I danced !

Yes , I did. I can't be proud enough. All credits goes to my friend , Zeena ! She was the one who said , "Manju , we will do a simple dance for onam !" I was like , " Who , me !!!" But, she encouraged me, I went for the practice without much faith. But , I did pretty well. Other women in the group said , I did well too. So at the age of 39, I danced for the first time. My weight loss has helped immensely too. I was full of energy :)

I danced a long time back , exactly when I was studying fifth standard. I was 11 years then. I remember each and every details of it , the reason is .... read on , you will understand.

Teachers arranged a dance program for the school day. They selected bunch of girls, and a boy,  to perform the dance. I was in the center , and a handsome boy was my pair. Let me admit , I had a crush on him. Eleven years old might be too young to develop a crush for some , but not for intellectuals like us  I remember admiring his looks - very fair , curly hair ! He is our headmaster's grandson - they were Muslim's ! So, one fine day, we started the practice. I can't be more happy , right ? But as the practice progressed , the teachers realized that I was not so good in dancing.  Some girl from the side dancers performed better than me ! Then everything became topsy-turvy ! Teachers wanted that girl to be in the center ( obviously !)  and I was pushed  to the side. I was heartbroken. Can you imagine my plight ? I was no more the heroine , I was humiliated in front of my crush. And even worse , some other girl took my place,  and the privilege of dancing with my crush too . To make matters even worse , I already prepared the dress which was needed to perform as the center figure. It was different from the one's from the side dancers. Mine was a bright orange color with extra shiny decorations while other's dresses were a dull pink. The totally heartless teachers took my dress too and gave it to the girl who will dance in the center. Now , not only my crush , my dress is gone too. Can you feel my sadness ? I had to agree to everything , there is no other way. School day came , we danced , I couldn't bear seeing the girl wearing my dress - my beautiful dress , and dancing with my crush ! At that age , losing my beautiful dress affected me more than losing the chance to dance with my crush. Immediately after the dance was over , I went to the girl , looked straight into her eyes and said , " give me my dress , NOW !" I remember my mom looking at me strangely because that's so unlike me  I wore that dress , oh , how happy did I feel ! With that dress on , I went and received my medals for academic achievements from the chief guest. Thank God , that girl didn't get that privilege too !  That's a great flash back , right ? 

After that bitter experience , I avoided any dance programme. Why to humiliate myself ?! And after 29 years I danced again 

It's not my imagination , it's all real and it happened. I am happy that I got an opportunity to share this with you.

Anisha , I want that you know this : Never worry about other's opinion about you. If you like something do it. Doesn't matter who says what ! Never allow other's opinions to control you , especially, the negative ones. Once you loose the fear of public opinion and set your eyes only on your interests and passion , you will conquer anything. I am sure you will !

❤
Amma

Watching "Masha and the bear" !

It's 11:30 PM here. We both are watching "Masha and the bear". You slept well in the afternoon , and now you are not sleepy. Anisha , you wouldn't understand how much pleasure it is for me to watch a  cartoon with you - we both are laughing so loud , your dad has to warn us ( hehe 😜). Thank you for giving me a taste of childhood again ! Love you 😘❤
Amma

Our little princess !

Not so little anymore :) Only two years and six months , but it feels as if I am with you forever ❤

Low carb high fat diet !

I am trying to eat this way for sometime now , Anisha. It has made many likeable differences in me. Of course , there is healthy weight loss. Face looks fresh. But more than this , I am happy about the pain that has disappeared from my knee - there is less inflammation. I am also happy that my stomach feels so good from inside and outside. I am close to having a flat belly :) Carbs are not bad , but for my body ( insulin resistance ) excess carbs are harmful. This diet has helped my body a lot. I wish I knew about this when I was battling PCOD and harmonal disturbances at my peak reproductive period.

A trip to black forest !

