My first birthday with you and the little me !

Dear Anisha,

Today, I am 37 years old. Your presence has made this birthday very special. My previous few birthdays were just a reminder of passing years, empty arms and a yearning heart. And this year, my arms are too full and my heart very content. I thanked all the people who helped me to have you - it felt good to do so !

People asked me how I celebrated my b'day. If celebration is all about inviting friends, cutting cake and having a nice dinner, I didn't do anything of that sort. As usual, I spent all day with you while your dad was at work. We went to Krabbelgruppe meeting in the morning. It was held in playground this time. You were eagerly watching the children play.  Anisha, you have started to smile at children to get their attention. But alas, they were very busy running around and playing - no one noticed your smile.  You are too little for them. Wait little one, soon you can join them, I am sure you will have lots of fun !

In the morning, your dad wished me with a kiss on the forehead. I didn't think he remembered my birthday (normally he used to talk about it in advance and this time he didn't), but he did. He also told you that today is my birthday and made you kiss me. Then, he was off to work. In the afternoon, he called me to ask what model Amazon Kindle I would like to have and he got me the best which is available in the market. That's very, very sweet of him. I wanted to have a Kindle for a long time now. I hope you will give me enough time to read books ! It's also time to buy some books for you, I am excited about it !

I called my mom to get her blessings. She was very happy for me. She was excited because you are with us this birthday. She started to talk about her elder child proudly (that's me, me!) - how I was, when little ! She said a lot of things about me.

Your grandma said, I was 3.5 kgs when born. I had lots of curly hair and looked like a doll. My eye lid was red in colour and everyone was saying that I came with a natural eye shadow. I captured everyone's attention. I was a very happy and friendly baby too. I was so friendly that I didn't want to come back to my parents after going to strangers ! :P I had a special liking for doctors, and when taken to  hospitals, invariably, my parents have to struggle to take me back from the doctor !

My mom had enough breastmilk until I was six months old. Then, there was not much. My parents not knowing how to feed an infant, gave me cerelac diluted like milk. I started to lose weight. My grandma who came to visit us was shocked to see me. She scolded my mom for being so ignorant. She started giving solid foods for me. Anisha, I am very much aware of the importance of good nutrition for you at this age. I am trying my level best to feed you nutritious food. I am not afraid to experiment, and you are enjoying most of the things I prepare for you or buy for you. I was not this happy anytime for being a biologist - it helps me to understand your nutritional needs better ! I realize that a biologist will be a great mom too :) I have ignored many of the cultural and traditional beliefs, and   scientific misconceptions, when choosing food for you and I am happy I could do so. You are now eating egg yolks, liver, meats  variety of vegetables and fruits, and of course my favorite food - idly :) But still, your main nutrition comes from breastmilk. You are loving food and that's what my aim is. I do not want to force you to gulp something (so as to finish my work ! ). I want that you enjoy eating good food. I avoid sugar, salt and cow's milk at any cost. And, I never give you something similar to cerelac which is nothing but crap. It contains loads of carbohydrate without any real nutritional benefit. I was shocked to hear people say, "give her cerelac, she will put on lots of weight" ! Indian's obsession about heavy and fair skinned babies will never cease to exist !

My mom also said,  I was very kind, helpful and compassionate to the needy. I never said no to anyone, and was happy to give whatever I had without a second thought.

She said, when I was around two years old, a ten year old kid used to come to the grassland near my home, rearing goats. I used to happily give all the toys to her and run behind the goats :) I loved animals and I still do. My dream is to have a pet dog for you when you are a little grown up (around five years or so !). I hope your dad doesn't object to it (he is not comfortable having pets), and I really wish you would grow up to love animals too. When you are a little more grown up we will have a small aquarium, Anisha. My dad had one when I was little and it gave me much joy to watch those colourful pets.

I was fearless too. Nothing scared me, absolutely nothing.

When I was around three years old, I was sent to kindergarten. My class teacher was trying to coax me to hold the chalk and write alphabets. I was in no mood to do so. She forced me to write - I pulled her hair and slapped her ! It doesn't feel so good to write it down, especially, to tell you. It was a very ugly thing to do and that too at such a tender age. I wish you never have temper problems like me. I don't really understand what made me to do so. My mom said, the teacher did punish me (perhaps she slapped me too, if so, that's not very kind of her :D !) and took me home and complained to my mom. My mom was dumbstruck to listen to what I did. But eventually, I became that teacher's pet :)

After I started to talk, I used to ask lots of questions. I was  curious about everything and anything. The only way to shut my mouth is to give me something to eat.

