Ninth wedding anniversary

Anisha , I am married to your dad for 9 years , we are together for 12 years. What should I say - I am blessed to be with a life partner who is so kind , compassionate , understanding and forgiving. He allows me to be a human being rather than expecting me to be a flawless , obedient , meek and self - sacrificing woman.

When we were newly married , he held my dad's hand and said , " Do not worry , I will take care of Manju well ". My dad smiled and said , " Rajender , my worry is not about that. I am wondering whether she will take care of you well ". Who can understand me better than my dad ! Your dad has kept his word until now.

When I was pregnant with twins , he took care of me more than my mom would. I remember the idlis he used to prepare for me - they were made with so much love for three people whom he loves so much. The day we lost our children , I saw his pain. I was more worried and heart - broken on seeing your dad's pain than the loss of my children. When you were born , and when we were waiting for the photo shoot on the second day of your birth , in a hospital room , he said , " Manju , that night after the birth of our children they took you to operation theater for D&C , I was waiting in this room . I saw all the little one's picture in this room. I couldn't stop crying , there was no one with me ". Even when I think of that situation now , a chill runs in my spine. Anisha , you are your dad's gift - might be God or whosoever saw his pain on that day and gave you to him :)

Until now , all the people who know me , or even people who don't know me very personally has told me that I am very gifted to have such a life partner - and  I can't deny it.  My dad told me , " Manju , I saw his picture sent by you and I knew immediately you were in safe hands ".

I am thankful that I have your dad in my life. He might be able to lead life without me , but without him my life would be nothing. I am so dependent on him for everything - he has pampered me so much like a mother !

Anisha , you love me because you need me. In your case , the need will slowly turn into love as you grow , as you mature , hopefully ! But  , I need you because I love you. I care for you because I love you. The more you care for a person , the more you got to love them. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I love your dad or need him. As we grow together , the distinction between love and need becomes smaller and smaller. Perhaps , I love him because I need him , and I need him because I love him.

After fighting infertility together , our bond has become much more stronger. There are people who tell me , " That's great that you people stayed together after all that you both went through !" Only my reproductive system is defective , not his ! Not even a day he has made me feel I am the defective person. I never ever had a fear that he would leave me for that. When I started to love him , I intuitively knew he was the guy whom I could feel safe and secure. My intuition has never failed me , until now.

I wish I could stay under his love and warmth always - until my last breath ! Because it is the only safest place on earth for me. Yes , I am very selfish of course :)

The joy of breastfeeding you !

Dear Anisha ,

Even from a very tender age I thought breastfeeding is amazing. We had lots of cats at home. At least twice a year there will be new born kittens. It was such a beautiful sight to see the teeny-tiny little ones and their mom. They occupy a cosy corner of our home where there will be minimal disturbance. The little ones cling to their mom all the time , they will be suckling most time of the day. I used to watch them with joy and surprise. When I touch the mother cat , I could feel a vibrating sound , as if a small motor is running inside her. It is called ' purring ' and obviously it's a sign of happiness - the happinesss a new born mom has ; the happiness of suckling the young ones. The young ones vie with one another to get hold of their mom's nipple . Since their eyes will remain shut for the next couple of weeks , they use their sense of smell to get near their mom's breast . Once they do , they suck and suck and suck until they fall asleep. It was such a cute sight to see. I used to bring my finger close to the little kittens mouth which is tightly wrapped around their mom's nipple. I could feel the suckling - the rhythmic motion of their tiny mouth. What a joy it was to feel it ! I always thought - when I have my little ones , I will breastfeed them.

When you were born , I was eagerly waiting to breastfeed you. I will always cherish the memory of my first breastfeeding moments - it felt too good , I felt great.  When you were still in my tummy , the doctors asked me , " Are you planning to breastfeed ? " For me that question appeared too stupid ! After all , I have been waiting for it too long.

To be honest , I was too naive about breastfeeding. I thought breastfeeding will be easy , as easy as pie. The first day it was OK. The next day I started to get pain in my nipples. But the joy I felt when feeding you made me ignore it. The third day I saw a crack in my nipples. From then on , breastfeeding became painful. A joyful experience became scary. I was taking 4-5 ibuprofen a day to cope with the pain. The thought that I have to feed you in the next couple of hours made me fearful. My breasts felt as if they were on fire - I could feel lots of pricking sensation , I felt ill. I have cried as you put your tiny lips on my nipples. I would scream within me - " this is not what I expected , it hurts ". I used to ask Anju , your aunt ,  all the time , " How long should I breastfeed , how long is good enough ? , When will my cracked nipples heal , when will this pain go away ? " She would say , " Six months is optimum and until six months it does hurt. " Anisha , I was waiting for that six months to be over soon. I said to myself , " I can't do this more than that , NEVER ! " Although , after three months my nipples became better , until six months it was hurting on and off.