My friend Devi came for a visit. So we went to visit few black forest tourist spots. How beautiful that area is ! Nature's beauty is at its best there. Your dad booked a place to stay in the middle of forest. It's more like a farm house. There were lots of cows , pigs and cats. You were running behind the cats. Devi gave you a nice company. You were calling her sister ! She is my classmate but she does look very young. Devi told me when we lost our twins , " Manju , I will be your surrogate ". That's very kind and compassionate of her. I am sure she misses you very much. You get attached to people too quickly. I am very happy that she came and that lead to this beautiful trip , even though it's just for a day ! I am sure Devi had a happy time with us.

Two years and five months ....

You are still happily breastfeeding :) So proud of myself ! Didn't want to lie , nowadays , I get angry at times , when you want to cling to my breasts. I have seen this with cats. After the little ones become a little bigger , and try to breastfeed , the mom cat gets very angry and tries to shoo away the young ones. The little ones will try to use every chance to cling to the breast. That's how we are nowadays. But I am still happy that breastmilk is great for you and gives you many goodies. So , two and half years and counting ....

You have gone out !

First time , in two and half years , you have gone to someone else's home without us. I and your dad are wondering what to do ! TV is running. I know your dad's mind is on you and so is mine. We thought you will cry and would come back immediately. No , it didn't happen. It's almost 20 mins now. The people who ' kidnapped 'you are a group of two boys and a girl. They are all engineering professionals. We already know a person in that group and he introduced two other people who live near our home. Actually , we could see their home from our balcony. As usual , when they are leaving , you don't want they go. So the girl said , "I will take her home. If she cries , I will bring her back ". I was so hesitant. I wouldn't have sent you if they are all men , definitely not. Now , I am sitting here and wondering how you are ! As I am typing this , I hear you cry :). You saw your dad from the balcony and want to come back :) Today morning , you held me tight and said , " Manju , I like you ". It felt so good to hear that in half-sleep. I love you too , Anisha , more than you would ever know. You will be back in minutes and my heart is jumping with joy. You haven't gone to kindergarten after that two weeks in February ! What happened ? Will write.

Amma

Sathya

The little one in the picture is Satyajith , your friend. We meet Sathya at least once a week. You love Sathya so much. He loves you very much too. If you don't meet each other at least once a week , I and his mom will be in trouble because you both will pester us. Once Sathya came , we went to receive his mom and Sathya in bus stop. As the bus approached , I told you that Sathya is coming in that bus. You were screaming in joy. Everyone was looking at you. As Sathya came out , you both were walking towards each other , and embraced each other in a warm hug. It was so beautiful , so natural , that moment will always be etched in my mind. Everyone there was smiling and looking at both of you. Sathya is one month elder than you. If you both fight , it will be horrible , too. Most probably , the fight is to take possession of a toy car or a ball. I am so happy you have a friend to play. When I see you both together , I feel as if I am seeing my twins :)

❤
Amma

Lots to write. Need to register many things. I must.

Love ❤

Below you have a copy of the letter Einstein wrote to his daughter Lieserl:

“Not many people understood me when I first came up with the theory of relativity. In this letter I will reveal something to you that you must transmit to all mankind. Beware, the message in this letter will collide with the popular prejudice and misunderstandings of our time.

I must ask of you to guard these letters and their message as long as you deem necessary. Years or even decades until you see society is ready to listen and accept what I am about to share with you. There is a force so extremely power, that science has still not found a way to explain it.

It is a power that engulfs and governs all other powers. I believe it is also in charge of all phenomena in the Universe, many of which we have not seen or explained yet. This universal force is LOVE.

cientists have not considered love in their efforts to present a unified theory of the Universe. They’ve neglected it even though it is the most powerful invisible force out there. Love represents Light, for it enlightens those who give it and receive it. It is gravity, because it makes people attracted to one another.

Love is power that brings out and multiplies the best of all life. Love keeps humanity from annihilating itself in its blind narrow mindedness and selfishness. We live and die for it. Love is God, and God is Love.

Through this force we can explain everything and find meaning in our lives. We have ignored love for such a long time, perhaps because we are afraid of it. Perhaps we ignore it because we cannot control it and quantify it. Explain it with our numbers and reason.