When I was around five or six years old, my mom took me to a place of worship. It was evening time and everyone was singing devotional songs. I was wondering what to do. I thought it is mandatory to sing and started to sing an item number from a movie - obviously that is what I knew ! :) My mom has to forcefully shut my mouth and remove me from that place.

My mom told me another incident. Once I saw a pig being tied to a bicycle and taken away. I felt very sorry for that poor animal and I was asking my mom, why they have to do so. Suddenly, I started to take deep breaths, as if, I was struggling for air. My mom was afraid to see that, but it did get better after sometime. I think, I had this for some years. I vaguely remember it now. When something affects me deeply, in someway, I had such panic attacks. I guess it's a panic attack.

It was so interesting to hear the stories about my childhood. I also realized that I haven't changed much.

Thirty six years on this earth is a blessing - many didn't have this opportunity. I have had a very rich life filled with so many different experiences. I have won, I have lost.I have done right, I have done wrong. I have made mistakes which I regret, and some which I don't. I have loved too much, sometimes, until it hurts, and hated very little.  I have lost my loved ones - either to death or to circumstances ! I have hurt people and I have got hurt. I have many a time hurt myself too with my choices. I have a wonderful life partner. I have longed for a baby, fought for it and I am very thankful that I have you now. I am happy that you didn't happen by accident - you are a byproduct of intense longing, courage, strength and determination. My life is not without difficulties - but every difficulty has helped me to grow stronger. I am what I am, and I have no regrets at all. I am very proud of my life, proud of myself. Most importantly, I am very thankful for having this life.

Anisha, I do wish, you grow up to be like me in many ways and as good natured as your dad. But then, isn't it an oxymoron ? :D

Much love, amma

Trip to animal park

We did go to tier park the next day, on 14.7.2015. Even after getting up in the morning, I was wondering whether we must go. Lack of proper sleep did make me very tired and lazy. But I gathered all my energy and decided we must go. I am happy that we went - it is such a beautiful place. The park is spread over several acres with a dense canopy. There are some goats, lambs, wild pigs, donkeys, horses and a tortoise. You were looking around, but you are not so curious about animals yet. You did have a good time watching the surroundings eagerly, watching the children, and you had a great sleep too. I think, fresh air and comfortable weather made you sleepy. So here we go :

You will outgrow my laps but NEVER my heart

Dear Anisha,

Today, you completed 6 months of your life on earth. I hope it is fun and you enjoy the stay, especially, with us ! I want to thank you for the immense satisfaction you have  brought to our lives, your presence has made our life worth living.

Anisha, as you grow, you look so beautiful and charming, I wouldn't mind having few more pair of eyes to admire you. I think, if the energy which people call as God has a human form, She would look like you. A pure, untainted energy radiates and shines through you and it is extremely mesmerizing and captivating. That's why, Lord Krishna, portrayed as a little one of your age captures our heart so easily.

Today, we traveled to Frankfurt. We needed to collect your OCI card from Indian consulate. The entire day we had to spend there. We gave your passport in the morning and collected your OCI card in the evening. In the mean time, we went for shopping to buy some Indian groceries and some clothes for you. You are outgrowing your dresses  quickly - very, very quickly !

It was a good day. The weather was not too hot. It was drizzling. You are slowly overcoming your fear of foreign places. Especially today,  you are very happy, happy and smiling most of the time. You're also curiously observing everything around you.

Anisha, in the Indian grocery shop there is an aunty whom I know for sometime now. She will be of my age. Long time ago, we struck a conversation and learned that she doesn't have children too. Since we were in the same boat then, we were comfortable having little conversations whenever we meet. I told her I was going to take treatment from India. She said that she was also seeing doctors in Germany, and they have found a big tumor in her uterus which has to be removed. I conceived twins meanwhile, and she underwent the surgery to remove that tumor - fortunately it was not cancerous ! She saw me pregnant with twins and congratulated me saying she is happy for me. Time rolled on, I lost my children at 20 weeks, went to India for 6 months, conceived you. Then I met her only when you were 3 months old. She was glad to see you. After that meeting we met only yesterday. Anisha, I felt very guilty when I compared myself with her. She came to Germany as a refugee because of the war that was going on in her motherland. They were not provided with a passport for years, so traveling to Sri Lanka was almost impossible and still is. She must have lost a lot in her life because of the war - her safe haven, her family and much more ! Now she works in that shop as a labourer. She definitely doesn't have much money or knowledge to pursue her quest for a baby. When I saw her today, the differences in our life was so obvious to me. I couldn't ask what her further plans are. I know very well she desires a baby, who wouldn't ? We met each other eyes, smiled, and moved on. I didn't know what to talk. Then, when I was about to leave, we met again. She saw you in the pram and said that you have grown up. I again gave her a smile and tried to hide myself as if I was trying to search something. I felt very bad, life is very, very unfair ! I didn't know how to let go of the guilt I was feeling; I didn't know how to help her; I didn't know how to have a comfortable conversation with her, like before. I looked at her again, went and gave her a tight hug wishing within me that all her dreams must come true. We didn't speak a word. I left immediately, I hope she understood the message in that hug.

