Anisha , don't ever forget this !

You are a strong , smart , much wanted , beautiful , kind and  lovely human. We love you , and will love you no matter what. You are the best of best. You give us so much joy. Always remember this Anisha , always !

Why to shave your head ?

I get anxiety attacks when someone talks about shaving your head , and your paternal grandma talks about it often . I haven't told her yet that I will not allow anyone to remove your hair. I fought with your dad and told him that it will not happen. His and your aunts ( his sister's ) response is , " Don't act as if only your daughter goes through this ". What an arrogant , mocking way to respond to my fear ! I don't care what others do to their children , you are mine and I wouldn't allow this. I can't even imagine a person holding your head tight , you crying with fear , and I am so afraid of some person shaving your head with a knife. I will even hit him hard at the spur of the moment What kind of practice is this ?

I am sure , this time in India , my stance will create a huge discontent and  misunderstanding among our near and dear. But I can't allow anyone to do this to you , and more importantly , I won't allow anyone to do so without your permission. I haven't pierced your ear for the same reason and your grandma was already unhappy about it * sigh * I will shave my hair if it would be suffice to pacify their God or Goddess.

Amma

And counting ...

I am surviving all the twiddling and pinching :)

It's raining and ...

We had warm tomato soup. I remembered my dad. If it's raining , he will ask me to make tomato soup. It must be watery , that's how he likes it. It's not the crap we buy from shops. It's so flavorful , healthy and tasty. I made it today and you enjoyed it thoroughly. I saw my dad in you. I also relived my childhood rainy days where I and my dad would be sipping hot tomato soup and chatting. He would say many of his young age stories - oh , how much I loved listening to them ! Sometimes , when he had a hearty laugh ,   his eyes would tear up , he would wipe and continue talking -  I miss him Anisha , I do.

Anisha , some foods are very dear to me - not because of the taste , but because of the memories I associate with it. I connect some food to beautiful memories , I guess everyone will do so. That's why I take cooking very seriously - it's a great way of showing love and affection. My dad hated  eating in restaurants , and he is someone who created an interest in cooking and nutrition , in my mind.  I am sure I have given you a nutritious start and  I am so proud of myself. You have a taste for nutritious foods. You hate anything sweet , you hate junk food. You love your fruits , veggies and meat. You prefer to eat boiled cow peas , chick peas or corn instead of cookies or chocolates. You haven't eaten a full chocolate until now. All you do with a chocolate is to  squeeze it and throw it around :) I hope you will develop a love for cooking too.

This tomato soup is very simple to make. I will leave the recipe here , in case if you need to make it someday and in case if I am not available :) So , here we go :

Ripe tomatoes - 4
Onion -  1 no
Garlic - 4-5 small pods
Jeera - 1 tbsp
Black pepper - 1 tsp or according to your taste
Turmeric - 1/2 tsp
Lime juice - tbsp ( optional )
I used olive oil , butter , rapeseed and coconut oil ( I love mixing oils , esp , when I cook for you - a healthy dose of fats ! )

Heat a pressure cooker pan , add the oils as much as you need , when the oil is hot , add cut onions and garlic , saute till the onions turn translucent , then add the tomatoes and turmeric , now add salt and saute in high heat for sometime , powder the jeera and black pepper coarsely and add it to the mixture in the pan. Add enough water , close and leave it for 5-6 whistles , as the pressure gets released a wonderful aroma fills your nostrils. Before serving mix in lime juice , adjust salt. 

The soup will be watery , and it tastes great. If you have mushrooms add a handful of it too.

When you suffer from cold , this soup gives the much needed relief. It has a good dose of anti - viral ingredients ( onion , garlic , turmeric ) , lots of lycopene , and pepper keeps you warm. Lime provides the necessary Vit C.

You just slurped it eagerly and that made my day :)

❤
Amma

Brombachsee

You had a wonderful time yesterday. You love water , and you spent most of your time in water . Brombachsee is just one and half hour drive from our place. It's a man - made lake , not a sea. The best thing about this place is , there are only very few visitors and hence less pollution. This makes it very serene , too.

Look at the pictures :) How I wish I could post some of my pictures too ! If I have had a beach body definitely I would flaunt it. I was telling your dad , " This swim suit is not the right choice , it appears as if I don't have a hip at all. He said , " Why to blame the dress , instead of accepting the reality 😜? " Sometimes you get enlightened only during such moments 😁 Perhaps , I must do something about it - at least once in my life time I must wear a swim suit and feel good about myself 😍

Anisha , what I said is just to add a bit of humor. Humans come in all sizes , and the shape of our body has to do a lot with our genetic make up. Yes , it is possible to maintain a well toned body , if you could really afford to do so. Healthy body is very important. It is the base with which you can build everything else. Eating healthy , being active and maintaining an ideal weight is important. But it doesn't mean that you must aim for the body shape a model posses. In other words , a thin , curvy body isn't for everyone and doesn't always mean it's healthy. When you are young , you might connect beauty with a perfect face and body. But as you mature , you will realize beauty isn't about what you see outside a person. Actually , when you love someone dearly , outward appearance doesn't matter at all. There are many beautiful things in a human than their physical appearance. Once you learn to appreciate the inner beauty , you no more differentiate people depending on their skin color , height or weight. I wish you get this maturity much earlier , at least , before you select a person with whom you would love to spend your life with :)

Coming back to the point , the photos really helped me to understand that I need some healthy changes to my lifestyle. Hopefully I keep myself motivated.

You enjoyed Brombachsee trip very much. Even though the water is cold , even though you were shivering , you wanted to be in water. I can't wait for you to start learning swimming. I am sure you will enjoy it.

Hearty laugh

This is how it will be :)

Twenty months old

Dear Anisha ,

Time flies. You are so grown up ! Your presence has made me so contented. I couldn't believe that only 20 months before I held you in my hands , only 20 months before I met you - it feels like eternity. You were in my heart long , long before you were conceived . A woman doesn't have to have a baby to become a mother. The moment she decides that she wants a child , she becomes a mother. Only a mother could fight the long battle ( with infertility ) I fought , a woman can't do that . The love I feel for you is so beautiful - it makes me happy , it makes me better , it makes me love myself more. The love you have for me is amazing , too. You forgive and forget my anger and shortcomings in a moment. When I get angry and raise my voice - with tears in eyes , you look deep into my eyes and start saying something  ( it appears as if you were defending , it appears as if you were apologizing ) . I don't really understand what you utter , but I understand the language your eyes and tears speak. It just melts me , then , all I could do is smile , hug and kiss you. I am sorry if I get angry  , I am trying hard not to loose my temper , but at times , that's the only way to slow you down , to bring some sense into your actions. I am a human after all , so please bear with me , Anisha . 