I believe I have found a way to make love more visible, and it is through my famous formula E = MC².

If instead of this equation, we accept that the energy for universal healing can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we come at the conclusion that love is limitless, therefore it is truly the most powerful force in the Universe.

Humanity has failed in its efforts to control the forces of the Universe, which have turned against us. In light of that, it is urgent that we heal and immerse ourselves in a different kind of energy…

For the purpose of our survival, and in our quest to find meaning to our existence we must ensure the survival of every living soul on Earth by turning to love. It is the only true answer and solution.

This force cannot be used through building a bomb of love, and use it to destroy all hate, greed and selfishness of our time. But never forget, each person has in them, a core made up of immense energy and love just waiting to be shared with the world.

When we learn to grow and master this force within ourselves, my dear Lieserl, we will realize the full power of love, and its ability to conquer all, transcend everything and anything, for it is the very essence of our existence.

I am forever sorry for not fully expressing the love I’ve always had for you in my heart. I realize I might be late with this apology, but please know I love you and it is thanks to you that I have reached the ultimate answer in life.”

Your father, 

Albert Einstein.

Anisha , the letter which Einstein wrote to his daughter is true word by word. I wish there comes a time in your life where you feel the full force of love - a love which shows a new , beautiful person who resides within you. A love which makes you feel strong and limitless. A love which brings out the best in you. A love which puts a beautiful smile in your face , always. A love which is not the expression of want and need but of love itself. Experiencing such a love will also show you who God is ! You must also read what I wrote about who God is : http://myselfishgenes.blogspot.de/2013/04/god-infertility-and-ivf_5.html?m=1

I was not aware of Einstein's letter to his daughter when I wrote this :) I wrote this when I was drenched in love ❤ 

Amma

Thankful is the word !

Thankful - that's the word I would use to describe this picture !

Bitten Apple

Your dad , pointing to the apple symbol on iPad , what is this Anisha ?

You : Apple

After few seconds , you said , " it's an apple which is eaten a little " ( you said it in Tamil : " Koncham sapta apple " )

At 28 months , you could observe clearly , think and express it clearly. I am amazed , Anisha.

Hearing 4 different languages , talking 2 already , is no easy task.

You are going to go places , provided we channel your talents the proper way. Will I be able to do that ?

Amma

Selfie time :)

Don't we look alike ;) I wish I were much younger , so that when you reach teen age you might have had a younger mom who would look like your sister. Now , I would look a lot older for sure :(  When you are 16 , I will be 53 years old. Menopause would set in , hormones will dip , I might put on lots of weight , my skin would shrivel , my knees would hurt :) But Anisha , I would love you the same ❤ I wish I could live longer , and this thought hits me the first time in 40 years :)

Amma

How time flies by !

Oh , you look so beautiful , Anisha ! I grew you within me - in my uterus and in my heart ❤ This picture was taken when you were around 6-7 months old. You are so grown up now ! Stay happy and blessed , my dear daughter. Love you so much !

You were fine

After two hours I went to pick you up and you were playing. It was a sunny day , so all the children were in an open ground. I searched you among those bundles of joy. You were there , near your caretaker. You were showing something to her and saying something. My heart was content , I felt relieved. After few minutes that lady saw me , lifted you up and came towards me. You saw me , jumped down from her hands and said a big ' Hi '. Then you came running towards me. Oh , what a joy it was to hug you and kiss you ! Separation makes love even beautiful ❤ , provided if we know that we will get back together. I asked you whether we can go home. You said ' yes ' immediately. That's very unlike of you. I have to manage a screaming child everyday before I could bring her back home. But after two hours of separation , you were done for that day. I talked to you all the way back home. We went to the bakery , brought a strawberry cake ( your favorite ) and went back home. You didn't eat anything in KG , so you happily had few bites of cake.

The next day also I left you and came immediately. You cried when I left. I didn't cry. I came home finished all my work and went to pick you up. You were playing and came home happily after seeing me. I was informed that you didn't cry much ; you didn't eat ; but you were playing happily. You said ' Tschüss ' to everyone happily and we came home. Hopefully , you stop crying very soon.