Then we went to the main shopping area in Frankfurt. Before having you, whenever I go shopping for dresses, I used to look at the children's section with a longing. I used to go and look at the dresses, especially, girl childrens' dresses ( Anisha, I wanted you, exactly you - a girl child ! ) and wonder whether I will ever have an opportunity to buy them. But now, I am shopping there for you, to my heart's content. Oh, how thankful I should be !

Anisha , the entire day I missed you. You were in your pram all the time. I took you for feeding few times but you were too excited and happy and didn't want to feed for more than few minutes. I missed holding you close to me. In few more months, you wouldn't need me as much as you do now. You might not want that I hold you often. Oh, little one, how much I will miss these days then ! Anisha, I am sure you will not fit in my hands in few years, but, you can never grow big enough to outgrow my heart - NEVER !

It's time to go to bed. You are already asleep. I dread to go to sleep. When I lie down, all the thoughts I have suppressed within me will spring up. In the darkness my eyes will start to tear up. And even worse, when I get up at midnight, there will be a sudden rush of those thoughts again - the thoughts and words that haunts me ! I want to scream, cry my heart out, I want to talk, I want to be listened, I want to be understood, I want to be comforted. I wish my dad is with me.

I tell myself again and again that it is all my mistake and I deserve the treatment I got from people whom I have hurt. Whatever I feel now, whatever I got, is the result of my own actions. I don't know whether this will pass. Perhaps it will never ! But, I haven't done anything too wrong than to love too much ! 

My friends tell me that, when they feel sad or depressed, they look at your photos and your smile - it brightens their day. I am so happy to hear this. Your smile helps me too Anisha. It helps me to have faith that all will be OK someday. 

Tomorrow, in krabbelgruppe, they are going to animal park. I feel so tired, should we go ? 

Love,

Amma

There is only one beautiful child

And every mother has it.

Annaprasanam - a ceremony to celebrate the introduction of solid food !

Anisha kutty,

You tasted your first solid food at 5 months and six days, on 20.6.2015. Your nanamma (paternal grandmother) wanted that we pray to God and give you kheer (a sweet) made of rice. In your dad's place they celebrate this day very grandly. I have seen pictures of little ones dressed beautifully and having a taste of first solid food. So, on 20.6.2015, we celebrated (only we three) your annaprasanam too. (Annam = rice; prasanam= introduction). I gave you rice mixed with dal (lentil) and ghee. Your dad gave you payasam (sweet). You liked rice+dal+ghee combination better. We both looked beautiful and no need to say your dad looked handsome, he is always so !

Anisha, may you enjoy good health always ! I hope you develop a very healthy eating habit. I understand that it is in my hands, I promise to do my best. I cook really well, tasty. I will definitely help you to get a taste for healthy and good foods. I believe being a biologist and a good cook will help me a lot to accomplish this.

Below are some of the pictures taken during Annaprasam - oh, you looked so beautiful ! Stay blessed my dear kuttyma ! Love you always.

At the end of the function, many things like book, money, etc were kept in front of you and you were allowed to pick up what you like. It is a belief that the thing you pick first will be your interest throughout your life and you will excel in it. I kept a book near your hands reach ;) Now you know what I want you to do :) Nothing in this world could beat the satisfaction and protection knowledge and wisdom gives, so, make sure to have a passion for learning, afterall, life is nothing but a learning experience. The more you learn, more will be your ability to enjoy life. And, make sure to share the knowledge and wisdom you gain with others -the more you share, more you grow and it will also make your life very meaningful too ! 

Yours,
Amma