Six months came and went. I was still feeding you. My breasts started feeling normal. Breastfeeding became completely pain free. I started to enjoy the moments you cling to my breasts. I started to enjoy the sensation of milk flowing. I then , never thought of stopping breastfeeding . Now , you are 13 months old and I still breastfeed you. I love feeding you. I love the way your face calms down and you fall into a state of ecstasy when you take my nipples. I love the way you smile with my nipples in your mouth when I play with you. I love the feel of your warm palm resting on my hips when you are drinking milk. I love the way my mind relaxes when you cling to my breasts. You insist that we keep eye contact when feeding - you have now umpteen times pushed my smartphone away from my hand and I love it ! And recently , you have changed the way you demand milk. Before you used to cry , I know from the way you cry that you need a feed. But nowadays you use sign language. You tap my breast with your tiny hands. I love the way your tiny hands go thud , thud and thud against my breasts. You have always demanded milk , you have never asked for it !

I am happy that I never gave up breastfeeding. It has so many advantages , Anisha. The first and foremost is the protection you get from infections. I have now heard from many moms who couldn't breastfeed say about their first India visit experience. Their children suffered from frequent bouts of diarrhea , rashes , fever and what not ! Everyone's statement is ,  " We were most of the time in hospital , it was a nerve wracking experience". When I heard this , I was scared. But , you were perfectly fine - you didn't need doctor or medicines. You were perfectly healthy and enjoyed your time in India. I have personally experienced how protective is breastfeeding for children. Remember , when you have your children , never hesitate to breastfeed , never ! You will not regret your decision anytime.

Other than the enormous protection breastfeeding gives you , it makes my life so much easier. I don't have to carry milk powder and bottles everywhere. There is no hassle of washing the bottles and sterilizing them. Your milk is always ready in the most sterile container ! I can soothe you pretty quickly - all you need is a feed and you get pacified immediately. You fall asleep in no time. You sleep well - al least 12 -14 h a day. That gives me enough time relax. In the night , when you wake up , you get your feed and go back to sleep immediately.  And most importantly , you have developed a strong bonding with me. You need no one other than me ,  or in other words , if I am with you , that's enough for you to be happy and to feel safe. The   love and bonding we have developed with each other as a result of breastfeeding is so soul warming. I am forever thankful that I could breastfeed you.

In the beginning , after you were born , everyone's question was , " Do you have enough milk ? " When I have to face this question repeatedly , and even from people who are not so close , it bothered me very much. But now , I face a different kind of question regarding breastfeeding - " When are you going to wean Anisha ?" I really , really want to say , " It's none of your business ! " But , when it comes from near and dear , I have to keep my cool. So , I tell them that I am going to feed you as long as I have milk supply , and as long as you wish. I have received so many different replies for answering so - " If you don't wean her now , it is going to be very difficult. She will give you a very hard time ", " She will soon open her mouth and ask for milk , that will be awkward !" , " Soon she will stand and drink milk ( sarcastically ! )  " , " I have seen a toddler open his mom's blouse and drink milk , that's gross ". I wonder within myself , what the hell is wrong with these people. Even if they mean well , it is none of their business ! It is absolutely not decent on their part to tell me when to stop breastfeeding.

I was shocked to know that people consider breastfeeding a toddler awkward and gross ! It just shows their inability to view breasts as a body part which is intended to feed human babies. In their mind , breasts are connected to sex. Sexualization of breasts is their problem and not mine ! Anisha , I have breastfed you in public , many a time. Until now , I have no bitter experience. I haven't noticed anyone staring at my breasts - thankfully ! And even if someone stares , it's not my problem but theirs. I haven't felt ashamed to feed you anywhere - why should I ?

My mother - in - law , your grandma , had brought this topic many a time now. Once some of our relatives were there and she was like , " If you continue to breastfeed , it will be difficult to stop ". And this is the same lady who was proud to say that she breastfed your dad for five years ! I became furious.  I replied mockingly , " You have breastfed your son for five years , why shouldn't I breastfeed Anisha for at least half of that time period ." She didn't expect it. She hasn't started the topic again , at least not with me !

