bangalore, with our relatives. There were children of my age in that group. When we went through a shopping area, other children were very eager to buy things which my dad couldn't afford to buy for us. I still remember a guitar, which is meant for children, in the display. It was very costly too. While others were buying such things for their children, my dad vanished from that place. When I was oggling at that guitar, my dad came back with a set of books in his hands. He bought for me Robinson Crusoe, Huckleberry Finn and Alice in wonderland. Although, the guitar was very attractive, the books that were in my hands did satisfy my little heart. I was so proud to hold them. They looked and smelled great. My dad has taught me many life lessons, the most important thing I learned from him was, to find happiness in little things - from books, from growing plants, from a hearty conversation - all small, small pleasures, but which gives immense happiness - a guilt-free happiness ! And, he also taught me the joy of giving gifts, especially, giving books as gifts.

To give you the happiness I got as a kid, to teach you the pleasure I enjoyed, I wanted to buy you lots of books, too. That was my dream even before you were born. Anisha, nothing else in this world could enlighten you, like books. They give you wings to fly- you can escape into an amazing, imaginary world;  they give you companionship; they give you joy; they give you moral strength during times of despair, they imbibe you with knowledge and wisdom; they make you laugh; they make you cry and most of all they make you think ! Good books will teach you empathy too - for sure good books will make you a better human. I sincerely hope you turn out to be a voracious reader.

So, little one, do you want to see whether you enjoyed your first set of books ? Yes, you did, see the pictures below ! Don't mind your grumpy dad, he was tired and was angry that I was taking photos of you, when it was time to sleep :) He was really tired after a long day of work, and we disturb his precious sleep nowadays, too often. That's not very kind of us :(

Love,
Amma

When Anisha gets annoyed :)

Anisha, recently you have started to babble a lot. When you get annoyed, this is how you talk :) Love you little one !

https://youtu.be/AiqC8KDsuRw

My first birthday with you and the little me !

Dear Anisha,

Today, I am 37 years old. Your presence has made this birthday very special. My previous few birthdays were just a reminder of passing years, empty arms and a yearning heart. And this year, my arms are too full and my heart very content. I thanked all the people who helped me to have you - it felt good to do so !

People asked me how I celebrated my b'day. If celebration is all about inviting friends, cutting cake and having a nice dinner, I didn't do anything of that sort. As usual, I spent all day with you while your dad was at work. We went to Krabbelgruppe meeting in the morning. It was held in playground this time. You were eagerly watching the children play.  Anisha, you have started to smile at children to get their attention. But alas, they were very busy running around and playing - no one noticed your smile.  You are too little for them. Wait little one, soon you can join them, I am sure you will have lots of fun !

In the morning, your dad wished me with a kiss on the forehead. I didn't think he remembered my birthday (normally he used to talk about it in advance and this time he didn't), but he did. He also told you that today is my birthday and made you kiss me. Then, he was off to work. In the afternoon, he called me to ask what model Amazon Kindle I would like to have and he got me the best which is available in the market. That's very, very sweet of him. I wanted to have a Kindle for a long time now. I hope you will give me enough time to read books ! It's also time to buy some books for you, I am excited about it !

I called my mom to get her blessings. She was very happy for me. She was excited because you are with us this birthday. She started to talk about her elder child proudly (that's me, me!) - how I was, when little ! She said a lot of things about me.

Your grandma said, I was 3.5 kgs when born. I had lots of curly hair and looked like a doll. My eye lid was red in colour and everyone was saying that I came with a natural eye shadow. I captured everyone's attention. I was a very happy and friendly baby too. I was so friendly that I didn't want to come back to my parents after going to strangers ! :P I had a special liking for doctors, and when taken to  hospitals, invariably, my parents have to struggle to take me back from the doctor !