Only a year more , then you will start going to kinder garden. I will definitely miss our togetherness. But I am also excited to see you getting independent. I can't wait to see you make friends , and deal with life in your own way. I can't wait to see your personality getting shaped. I hope we could provide you the best possible environment for that.

Anisha , you are no more a baby. You show every emotion an adult does. Your emotional intelligence makes me very proud.  You are very kind to other children. One of our friend's kid came home and was playing with your toys. I was wondering whether you would take your toy by force ! He is only one year old. I was also trying to be careful - what if you raise your hands was my worry. You behaved so well. You were clapping and encouraging him when he was playing with your toys ; you were crawling along with him playfully and you were slowly touching his head ( as if touching a fragile flower ) to see how it feels :)

Nowadays , you say so many words. I lost count of them. You sing rhymes , not clearly, but you are attempting. You can count from one to ten , yes you can :) When you were very little , you used to cry when your dad closes the door of the toilet and disappears. So , in order to calm you down , I used to counrt from one to ten , when I hear him open the door I say ten and he appears. You feel so happy. Thus you learned to count one to ten. You say six so beautifully 'chhicks' :) You can fix shapes puzzles. You sometimes mix up two words , for example , pumpkin and tomato mixed up is ' Tomkin ' :) You haven't started speaking sentences yet. If you were in India , I am sure you would be speaking sentences by now. You say bye in English , German and French :) Our house owner grandpa has taught you that. You just adore him. Once , when he was with his grandson , and was leaving somewhere , you were very upset. Actually , you were so excited to see him. He had to leave immediately with Ben - the moment he stepped aside , you threw something you had in your hand angrily , your face expression clearly showed that you were hurt , you were not happy. I had to divert your attention. You know what , I am much more hurt on seeing you like that. Your paternal grandpa loves you to bits and pieces. Moments like these makes me wonder whether we must stay in Germany ! I need to write down the pros and cons of settling down in India Vs Germany , and really have to put my heart , brain and soul into it before coming to a conclusion. To be honest , both , I and your dad , are unable to decide. Oh , how I wish you were old enough to say something regarding this.

Whatelse Anisha , hmm.... , whether we move to India or not , we might not be living in this beautiful place for long. Perhaps we need to move to a new city. Nothing is clear as of now. I just wish everything puts us in a better path.

Day after tomorrow , we are going to a beautiful place nearby .  I am sure you are going to enjoy playing in water and sand. It's a beach.

Anisha , stay very happy , healthy and blessed. May you have a very long life. Grow stronger :)

❤ you loads ,
Amma

Should we move to India ?

Anisha , this question is haunting me. There are days I loose my sleep over this. The more I think , more confused I become. I wish someone could guide me through this :(

Amma

Happy girls are the prettiest :)

Don't you agree , Anisha ?

Need to tell you something , yesterday , you had your first bus ride. You were so overjoyed , you didn't want to get down :) You were interacting with the fellow passengers ; you were so happy with the attention you got. I had to stop you when you started imitating an old woman sitting next to us. When a little child was crying , you said ' bibi ' ( baby :).  And , when I sang , ' baby on the bus goes ' , you were wiping your eyes and said ' wah , wah , wah ' Children get happy from smallest pleasures , and you know what , I get happy and excited for many small things , too. So , for many , I appear crazy :) Doesn't matter , I love the way I live my life.  Never let anything consume your ability to find joy in small things , actually , real happiness lies only in small things that happen everyday.

❤
Amma

Our little Krishna

I feel so happy to decorate you like Lord Krishna. For me , Lord Krishna is a mythical character and nothing more. Children look beautiful when decorated so. Before having you , whenever I see pictures of children with such cute costumes , I craved to have the opportunity sometime , and I don't even know whether I will get a chance to do so. Now , you are here and I decorate you to my heart's content. You looked amazing Anisha. One of my friend commented , " I see many children , all of them are cute. But there is something divine about Anisha's looks ". I thought since I am your mom , I feel so. It's nice to know people love you :)

Ben

Anisha , as I sit and type this , you are so excited and happy. Ben , who is our neighbor , is at our home. He is 4 years old and his grandpa is doing some work near our home. So he came and was watching a German cartoon. He is a very shy boy , so he doesn't come here - this is the first time he is here. Your joy knows no bounds - I haven't seen you so excited. You took all your books and were telling him what I tell you ! I am so surprised because I never knew you listened to me so much and learned too. Suddenly you went and touched his chin , I had to rush and remove you. You want to sit beside him , you were touching his hands to see how it feels and watching him so keenly. You were dancing for the rhymes 😘 I see myself in you 😂 When I was young , when relatives come to our home , I used to hide their bags when they are about to leave. I wanted them to stay longer - I loved people , I loved their company. Your dad says you take over me in many characters , including anger. All though it feels good to know you are like me in many ways , I am also worried that you will hurt yourself many a time if you are so.  If you are like your dad - very balanced emotionally , you will lead a much peaceful , happier life. I don't regret the way I am - I have experienced so many different emotions and it has helped me grow - doesn't matter in a good or bad way - I experience and enjoy life. I don't hide my emotions - that's what has helped to be expressive , to be imaginative and to write. I guess so.

I just want to register this event of today , so just wrote this as you both were busy eating apples. One day when you read this , you wouldn't remember all this - but will experience today through my words.

Love ,
Amma

If you are happy and you know it :)

https://youtu.be/ub_UYMf_Pp0

I can't wear my sandals

Your grit and determination surprises me. When you don't succeed in doing something after enormous effort , you get angry and frustrated - and that scares me ! You are trying to wear sandals yourself for a long time now. Unfortunately , still you are in the process of learning and you need help to put on your footwear. Hopefully you succeed soon :)

Few more things about you

I wish I could write to you everyday. But , I become very lazy ;  sometimes , I brood on unnecessary thoughts and hence writing becomes a pain ; or at times , I just sleep when you sleep. Yesterday , we both slept 4 h in the afternoon. When someone is sleeping deeply nearby , we tend to sleep very happily and peacefully , too. I slept and made you sleep ; you slept and made me sleep , we slept 4 happy hours. When I woke up I felt I am in some other world . I had dreams - dreams , which felt too good ; dreams , which are like lullabies ; dreams , where you see people whom you can't see in reality - so , when I woke up it took a while to recollect myself. Thankfully , you were in a good mood and was smiling , talking and playing immediately after waking up. Seeing you happy always makes me happy and contended , always !