Your dad is the only person who is very supportive of me. He would say , breastfeed her as long as she desires , it's very important :)

Anisha , there are numerous scientific reports which are in favor of extended breastfeeding. WHO suggests that breastfeeding should be continued at least 2 years. I am experiencing the positive effects of breastfeeding very clearly. I wish I could continue to feed you as long as you and I are comfortable. I forgot to mention this : Breastfeeding is also helping me to manage my weight much efficiently. I am much thinner now when compared to my pre-pregnancy self. My fat deposits have started to come off  much quickly now - when I continued to breastfeed past one year - that's no wonder because my milk now contains more than 50% fat. That's the optimal composition for your healthy brain development. Anisha , you are taller , smarter , brighter , healthier , than most children of your age who were not breastfed or breastfed only for a shorter duration - I couldn't believe how obvious the difference is !

More than anything else , the time we spend together cuddling is heavenly. The bonding and love we experience is helping each other grow beautifully - physically as well as emotionally ! Why to end this enjoyable relationship because of some unreasonable people who don't understand the importance and beauty of it  ? 

Doesn't the picture below show clearly that you were in seventh heaven ?

Love ,

Amma

Peek - A - boo

Look at your smile ! It melts my heart. It brings so much happiness to our world. If there is one thing I could ask for , I will ask that this smile should never fade anytime. Keep smiling always ! Love you.

No women , please !

Anisha , you don't like women. You don't feel comfortable in their company. You don't want to go to any women - you don't even tolerate eye contact with them *sigh*. Of course , the only exception to this ' no women rule '  is , me.

You clearly demarcate between men and women - even from 7 months onwards. That's the time I saw that you prefer men over women. In the beginning , we thought that , long hair of women scares you. But that was not the case , you didn't want go to women with short hair too. I have no idea how you clearly distinguish men from women -  irrespective of their hair , dressing etc. 

During our India visit ,  in my native place  and in your dad's , people soon became aware that you prefer only men. The news that you don't go to women spread quickly. As a result , women who come to visit you were too eager to test their luck. They tried their level best to befriend you. That made you angry and frustrated. No woman succeeded in winning  your friendship. The moment they came near you stretching their hands ,  your face expression changed invariably - it clearly showed that you were not happy.

On the other hand , when a man approaches you , you were friendly - but not always ! You don't want to go to teenage boys. You prefer middle - aged men and old men. The more manlier they are  , better will be your smile and response. If someone has a big mustache , you will be so kind and friendly to them , you don't want to come back to me *sigh* ! Once a man with a big mustache came to visit us. You were sitting on his lap and eagerly watching his face. Someone was trying to initiate a conversation with him ,  and so he turned his face to talk to that person. You forcefully turned his face with your tiny hands towards you , to get a better look of his mustache. Everyone broke into laughter. oh , my lovely daughter !!!

I still don't understand the psychology behind your behavior. But it is absolutely fascinating to watch you. As a scientist , it is amazing to see how you are attracted towards men ( especially , manly ones ! ) at such a tender age.

When we were flying back to Germany , a beautiful air hostess came near you with a bright smile. Your gave a very unfriendly expression. She didn't expect it. Actually , air hostess take pride in their appearance , in their hospitality. She hid her disappointment and asked me whether she was looking scary. In order to help her feel better I told that you prefer men. She smiled and winked. She said , " oh , she is in the right track " :) 

I am not sure when this " no women rule " will come to an end. Hopefully soon :)

Love ,
Amma

Love you to the moon and back

Pain

Anisha , now it's past midnight. I am lying near you crying my heart out. I have you , and everything else one would wish for. Is this depression ? I don't know. Perhaps , it's not. I had a dream. There was a dinner table. Many I know were sitting there. I say to the people there that I need a particular place in the dinner table because a person whom I am so fond of is supposed to sit next to that place. We were all waiting for that person but he was not yet there. We all fell asleep on the table. I woke up to find that the person is not yet there. I was crying ; I could feel the pain. The pain of not able to see that person. The pain of failed expectation ; the pain of neglect.  I cry and cry , and suddenly he was there. My heart jumps with joy and excitement. And , I woke up. The dream cleary shows my longing and pain. Do you know which is the worst pain in this world ? It is to know that you were just being used , and not loved or appreciated in anyway :)

Will putting this in words help me to sleep ? Hope it does , after all , writing is cathartic , especially , writing to you !

Amma

Never give up !

See , how angry and frustrated you were ! You showed your frustration , but never gave up ! :) How happy you were when you succeeded ! My mom said that she saw me in this video :)

Your first few steps

Back to Germany !