On Saturday , as soon as you got up , you picked up your shoes. You were insisting that I help you wear it. I was wondering what you were up-to ! You then asked me to give your winter jacket and cap. I asked  whether you want to go to KG. Your answer is ' yes '. I tried to explain you that it was a holiday. You were not content by my explanation , you were insisting that we go and was crying :) So , you love going there. That's a nice start , isn't it ?

I asked my mom about my KG days. She said , she doesn't remember me crying. She said , " you love meeting new people , no wonder you weren't crying ". But , I remember the day I went to 1 st std very clearly. My dad get transferred every 2 - 3 years. When I was about to start 1st std , we were in Tanjore. My mum came with me , joined me in school , took me to my classroom and left me there. It was a Christian Missionary run educational institution. It was spick- and-span. I would say , that school laid the foundation for who I am today , intellectually ( only two years of my education was from there ! ) The school was spread in several acres , they had a beautiful church and even a small zoo which contained rabbits and so on. I get very angry when I see nowadays schools which are run solely for profit - I don't understand how a building built in a meager space could be called as school ! The school I am talking about is called ' Auxillium Nursery School '. So , on the first day , my mom left me in the classroom and was leaving. I was scared for some reason. I got from my chair and ran behind her screaming. The teacher came out , knelt in front of me , and asked me , " Are you scared ? Do I scare you ? Are you scared of the scars on my face ? " I was dumbfounded. I observed her face for the first time. Her face is full of scars caused by small pox , I guess it must have been so severe , her face was filled with scars every inch of her face. I don't remember her face now but I remember the scars very clearly. They were so close to each other as if someone has carved small pits all over the face. I stopped crying immediately , I never cried thereafter. I felt her pain , I really felt it. Otherwise , I wouldn't have remembered that incident at all. I don't remember anything about her after this incident. I don't remember her way of teaching , nothing I remember about her. But I clearly remember trying to be extra nice to her always. Empathy is perhaps an inbuilt trait , a trait which is engraved in our genes !

Another person I remember from that school is Vedhavalli miss. She attracted me very much. She is kind , non - partial , treated every child well , always had a smiling face. She is thin , tall , black and had a beautiful face , mostly her face beauty is because of her personality. She was different , somehow very different from other teachers. She was our second standard class teacher. She was with us during play hours too. One day , we were all playing outside. She was asking us to stand in line. We were all trying to arrange ourselves. There was a boy in our class , he appeared bigger than all of us. That's what I remember about him. He suddenly went and kissed a girl. When we saw that we were all giggling. That was the age where we don't know much about physical display of affection , especially from someone other than parents. But we clearly know what he did is something out of the norm. I remember children complaining loudly to Vedhavalli miss about the incident. The boy was all embarrassed. I was eagerly watching what our miss is going to say. She looked at all of us and said we shouldn't laugh at him. She said , he liked the girl and so he showed his affection by kissing , that's not something wrong. I loved the way she said it. We are little children. She didn't try to avoid saying anything about the incident. That would be the way most teachers would have handled the situation. She said something very bold , very nice , very beautiful. I felt so even at that age. I loved and respected her for who she was. Do you know something ? After 30 plus years , I got in touch with her  via Whatsapp ( my friend gave her phone number ). I wanted to tell her this incident. She is retired now. I introduced myself. I don't think she remembered me. But she said she remembers me , that's very nice of her. But I couldn't talk to her much in Whatsapp. I could call her , but something is preventing me from doing so :) I don't know why , but I guess it has to do something about retaining the old memories - I don't want to loose the Vedhavalli miss I knew.

I have said a lot :) There are many school day memories - both good and bad ones. We will talk later.