You are going to be 19 months old. You have grown up so much , so soon ! I remember the first day where you were lying on my chest after delivery. How time flies !

OK , let me continue :

Fear

You fear loud sounds. Occasionally , when a helicopter flies over our home , you will come running to me. Your eyes will be much smaller , your mouth a little open , I could clearly see the tension in your face. You will be saying , " amma , ammov " , when I see that cute expression , invariably a smile comes to my lips. I hold you tight for sometime until the noise subsides. Other than the fear for loud noise , I haven't seen any fear in you. Once , in a birthday party , many children were playing outside. One of our friend took a small stick and tried to scare the children by pretending to beat them. He was asking everyone to get inside the function hall. Everyone ran inside , it seems. I was not there. The only little one who stood there arguing with him is you. You were moving your hands and saying something in a language only you understood. Someone commented , " whose child are you trying to scare , don't you know that's Manju's daughter ". Everyone broke into laughter , and your dad was narrating this incident to me later. Yes , whose daughter are you :) 

Food

You eat well. I try to give you as much variety as I can. I spend much of my day preparing food for you. I will always have two or three options -  so that if you refuse to eat something , I could offer you something else. Your paternal grandma says , if I continue to breastfeed you , you wouldn't eat anything else. That unnecessary , irritating assumption had made me a little paranoid. So I make sure you eat well. You love fruits , you love sausages , you love fish , you love corn , you love chicken , you love dosa - you eat almost everything.

Talking

You now repeat many words we tell you. You now sing rhymes. You repeat particular words in the rhymes. You have now started to link two words together like " amma come " , " bye appa " , and so on. You understand the commands both in Tamil and Telugu. Once in the supermarket you said ' Tschüss ' instead of ' bye '. I was so surprised by the way you interchangeably used a German word for an English word - you must have observed that everyone are using ' Tschüss ' , so you said ' bye ' in German ! I was so happy and amazed that you understood a foreign word usage and the context in which it is used , perfectly ! Oh , my very intelligent darling daughter 😘 You now hear English , Tamil , Telugu and German. You watch Malayalam cartoons too. You were actually repeating the cartoon character's one word dialogues before they say. You say words in Tamil , Telugu , English and Malayalam :) Yesterday , I showed you the pumpkin growing in the plant - the pumpkin plant has started to fruit recently , and the tender fruit looked round and beautiful. I made you touch the pumpkin and told you that's pumpkin. When your dad came , you both went to the garden. You took him to pumpkin plant , touched the pumpkin and said ' pumpin , pumpin '.  Your dad was overjoyed ,  he came and told me that you said so. I wish I am intelligent enough to teach you ,  Anisha. Sometimes I wonder how will I be able to meet your thirst for learning new things - am I really doing enough ?!

Anisha , I feel sleepy , too. You are sleeping happily. Let me also sleep. Will continue tomorrow , for sure :)

❤
Amma

A fun weekend

We had a great weekend - our friends were here. We went to a fun park. You loved every moment of it. There was  circus - you were enjoying every bit of what they did by clapping and screaming. The next day we went to the vine yard in Randersacker , it was fun too. Raj mamaya had a great camera , we captured some beautiful moments.

Mom - Daughter :)

A picture is worth a 1000 words !

Look at our little princess :)

Keep smiling ..... always !

Amma

Friendship Etiquette

Just a thought , Anisha ! I am so fed up of people :(

When we meet , ask me how I am , how my family is - and not about the non - living things in my life ! In the same way , I do not care whether you own a palace , a costly car or a hefty bank balance. You , boasting about all this will not change the way I treat you , will not change the way I look at you . I am least bothered about your wealth and other assets.

If you are kind to me and treat me well , I will too. Even if you are not , I will be kind. That doesn't mean I am stupid - that just means I am mature enough to not stoop from my level.

Talk to me about your passion , your dreams , your aspirations , about the movie you watched last , about the place you travelled , what you learnt in life - there are so many interesting things to talk ! Timely jokes and sarcasms are most welcome ! Please do not talk to me about people and their personal life ! That really turns me off !

I will appreciate and admire you for your professional success. I will be happy to share your joy. But that doesn't mean I have to hear it repeatedly until my ear starts to bleed. I understand your need to prove your superiority. But unfortunately , that doesn't make me feel closer to you. I get bored and irritated easily by such ruthless display of superiority.

Please do not bring jealousy into our relationship ! I , being friendly to people other than you doesn't need your approval. My friends circle might include people whom you are not fond off . That doesn't mean I shouldn't move with them. Even if I move with them that doesn't mean we are talking about you in your absence , so do not get paranoid. Please have friends and allow me to have my own circle too ! We are not in a romantic relationship , after all :P

If you talk about your other friends badly to me that's a big , big red flag for me ! I will be very careful with you.

I do not help you ,  thinking ,  you will help me some other time. I do whatever I do wholeheartedly and with love. But , when I need help , I look up to you - not because I helped you , but because you are my friend ! If you find it difficult to have that minimum courtesy , you can never be my friend.

Do not make friendship a business. You do not have to reciprocate everything in the exact way I do , or stop doing something because I haven't done so. If it happens , when I look at you , I see a business man rather than a friend.

Just because we are friends , we do not have to imitate each other. We are two different personalities , our interests are different. Let us be ourselves ,  yet , happy together.

Do not use me , I am not a thing !

Friendship is a beautiful thing. It must help us grow , must support us during our weak moments and cheer us during our happy times. I don't want someone who disappears or distances themselves during my difficult times ; I don't want someone who gets jealous at the wink of an eye when I share my happiness ; and I do not want someone who constantly competes with me and tries to prove his/her superiority ! If you compete with me , compare yourself with me , I will distance myself from you , as I find it extremely uncomfortable.

I wish I could have a friend with whom I could be as comfortable as I am with myself. But as I get older , I realize , people are extremely insecure , judgemental and biased. It is very hard to make friends ( although I do have a few good ones ! ) How I wish I had a friend like me ! :)

I did have a friend like me , but ..... but....

❤
Amma

Aren't you cute ?