Anisha , we are back. I feel horrible. The weather is cold and grey. I miss the sun , the lively environment and the people. I miss the emotional safety India offers. I am sure you are missing all the love and affection , the sun , the animals , the freedom to roam around and many more. I feel sorry for myself , sorry for you. When in India , I used to tell your dad that we must stay in Germany. But , from the day we came back I was thinking when should we move back to India. You need people , you need their love and protection. I do not want that you grow in Germany. The one and only reason is - I don't want that you be left alone here in Germany at some point of your life. I want you to grow up in India where you feel emotionally happy and safe. I want that you be with your grandma , grandpa , aunts , uncles and all the little ones. India is the best place for you to grow up.

We had a wonderful trip. You enjoyed the most. You were perfectly fine. No infections , no diarrhea , nothing - I attribute this to breastfeeding. Yes , I still breastfeed you. You haven't taken any other milk until now and I am so proud of my body. You caught a cold few days before we were about to leave India. Otherwise , you were fine. We celebrated your birthday there. You looked like a princess. I couldn't believe how much you have grown up !

Although , I didn't want that your first birthday is celebrated this way ( with pomp and show ) , it was done so in order to make your grandparents happy and contended. I always ended up with an argument with your dad regarding your birthday celebration - for me my daughter's birthday is a time to cherish all the wonderful memories ! I wanted that day to be different. I wanted your birthday celebration to be a private event. I wanted that day to be pure , satisfactory , meaningful and peaceful. I wanted that day for ourselves - to think about the events that led to your birth. I wanted to replay the moment I first saw you. I wanted to feel grateful and thankful. I wanted to think of everyone who made you happen. But , unfortunately , the day passed in a different way. Of course , it does look beautiful when we look at the pictures , now. But , it was really stressful with so many people around. There was lots of artificialness - in dressing , in smiles , in talk ! I am so allergic to pompous celebrations , it drains me completely . At the end of the day , I feel low because of all the artificial highs. Sometimes , I wouldn't be able to fall asleep after such a celebration - I find no joy in them !

But , we did something nice before your birthday on 21.12.2015. We went to Grace Kennet Foundation in Madurai and met all the children there. Anisha , those children don't have anyone. They were abandoned by their parents. Some were abandoned in the most cruelest manner - half buried in sand or thrown in water. I was shocked to know that some people could act so ! But , I am happy that the children now have a safe place to be in. There's enormous difference between the way you grow and they grow. You need my warmth to fall asleep. They sleep in their crib unattended by anyone. We kiss and hug you often. They don't have anyone to do so. You play with us , they play alone. When you cry , you are soothed immediately. They have no one to do so. Ha , the unfairness of life !

Anisha , we donated a small amount on your name to GKF. Your dad wants that the receipt be included in your baby album. The reason for doing so is not to make you proud. You must understand that there are so many underprivileged children in this world. You must make sure to use the privileges you receive to make their life better. You must always be thankful for what you get , and the best way to show your thankfulness is to pass on the goodness to people who are in need. I hope , my child has the heart to feel others pain , to extend her support to them , to appreciate the blessings she gets in her life and be thankful always.

Anisha , you have started to walk. Exactly on 11.1.2016 , you started to walk without any support. From then on you are non-stoppable. You understand many things now. When I say "no" , you move a finger side to side , and that means "no". I was not sure whether you know the real meaning of it. One day , your dad and I got into an argument. Your dad raised his voice. Your face became very uncomfortable. You were struggling to say something. You raised your fingers and moved it side to sidd. What a moment it was ! So , you know very well the meaning of "no" :) When we say , "open your mouth" , you say " ha , ha , ha ". That's the cutest thing I have ever heard. You love animals and you have no fear for them. You saw cats , dogs , monkeys , cows , goat , elephant and buffalo. When you saw the cats in my home , you extended your hands and made a sound " ba , ba , ba ". How on earth you knew to call animals like that ! You loved watching animals and wanted to touch them. You are trying to repeat few words. I can't wait to see you talk.

I have lots of beautiful pictures from India. I would like to explain some of them to you so that the memories associated with them are not lost ; it will help you to know when and where the picture was taken. Hopefully , I will try to do so. Nowadays , I lack the desire to write. What have I done to myself !

You are sleeping peacefully near me. I am wondering what should I prepare for lunch today - I want to prepare something nutritious , something tasty , for you. How about broccoli and chicken soup ? I think it would be great for this cold weather. When you wake up we need to go to the supermarket opposite to our home. I am always wearing my mommy hat and nothing else.  Anisha , the time I spend with you are the best times of my life.

Love ,
Amma