❤
Amma

I am crying my eyes out

Dear Anisha ,

I cried all the way home from kindergarten. Today, they want that I leave you with them. If I am there , you don't want to abide by their rules. You try to break all the rules. The 'terrible two' period , and all the pampering you get at home is making you to ignore every rule they impose. You don't understand German and that makes it even more difficult. So , today , they want that I leave you with them. You were clinging to me and saying " No" when I said goodbye. I saw the fear in your eyes. I couldn't bear to see you like that - I closed the door of the KG room and broke into tears. Anisha , as much as it is hard for you , it's for me too. I wonder whether they take care of you well. I am sure they will. You might not get that special attention and enormous love , but I am sure you will be well cared for.

You love to go to KG. The first day in KG ( March 1st , 2017 ) you were screaming your lungs out. No ,you were not afraid. You cried because you didn't want to come back home :) It happened every single day then on - it's a struggle to bring you home everyday. Such was the happiness you had playing there. You were totally mesmerized. You cried all the way home after they sent us home on the first day , after an hour. You wanted to stay there longer, and, play , play and play.

You get ready every morning very happily. On reaching KG , you say bye to your dad several times. You hold my fingers and we climb the many steps, counting. You feel so happy to enter the room where your group children are ( you belong to ' little stars group ' ). As the children start coming one by one , you greet them happily. You love playing there with children , and the things that are present there. But , you don't like sitting in the table for breakfast. You simply couldn't sit there. You don't want to sit for eating fruits , too. And you don't want to sit with them when they are singing in the morning. Your mind is too active , you just want to run around. Not knowing the language makes things difficult , too.

Anisha , as I write this I feel much better. I wonder whether you are crying still. I wonder whether they are treating you kindly. I wonder whether I am doing the right thing - isn't your age too young for these struggles ? I wonder whether you will feel insecure hereafter. I wonder what's running in your mind now. I just want to hug you tight and say " see, I am here " . I can't wait to see you and hold you tight. Two more hours - I wish the time flies by ! Love you Anisha , I was never in so much love my entire 38 years of life. The mightiness of it makes me happy and fearful at the same time.

I know that , if not now , within a few weeks , you will be independent. You wouldn't want that I stay with you in KG. You might even forget me the entire time you stay there. As you grow , your need for me will get lesser and lesser. Many other people will become important in your life - first your teachers , then your friends , then the special someone who will make you dizzy with love , then your family , then your children who will make you realize what love is really about !  And someday , you might just call me everyday , or once a week to check how am I- just like , how I call my mother. But remember Anisha kutty , even in my deepest slumber I would always be thinking of you. I will be praying that you must be safe and happy always. That's what a mother's love is , and you will understand it when you become a mother yourself.

Love you so much , my dear daughter ! As you read this ,  imagine me as a ( crazy ) woman typing using her smart phone with stream of tears running down her cheeks :)

I really , really hope you stop crying and enjoy your time there.

Amma

Happy Spring Season !

Hope this spring brings you lots of happiness and joy ! Have a colourful life , Ani kutty ❤

Women's day message

" We are human beings just like men. We are not goddesses ; we are not meant to be loving , kind and caring all the time ; we don't have to sacrifice everything for the happiness of the family ;  we don't have to be chaste ; we don't need to be morally right everytime ; we don't need to be skinny , curvy , hot and beautiful ; we don't need to be well - groomed ; we don't need to give birth ,  be a mother , or a great home-maker ;  and most importantly , we don't need to fulfill any of the men's unrealistic expectations of who woman are. We are woman because we are born so. So , please allow as to live as you are. And women , stop saying these things : " My husband is a nice person , he never took dowry ; my in-laws are nice - they allowed me to work even after marriage , my husband was kind enough to use a part of my salary to support my parents etc , etc., You don't need others approval for being you. Stop allowing others to define who you are and how you must be. Realize , you are into this world just like them - you don't have to be a exceptional human to be a woman and you don't have to fulfill anyone's expectations of being a woman ! Women's day is not about celebrating " womanhood " ( why not celebrate menhood !  ) , it's all about uplifting other women who are not as privileged as you are and making them understand their rights. Don't get carried away by all the niceties said about you. Always remember , there are still so many women out there fighting to live a decent life , women who are denied basic human rights. Make sure to make a difference in one such woman's life. That's the real purpose of celebrating this day. If a woman thinks women's day is all about beautifying oneself to appear more feminine - sorry, you have a long way to go !