Suddenly this picture appeared in my FB feed today , someone liked it. Anisha , how much you have grown ! I showed you this picture and you immediately kissed it :) Love you , Nana !

❤
Amma

My heart melts seeing this picture 😘

I am grateful for ...

YOU
Your dad
Our good health
All the love I receive
Having a shelter above our head
The food we eat
The financial stability
The beautiful place we live
Another brand new day to spend with you - because we never know when we have to leave

Life is too short to live with regrets
Yet , my heart aches at times
I must remember to be grateful for what I have
And , let go of what is not mine
Many don't have what I have -
I am so grateful for everything I have

Really Anisha , I am so very grateful for everything I have

Amma

A cactus flower

Isn't it beautiful Anisha ?

When I melt

Anisha , you gave me a hug and a kiss - isn't anything sweeter than this in the entire world ?

See those flowers , aren't they beautiful ? Previous year , the same time , we took a picture with these flowers. I was kissing you and you were smiling. And this year , you kissed me - yes , nowadays you know how to express your love with a hug and kiss. But , you do so only rarely. When I ask for a kiss , most of the time , you tilt your head to the right a little and shake it side to side , meaning , no - you look so cute when you shake your head so :)

Don't you see my face and heart melt in this picture ?

Amma

Don't we look alike ? :)

We do , right ?

❤
Amma

Wide awake !

Anisha , after so long , I am wide awake in the early morning. You are sleeping peacefully beside me. It's only 3:30 AM. How I wish I could sleep ! How I wish I don't brood on thoughts which troubles me ! How I wish I could forget the pain ! It hurts , and I know what triggered it. Perhaps I should avoid the trigger all together. I just need to sleep. My mind keeps on searching for that one word , or one moment , which assures it's not all delusion - but all I find is , how deluded , hopeless and troublesome I was. Anisha , it hurts. People use tools , how stupid I was to believe otherwise !

Amma

You are 17 months old !

Anisha , haven't written to you for long. I need to write so many things so that nothing gets missed out. I realize how much I forget quickly - so , it's very important I write down everything. Someday , we both might read all this together and enjoy these beautiful memories. I have also noticed that many old age people find happiness only in the memories they have saved. Your grandma , nowadays , talks a lot about our good , old times. I think , after some age , only our memories will be our good companion. But , even memories fade and get lost. I hope this blog remains forever , and you get much happiness reading this.

1. Height

You are tall - very tall ! I wish you grow to be much taller than me. At 17 months , you stand tall at 86 cms ! You are sometimes taller than children who are 4 or 5 months elder than you. I always wanted my child to be tall. I and your dad , have an average height. Your paternal grandma is very short. I was little worried whether you will end up short , too. Both your grandfathers are tall , almost 6 feet. Hopefully , you have inherited the genes which make you tall , and hope you reach a height which looks good on you :)

2. You are sweet

That's what I hear from everyone - from friends , from strangers , from everyone. You have a killer cuteness. Your smile is priceless. Whenever I take you out , people look at you and exclaim , " how sweet ! " I am of course a proud mom. One man on the road saw you with a chocolate in hand , he commented , " a sweet is eating sweet :) " Yesterday , one person in Edeka commented , " Black eyes , black hair - oh , how sweet she is !" He kept on looking at you and talking to you. You understood that he is admiring you , your expression was priceless - you were shy , proud and gave him a half - smile :) I never thought I looked beautiful , anytime. But seeing you , I know that I am not bad , after all. What proof do I need more  ! :)

3. Mischievous

Our home keys are hidden inside shoes ; new pair of sandals rest in dustbin ; tea bags are thrown inside grinder when I was grinding for idli - Anisha does all this , and much more ! Not even a moment I can turn my eyes from you. When I say ' No ' , your eyes lights up , a naughty smile creeps on your lips , and you want to do what is prohibited ! You are curious , curious about everything. You need to touch things , feel it with your hands and also with your mouth. I have learned not to curtail your inquisitiveness. If I do so , I stop you from learning. I make sure your actions don't harm you seriously , I allow you to do what you want , most of the time - as a result , our home is a big mess , at times , but , isn't it wiser to clean the mess rather than trying to restrict your curiosity. I want my child to experiment , experience and learn :) 

4. Breastmilk

You show no signs of weaning. I show no sign of giving up. We make a great combo :) Until now , you haven't drunk a cup of cow's milk or formula. Once I tried giving you cow's milk , you took the first sip , it was OK. You took the second sip and gagged. After that you never looked at the cup again - need not to say that I am very happy. You got a cold recently , after several months , and it lasted only for a day - the power of breastmilk and that's why I want you to be on breastmilk as long as possible. Breastmilk makes life easier for you , and easier for me. You have learned to cajole me for breastmilk when I refuse to feed you . You hold my chin with your tiny hands and look straight at into eyes ( your dad has taught you so :) Will I be able to say no after that ? :)

5. Anger

You get angry so soon. You are adamant. You throw whatever you have in your hand , when angry. You do hit us when we forcefully remove you from what you are doing. That's your way of saying ' No '.  Hopefully , when you start to communicate using words , this aggressiveness goes away. But even this lasts only for few seconds , the next moment you will be with your most adorable smile. You are a very happy child Anisha - stay so always !

6. Send to day care , she will learn to socialize !

People who said so have shut their mouth tight :) We met everyone in Giessen during a birthday party. Guess , who is very friendly , smiling and greeting people - it's you ! Guess , which children are panic stricken when they see strangers , not smiling at others , and looked so lost - the ones who go to day care. I can't be proud enough. Women who advised me before about sending you to day care never started that topic again. You are breastfed , you are 24*7 with me , I care for you every second , the end result is , you feel much loved , safe and happy :) How can a child who experience so much love and care not socialize ? You say hi to everyone with a smile in your lips. You love others attention. You want to interact with others :)

Lots more to say Ani kutty , let me continue some other time. You know what , using my smart phone to write blogs has give me text neck :( It's horribly painful at times.

Love ,

Amma

Weaning

Do not wean me too quickly ,
Please go easy on me ;
I am still too fragile ,
To handle sudden withdrawal ;
I love our time together ,
I love all the cuddles and laughter ,
I love the warmth of your nearness ,
I love your milky smell ,
I melt at the sight of your smile ,
Each feeding session brings me so much joy ,
Which my heart enjoys ,
It calms me down , eases my pain ,
It's my greatest solace ;
Do not wean me abruptly - it will hurt ,
I will be full of tears and fears ,
Do not wean me too quickly , Anisha
I need you at my breasts !