My mom had enough breastmilk until I was six months old. Then, there was not much. My parents not knowing how to feed an infant, gave me cerelac diluted like milk. I started to lose weight. My grandma who came to visit us was shocked to see me. She scolded my mom for being so ignorant. She started giving solid foods for me. Anisha, I am very much aware of the importance of good nutrition for you at this age. I am trying my level best to feed you nutritious food. I am not afraid to experiment, and you are enjoying most of the things I prepare for you or buy for you. I was not this happy anytime for being a biologist - it helps me to understand your nutritional needs better ! I realize that a biologist will be a great mom too :) I have ignored many of the cultural and traditional beliefs, and   scientific misconceptions, when choosing food for you and I am happy I could do so. You are now eating egg yolks, liver, meats  variety of vegetables and fruits, and of course my favorite food - idly :) But still, your main nutrition comes from breastmilk. You are loving food and that's what my aim is. I do not want to force you to gulp something (so as to finish my work ! ). I want that you enjoy eating good food. I avoid sugar, salt and cow's milk at any cost. And, I never give you something similar to cerelac which is nothing but crap. It contains loads of carbohydrate without any real nutritional benefit. I was shocked to hear people say, "give her cerelac, she will put on lots of weight" ! Indian's obsession about heavy and fair skinned babies will never cease to exist !

My mom also said,  I was very kind, helpful and compassionate to the needy. I never said no to anyone, and was happy to give whatever I had without a second thought.

She said, when I was around two years old, a ten year old kid used to come to the grassland near my home, rearing goats. I used to happily give all the toys to her and run behind the goats :) I loved animals and I still do. My dream is to have a pet dog for you when you are a little grown up (around five years or so !). I hope your dad doesn't object to it (he is not comfortable having pets), and I really wish you would grow up to love animals too. When you are a little more grown up we will have a small aquarium, Anisha. My dad had one when I was little and it gave me much joy to watch those colourful pets.

I was fearless too. Nothing scared me, absolutely nothing.

When I was around three years old, I was sent to kindergarten. My class teacher was trying to coax me to hold the chalk and write alphabets. I was in no mood to do so. She forced me to write - I pulled her hair and slapped her ! It doesn't feel so good to write it down, especially, to tell you. It was a very ugly thing to do and that too at such a tender age. I wish you never have temper problems like me. I don't really understand what made me to do so. My mom said, the teacher did punish me (perhaps she slapped me too, if so, that's not very kind of her :D !) and took me home and complained to my mom. My mom was dumbstruck to listen to what I did. But eventually, I became that teacher's pet :)

After I started to talk, I used to ask lots of questions. I was  curious about everything and anything. The only way to shut my mouth is to give me something to eat.

When I was around five or six years old, my mom took me to a place of worship. It was evening time and everyone was singing devotional songs. I was wondering what to do. I thought it is mandatory to sing and started to sing an item number from a movie - obviously that is what I knew ! :) My mom has to forcefully shut my mouth and remove me from that place.

My mom told me another incident. Once I saw a pig being tied to a bicycle and taken away. I felt very sorry for that poor animal and I was asking my mom, why they have to do so. Suddenly, I started to take deep breaths, as if, I was struggling for air. My mom was afraid to see that, but it did get better after sometime. I think, I had this for some years. I vaguely remember it now. When something affects me deeply, in someway, I had such panic attacks. I guess it's a panic attack.

It was so interesting to hear the stories about my childhood. I also realized that I haven't changed much.

Thirty six years on this earth is a blessing - many didn't have this opportunity. I have had a very rich life filled with so many different experiences. I have won, I have lost.I have done right, I have done wrong. I have made mistakes which I regret, and some which I don't. I have loved too much, sometimes, until it hurts, and hated very little.  I have lost my loved ones - either to death or to circumstances ! I have hurt people and I have got hurt. I have many a time hurt myself too with my choices. I have a wonderful life partner. I have longed for a baby, fought for it and I am very thankful that I have you now. I am happy that you didn't happen by accident - you are a byproduct of intense longing, courage, strength and determination. My life is not without difficulties - but every difficulty has helped me to grow stronger. I am what I am, and I have no regrets at all. I am very proud of my life, proud of myself. Most importantly, I am very thankful for having this life.

Anisha, I do wish, you grow up to be like me in many ways and as good natured as your dad. But then, isn't it an oxymoron ? :D

Much love, amma

Trip to animal park

We did go to tier park the next day, on 14.7.2015. Even after getting up in the morning, I was wondering whether we must go. Lack of proper sleep did make me very tired and lazy. But I gathered all my energy and decided we must go. I am happy that we went - it is such a beautiful place. The park is spread over several acres with a dense canopy. There are some goats, lambs, wild pigs, donkeys, horses and a tortoise. You were looking around, but you are not so curious about animals yet. You did have a good time watching the surroundings eagerly, watching the children, and you had a great sleep too. I think, fresh air and comfortable weather made you sleepy. So here we go :