BE YOU !

Anisha , being a woman is simple and easy - just remember to be yourself !

Our little kitty !

That's you in today's carnival. You were a bit sleepy. You were not so happy with the crowd and noise :) I am not good at drawing , so please excuse me ! :)

25 months and breastfeeding still !

I can't be proud enough Anisha. People who think long time breastfeeding has no benefits are so wrong. You rarely fall ill , even if you do , it takes only couple of days for you to recover completely , yes completely ! In these two years , only once I took you to doctor for being unwell ( at 8 months ). They found redness in your throat and prescribed amoxycilin. That's it. Only when in India you caught cold couple of times , that was so mild. You didn't cough , you didn't have long periods of running nose. Just four to five days you had running nose then you were back to normal. Touch wood - you never had diarrhea or any other stomach problem. It was a cake walk for you as well as for me. But , it's definitely hard to feed you all the time. Nowadays , you constantly stick to my boobs  -  if you are bored , if you need solace , if you need milk , if you need to sleep and for many other reasons ! Sometimes you go on sucking , my nipples start to get dry and ache. Once you were doing so midnight , I got so angry , I told you that it hurts. You immediately turned to the other side. After few minutes , you turned back , held my chin , and said sorry. My heart just melted , I fed you without complaining afterwards :) Sometimes you come with your doll and ask milk for that too. I feed your dolls too :) I have heard enough criticisms. I don't care. As long as we both are comfortable , feeding will continue. The protection it gives you is enormous ! And the magic it has done to me is enormous too. I was never this thin. Especially my tummy fat has gone down a lot. Breastfeeding is not easy for both. To suck breasts you need lots of energy. To breastfeed I need lots of determination , patience and energy too. I am happy that we did it together.

Manju

Goat love !

Anisha , when we go back to India , we will have some pets at home. Pets teach many beautiful things which humans can't - the most important among them are unconditional love and mortality !

I am sorry - haven't written for a while !

I was not in a great shape , mentally. Was in no mood to write. Or , I wanted to stay way from everything for a while. Did it help me ? Unfortunately , not much.

I think I must also apologize to people who are visiting my blog for updates. We are fine , thank you !

Anisha , you have grown a lot. You speak a lot. You try to speak sentences. As you are hearing two different languages , it's a bit hard for you. But you understand both languages very well and follow all the commands. Next week onwards you will start kindergarten. So , you need to learn one more language - German ! I hope we are not confusing you too much. I really feel sorry for you. But you know what , you will come out much more intelligent by being exposed to so many languages. I am very sure about it. And you already know lots of words in English - by watching rhymes and cartoons !

You now want to have friends. Staying at home is boring for you. We went to India and came back. You had a friend named Shakthi - your first friend ! You loved her company. You even woke up saying her name :) As usual you enjoyed the India trip , and all the pampering that comes with it. After coming to Germany you were asking about Shakthi , Karthi and Deepu ( Anju's sons ). You were also saying thathaiya ( grandpa )  , mamaya ( uncle ), athaiya ( aunt ) , aachi ( my mom ) all the time. It was so clear you missed them all very much. It was a struggle for two weeks for all of us to get used to the life here in Germany.

You also enjoyed the company of all the animals. Goats are your favorite. There was a little goat , a very little one , born a week before we went to Madurai. You enjoyed every moment of your time with it. I see myself in you at such times. You even wanted to kiss the newly born buffalo in its mouth ! We need to forcibly remove you. Love for animals is of course controlled by genes , too.

You love birthday parties. You loved your second birthday party , too. You love the candles , the cake and singing " Happy to yooou" :) We are forever thankful for your presence.

I and you

nowadays fight a lot. You don't listen to what I say. I don't listen either. Your dad says we make a great combo :)

Will talk a lot later !

Here are some pictures of your birthday party ! That little girl is Shakthi.