Amma

Your smile !

When you were 14 months old I took this picture. Keep smiling , little one. Love you so much !

Playing Football

The gentleman in this video is our house owner. He finds it difficult to kick the ball as much as you. It is because he suffered a stroke few years back and hence finds it challenging to perform normal day-to-day activities. He can't walk fast , lift heavy things and so on. Yet , he keeps himself busy by working in the garden. He has recently built a small store - house in the garden - he was an engineer. You see him as your playmate. As soon as you see him , your eyes light up. You search for the ball. It's nice to meet different people , and everyone has a story to tell - mostly , a story which could inspire us !

Your first hug !

Dear Anisha ,

On May 5 th , we went to our friend's place. That day evening we took you to a children's park , situated nearby. I saw a playground slide there. I was wondering whether you would love to slide. " Aren't you too young for it ? " was the question in my mind. At that moment , I saw a chubby little man , he is almost your height , might be a cm or two more. He climbed the slide and was enjoying his ride in it. On seeing it , I got the courage to take you there. I helped you climb up. On the top , where children were waiting for their turn , we waited , too. The little man was so attractive , I was looking at him ; I was curious to know his age as he was using the slide alone. His mom was standing there , and I asked for his age. She replied that he will be two in July. Suddenly , the handsome little man turned towards you , took few steps in the front , extended both his arms and embraced you. That was a very warm hug. I was astonished to see his gesture. Unfortunately , I couldn't observe your expression. It all happened in a fraction of a second. I was facing your back. He was smiling so warmly and descended down the slide.

I always thought a hug is a very beautiful way of telling ' you care '. In India , even handshakes are rare , especially in the place where I grew up. And , any kind of friendly gesture which involves body contact between opposite sex is not entertained , or I should say , it is prohibited. I always thought that it's normal because I grew up in such a society. But after coming to Germany , I did receive hugs more often , especially from my Muslim female friends. In the beginning , when they gave a hug , I felt so stupid because I didn't know how to accept it gracefully and return it back. At those times , a hug only created a moment of discomfort and awkwardness for me as I was not used to it. Slowly ( the more I received ) , my ability to receive and give hugs got better. And , I started enjoying the warmth and comfort it gave. A warm hug can provide the comfort what many words can't give. After realizing this , I got more comfortable with the concept of hugging. 

There is a female gynecologist in Giessen. She was the one who did all my ultrasounds with twins. She knew all my troubles to conceive and was overjoyed about my pregnancy. Sadly , the day I lost my twins , at 20W , she was on duty that fateful night. She delivered my twins. I , at the peak of my grief , spoke many things - I needed comfort. She patiently listened to me. And , when I conceived you , I went to see her. She was so happy , and she was pregnant with her first baby at that time. She asked me , " Manju , can I give you a hug ? " That's the most unforgettable hug in my life - a hug filled with love , care and happiness.

The other person whose hug I will always remember is that of Sascha. He is my colleague when doing PhD - he talks non - stop. He loved talking about his step -
sister and brother , and I was always amazed by the amount of affection he carried for them. After completing my PhD , whenever I see him , he used to step forward , give a broad smile and a warm hug. It makes it very easier to talk to him after that - I have never felt awkward about starting a conversation even after not being in touch with him for years.  I think , only by his gesture , I got comfortable with a man's hug :) I don't know how much you will understand me if you grow up in Germany , but for a woman like me who spent majority of her life in a very conservative society - in a society where any type of gesture which involves body contact between a man and woman is viewed as unacceptable , it's a great step forward :)

Giving a beautiful , soulful hug is an art - it can give immense comfort and melt a receivers heart. It gives the same happiness to the giver , too. It makes the conversation which follows much easier , much honest.

I am sure I have helped my friends feel better and comfortable with a hug when they needed one the most. And , there are people I wish I could give a hug , but couldn't :) I wish , you too would enjoy the joy of such simple , beautiful human gestures - and most importantly I wish you could grow up not having a tainted picture of all male and female physical contacts.

Love ,
Amma

Are you leaving Anisha behind ?

This question made me angry , very angry. I was asked this question many a time when we were in India , by many people in your dad's native. People wanted to know whether we were leaving you with your grandparents. "Why should I ? " , I wondered !

One day , when you were around 6 months old , your paternal grandma asked me over phone , " Manju , leave Anisha with me , I will take care of her ". This suggestion came ,  after I told one of our relative over phone that , " hereafter we will be having only one salary and there won't be much savings ( just casually , as she was enquiring about it ) ". Your grandma was there at that time hearing the conversation. The next day ,  she asked whether she could take care of you. I got irritated , but tried to hide it and said that I would never do so, and moreover ,  it is not easy to take care of a young child at their age. The conversation ended there. But , it left a huge insecure feeling within me. How dare she ask me like that ! Believe me , until now I see her as a threat. I know it is totally stupid on my part , my brain knows it , but my heart fails to accept it !

Soon , I came to realize that in Andhra it is a common happening. Women get married , give birth , and leave their child with their mother or mother-in-law , and get back to work. Easy , right ? Yes , they make it sound so easy ( I also wonder how many women are forced to do so ! ) Their point is , " We elders have no work , life is boring , and taking care of the grandchild makes life interesting " ( Didn't you get your chance of bringing up your children ? ) I guess , it gives a sense of purpose to them. There is also a hidden meaning , " Why to lose the additional salary , isn't money important ? "  Money rules !

I have now come across couples who leave their kid with their parents. I am desperate want to ask them  how they are able to do so. I wonder , what they think about parenting ! Do they think giving birth makes them a parent ? Or , are they so mature enough to give the most beautiful parenting experience to others ? ( Will they be able to get it back ? ) Is money so important ? Or , is their career so important ?  I tell myself that every individual's situation is different , their priorities in life are different , and I should not get judgemental. But even then , what the hell is wrong with them !

Anisha , we struggled hard to have you in our life. But even if our baby-making journey would have been easy-peasy , even if we were blessed with umpteen children ,  we wouldn't have left our children with anyone. You might ask , " Amma , isn't money important ? " It is ! Financial stability is the base on which we could build a beautiful life. There was a psychologist called Maslow , he proposed a theory which is called Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It says ,  only when our basic needs are met , we can move to the stage of self-actualization ( achievement of one's own full potential through creativity and independence) . The best things in life like love, friendships, and creativity come free, but to reach that stage of getting those things for free, one needs to become self-sufficient in their basic needs and safety. I think , we are in a stage where our basic needs like food , shelter and safety can be met easily with your dad's salary ,  and we do have some savings to meet our emergency needs. I and your dad , have never given much importance to money anytime ( we never allowed money to rule us ! ) . Money is not important more than you , your comfort and emotional safety.

Motherhood is not about giving birth - it is only a tiny part of it. Motherhood is a journey and I wouldn't want to miss any part of it , especially , not the one where you need me the most. One of my friend commented , " my child didn't get what Anisha gets ". That kept me thinking. The only reply I had but didn't say was ,  " I made a conscious decision to be with Anisha ; the time I spend with Anisha didn't happen to me by chance , I decided to make her my preference more than anything else ".

Will I regret my decision later ? Isn't my profession important ? I don't think I will ever regret taking a break from my professional life. I didn't do so for you , or for anyone's comfort. I did so for myself - solely for my comfort , peace of mind and happiness. I didn't sacrifice anything for your sake. So , little one , if I tell you anytime that I sacrificed my professional life to take care of you , never believe it :) Anisha , I also have much confidence in myself. If I ever work again , I don't want to work under anyone , I don't want to use my talent to give life to others' ideas. I wish I could work on my own ideas ; I wish I could do something which gives me immense satisfaction ; I wish I could do something which challenges my knowledge and keeps life interesting.  I wish I could do something which will inspire you to follow my path :)

I sometimes wonder what women are losing by believing they are capable of wearing multiple hats ! Women can wear multiple hats , but they never get to enjoy the beauty and satisfaction of wearing one hat at a time. There is a time for everything in life. Nothing is more important than spending time with one's own child for the first few years of their life. It is very important for a mother as much as it is for a child.  I am immensely thankful and grateful that I can do so.

No women should be compelled to take up their career when all they want to do is to be with her child for the first few years of   life. If a woman is forced to sacrifice their motherhood experience for the sake of money , that's the cruellest thing someone could do to a mother. A baby is supposed to be with its mother - not with its grandparents or in child care.

This topic is bothering me for a while , so decided to put it in words.

Love ,
Amma

A happy moment

Don't I look happy ? We went to a wild life park on May 6 th. The sun is shining bright and the nature is at its best there. I love being with you and that makes me so happy and beautiful :)

Amma

It has been two years since your life started !

Dear Ani kutty ,

Amma hasn't written to you for so long , sorry ! I have lots to say - especially , how naughty you have become :)

On 2014 , May 3 rd , embryologist Dr. Sai , selected one of my egg and one of your dad's sperm and brought it together using ICSI and left the combined cells in a petri dish. That's how two cells which  wouldn't have become Anisha when left by themselves , became Anisha when brought together. The magic of life ! You are our little miracle - we can't imagine how our life would have been without you. We are immensely thankful to everyone who made you happen.

Anisha , unfortunately ,  today , Nihal , a boy who suffered from a rare genetic disorder called Progeria , left this world. He is only 15 years old , I guess . But he looked like a very old man - a child trapped in a old man's body. I came to know about him via FB. I thought , the boy's family is from AP ,  something made me to give a phone call - to ask if I could be of some help. I learned that they live in Mumbai , but are originally from AP. His father spoke Telugu. I have talked to Nihal only once , saw his pictures many a time. Such a cheerful person he is  in spite of the pain and troubles he went through by getting trapped in a body which his childish soul actually doesn't belong. Children with Progeria will not live long and die early because of complications akin to old age. Today , it's his turn , he left this world.  I wanted to meet him once , but it didn't happen. I hope he rests in peace. At least his sufferings ended , and hopefully his life's purpose is fulfilled - to raise awareness about Progeria and to inspire others ! When I see children suffer , it just breaks my heart - and I respect and admire the strength their families show.

I don't have much time now. Will write to you very soon.

Love ,
Amma

Walking

Walking with confidence and style :) You enjoy your new feat thoroughly !

Speaking

Need a translator , Ani kutty :)

Dancing

Who wouldn't love to dance ? You love to , too :) In the second video , you are dancing for head , shoulders , knees and toes :) You try to keep the music going by pressing that little keyboard of yours.

Amma

Reading

https://youtu.be/2cMLJ_SQlEc

Anisha , at 14 months , you read your first word book several times a day. You spell the words much better than me ;)

A walk in the sun

Dear Anisha ,

Today , the sun is shining bright. You wanted to go out and roam in the garden. Nowadays , you love spending time outdoors. So , we went out. Although it's bright , it is still cold. So I dressed you in appropriate clothes. You roamed for sometime in the garden. Then you wanted to go outside the fence. I was little hesitant , yet I took you. I didn't want to stand in the way of your curiosity , I didn't want to disappoint you. You explored the neighborhood. You were watching all the leaves , flowers, and some strange fruits , on the way. Whenever you got a chance , you felt them with your hands. You were walking , walking and walking ,  non-stop - I became tired ! When the footpath was not so easy to walk , when there were dangerous ups and downs , you preferred to hold my hands. Otherwise , you didn't want to hold me , I was not allowed to hold you , too. If I held you against your wish , you showed your disapproval with a grunt , you pushed away my hands. I was so proud of you , Anisha. I loved the way you wanted to be independent. I was walking behind you , trying to safe guard you from anything which might hurt you , and I loved my job. I was so happy that I was walking with my daughter , I have dreamed of such a happening many a time before - you and I taking a stroll , enjoying nature , I ,  teaching you about the plants and animals we encounter - just like my dad did for me ! I can't wait for the spring to start , I can't wait for the summer. I have promised you that I will take you out every single day when the weather is just right - to explore Randersacker , to enjoy nature , to show you many new things which you have never seen before.  I feel so grateful , thankful , for your presence. Love you kuttima !

And after 40 minutes , when I took you home , you threw a big tantrum. You cried hard insisting that you must go out. I need to forcefully take you in :) 

The below picture is not taken today , but very recently , when you were busy exploring outdoors.

Manju

Ninth wedding anniversary

Anisha , I am married to your dad for 9 years , we are together for 12 years. What should I say - I am blessed to be with a life partner who is so kind , compassionate , understanding and forgiving. He allows me to be a human being rather than expecting me to be a flawless , obedient , meek and self - sacrificing woman.

When we were newly married , he held my dad's hand and said , " Do not worry , I will take care of Manju well ". My dad smiled and said , " Rajender , my worry is not about that. I am wondering whether she will take care of you well ". Who can understand me better than my dad ! Your dad has kept his word until now.

When I was pregnant with twins , he took care of me more than my mom would. I remember the idlis he used to prepare for me - they were made with so much love for three people whom he loves so much. The day we lost our children , I saw his pain. I was more worried and heart - broken on seeing your dad's pain than the loss of my children. When you were born , and when we were waiting for the photo shoot on the second day of your birth , in a hospital room , he said , " Manju , that night after the birth of our children they took you to operation theater for D&C , I was waiting in this room . I saw all the little one's picture in this room. I couldn't stop crying , there was no one with me ". Even when I think of that situation now , a chill runs in my spine. Anisha , you are your dad's gift - might be God or whosoever saw his pain on that day and gave you to him :)

Until now , all the people who know me , or even people who don't know me very personally has told me that I am very gifted to have such a life partner - and  I can't deny it.  My dad told me , " Manju , I saw his picture sent by you and I knew immediately you were in safe hands ".

I am thankful that I have your dad in my life. He might be able to lead life without me , but without him my life would be nothing. I am so dependent on him for everything - he has pampered me so much like a mother !

Anisha , you love me because you need me. In your case , the need will slowly turn into love as you grow , as you mature , hopefully ! But  , I need you because I love you. I care for you because I love you. The more you care for a person , the more you got to love them. 

Sometimes I wonder whether I love your dad or need him. As we grow together , the distinction between love and need becomes smaller and smaller. Perhaps , I love him because I need him , and I need him because I love him.

After fighting infertility together , our bond has become much more stronger. There are people who tell me , " That's great that you people stayed together after all that you both went through !" Only my reproductive system is defective , not his ! Not even a day he has made me feel I am the defective person. I never ever had a fear that he would leave me for that. When I started to love him , I intuitively knew he was the guy whom I could feel safe and secure. My intuition has never failed me , until now.

I wish I could stay under his love and warmth always - until my last breath ! Because it is the only safest place on earth for me. Yes , I am very selfish of course :)

The joy of breastfeeding you !

Dear Anisha ,

Even from a very tender age I thought breastfeeding is amazing. We had lots of cats at home. At least twice a year there will be new born kittens. It was such a beautiful sight to see the teeny-tiny little ones and their mom. They occupy a cosy corner of our home where there will be minimal disturbance. The little ones cling to their mom all the time , they will be suckling most time of the day. I used to watch them with joy and surprise. When I touch the mother cat , I could feel a vibrating sound , as if a small motor is running inside her. It is called ' purring ' and obviously it's a sign of happiness - the happinesss a new born mom has ; the happiness of suckling the young ones. The young ones vie with one another to get hold of their mom's nipple . Since their eyes will remain shut for the next couple of weeks , they use their sense of smell to get near their mom's breast . Once they do , they suck and suck and suck until they fall asleep. It was such a cute sight to see. I used to bring my finger close to the little kittens mouth which is tightly wrapped around their mom's nipple. I could feel the suckling - the rhythmic motion of their tiny mouth. What a joy it was to feel it ! I always thought - when I have my little ones , I will breastfeed them.

When you were born , I was eagerly waiting to breastfeed you. I will always cherish the memory of my first breastfeeding moments - it felt too good , I felt great.  When you were still in my tummy , the doctors asked me , " Are you planning to breastfeed ? " For me that question appeared too stupid ! After all , I have been waiting for it too long.

To be honest , I was too naive about breastfeeding. I thought breastfeeding will be easy , as easy as pie. The first day it was OK. The next day I started to get pain in my nipples. But the joy I felt when feeding you made me ignore it. The third day I saw a crack in my nipples. From then on , breastfeeding became painful. A joyful experience became scary. I was taking 4-5 ibuprofen a day to cope with the pain. The thought that I have to feed you in the next couple of hours made me fearful. My breasts felt as if they were on fire - I could feel lots of pricking sensation , I felt ill. I have cried as you put your tiny lips on my nipples. I would scream within me - " this is not what I expected , it hurts ". I used to ask Anju , your aunt ,  all the time , " How long should I breastfeed , how long is good enough ? , When will my cracked nipples heal , when will this pain go away ? " She would say , " Six months is optimum and until six months it does hurt. " Anisha , I was waiting for that six months to be over soon. I said to myself , " I can't do this more than that , NEVER ! " Although , after three months my nipples became better , until six months it was hurting on and off.

Six months came and went. I was still feeding you. My breasts started feeling normal. Breastfeeding became completely pain free. I started to enjoy the moments you cling to my breasts. I started to enjoy the sensation of milk flowing. I then , never thought of stopping breastfeeding . Now , you are 13 months old and I still breastfeed you. I love feeding you. I love the way your face calms down and you fall into a state of ecstasy when you take my nipples. I love the way you smile with my nipples in your mouth when I play with you. I love the feel of your warm palm resting on my hips when you are drinking milk. I love the way my mind relaxes when you cling to my breasts. You insist that we keep eye contact when feeding - you have now umpteen times pushed my smartphone away from my hand and I love it ! And recently , you have changed the way you demand milk. Before you used to cry , I know from the way you cry that you need a feed. But nowadays you use sign language. You tap my breast with your tiny hands. I love the way your tiny hands go thud , thud and thud against my breasts. You have always demanded milk , you have never asked for it !

I am happy that I never gave up breastfeeding. It has so many advantages , Anisha. The first and foremost is the protection you get from infections. I have now heard from many moms who couldn't breastfeed say about their first India visit experience. Their children suffered from frequent bouts of diarrhea , rashes , fever and what not ! Everyone's statement is ,  " We were most of the time in hospital , it was a nerve wracking experience". When I heard this , I was scared. But , you were perfectly fine - you didn't need doctor or medicines. You were perfectly healthy and enjoyed your time in India. I have personally experienced how protective is breastfeeding for children. Remember , when you have your children , never hesitate to breastfeed , never ! You will not regret your decision anytime.

Other than the enormous protection breastfeeding gives you , it makes my life so much easier. I don't have to carry milk powder and bottles everywhere. There is no hassle of washing the bottles and sterilizing them. Your milk is always ready in the most sterile container ! I can soothe you pretty quickly - all you need is a feed and you get pacified immediately. You fall asleep in no time. You sleep well - al least 12 -14 h a day. That gives me enough time relax. In the night , when you wake up , you get your feed and go back to sleep immediately.  And most importantly , you have developed a strong bonding with me. You need no one other than me ,  or in other words , if I am with you , that's enough for you to be happy and to feel safe. The   love and bonding we have developed with each other as a result of breastfeeding is so soul warming. I am forever thankful that I could breastfeed you.

In the beginning , after you were born , everyone's question was , " Do you have enough milk ? " When I have to face this question repeatedly , and even from people who are not so close , it bothered me very much. But now , I face a different kind of question regarding breastfeeding - " When are you going to wean Anisha ?" I really , really want to say , " It's none of your business ! " But , when it comes from near and dear , I have to keep my cool. So , I tell them that I am going to feed you as long as I have milk supply , and as long as you wish. I have received so many different replies for answering so - " If you don't wean her now , it is going to be very difficult. She will give you a very hard time ", " She will soon open her mouth and ask for milk , that will be awkward !" , " Soon she will stand and drink milk ( sarcastically ! )  " , " I have seen a toddler open his mom's blouse and drink milk , that's gross ". I wonder within myself , what the hell is wrong with these people. Even if they mean well , it is none of their business ! It is absolutely not decent on their part to tell me when to stop breastfeeding.

I was shocked to know that people consider breastfeeding a toddler awkward and gross ! It just shows their inability to view breasts as a body part which is intended to feed human babies. In their mind , breasts are connected to sex. Sexualization of breasts is their problem and not mine ! Anisha , I have breastfed you in public , many a time. Until now , I have no bitter experience. I haven't noticed anyone staring at my breasts - thankfully ! And even if someone stares , it's not my problem but theirs. I haven't felt ashamed to feed you anywhere - why should I ?

My mother - in - law , your grandma , had brought this topic many a time now. Once some of our relatives were there and she was like , " If you continue to breastfeed , it will be difficult to stop ". And this is the same lady who was proud to say that she breastfed your dad for five years ! I became furious.  I replied mockingly , " You have breastfed your son for five years , why shouldn't I breastfeed Anisha for at least half of that time period ." She didn't expect it. She hasn't started the topic again , at least not with me !

Your dad is the only person who is very supportive of me. He would say , breastfeed her as long as she desires , it's very important :)

Anisha , there are numerous scientific reports which are in favor of extended breastfeeding. WHO suggests that breastfeeding should be continued at least 2 years. I am experiencing the positive effects of breastfeeding very clearly. I wish I could continue to feed you as long as you and I are comfortable. I forgot to mention this : Breastfeeding is also helping me to manage my weight much efficiently. I am much thinner now when compared to my pre-pregnancy self. My fat deposits have started to come off  much quickly now - when I continued to breastfeed past one year - that's no wonder because my milk now contains more than 50% fat. That's the optimal composition for your healthy brain development. Anisha , you are taller , smarter , brighter , healthier , than most children of your age who were not breastfed or breastfed only for a shorter duration - I couldn't believe how obvious the difference is !

More than anything else , the time we spend together cuddling is heavenly. The bonding and love we experience is helping each other grow beautifully - physically as well as emotionally ! Why to end this enjoyable relationship because of some unreasonable people who don't understand the importance and beauty of it  ? 

Doesn't the picture below show clearly that you were in seventh heaven ?

Love ,

Amma

Peek - A - boo

Look at your smile ! It melts my heart. It brings so much happiness to our world. If there is one thing I could ask for , I will ask that this smile should never fade anytime. Keep smiling always ! Love you.

No women , please !

Anisha , you don't like women. You don't feel comfortable in their company. You don't want to go to any women - you don't even tolerate eye contact with them *sigh*. Of course , the only exception to this ' no women rule '  is , me.

You clearly demarcate between men and women - even from 7 months onwards. That's the time I saw that you prefer men over women. In the beginning , we thought that , long hair of women scares you. But that was not the case , you didn't want go to women with short hair too. I have no idea how you clearly distinguish men from women -  irrespective of their hair , dressing etc. 

During our India visit ,  in my native place  and in your dad's , people soon became aware that you prefer only men. The news that you don't go to women spread quickly. As a result , women who come to visit you were too eager to test their luck. They tried their level best to befriend you. That made you angry and frustrated. No woman succeeded in winning  your friendship. The moment they came near you stretching their hands ,  your face expression changed invariably - it clearly showed that you were not happy.

On the other hand , when a man approaches you , you were friendly - but not always ! You don't want to go to teenage boys. You prefer middle - aged men and old men. The more manlier they are  , better will be your smile and response. If someone has a big mustache , you will be so kind and friendly to them , you don't want to come back to me *sigh* ! Once a man with a big mustache came to visit us. You were sitting on his lap and eagerly watching his face. Someone was trying to initiate a conversation with him ,  and so he turned his face to talk to that person. You forcefully turned his face with your tiny hands towards you , to get a better look of his mustache. Everyone broke into laughter. oh , my lovely daughter !!!

I still don't understand the psychology behind your behavior. But it is absolutely fascinating to watch you. As a scientist , it is amazing to see how you are attracted towards men ( especially , manly ones ! ) at such a tender age.

When we were flying back to Germany , a beautiful air hostess came near you with a bright smile. Your gave a very unfriendly expression. She didn't expect it. Actually , air hostess take pride in their appearance , in their hospitality. She hid her disappointment and asked me whether she was looking scary. In order to help her feel better I told that you prefer men. She smiled and winked. She said , " oh , she is in the right track " :) 

I am not sure when this " no women rule " will come to an end. Hopefully soon :)

Love ,
Amma

Love you to the moon and back

Pain

Anisha , now it's past midnight. I am lying near you crying my heart out. I have you , and everything else one would wish for. Is this depression ? I don't know. Perhaps , it's not. I had a dream. There was a dinner table. Many I know were sitting there. I say to the people there that I need a particular place in the dinner table because a person whom I am so fond of is supposed to sit next to that place. We were all waiting for that person but he was not yet there. We all fell asleep on the table. I woke up to find that the person is not yet there. I was crying ; I could feel the pain. The pain of not able to see that person. The pain of failed expectation ; the pain of neglect.  I cry and cry , and suddenly he was there. My heart jumps with joy and excitement. And , I woke up. The dream cleary shows my longing and pain. Do you know which is the worst pain in this world ? It is to know that you were just being used , and not loved or appreciated in anyway :)

Will putting this in words help me to sleep ? Hope it does , after all , writing is cathartic , especially , writing to you !

Amma