Depression

Dear Anisha,

I am depressed and sad. Whatever I think of, a fear sets in. My eyes tear up constantly. But for most people I appear very normal, even cheerful. I really wish I could overcome this hopeless situation !

You might ask, "what happened, amma ?" I will tell you someday. For sure I will. I hope you won't get judgemental. I hope you will understand me. I hope you will continue to love me more !

I know why I feel this way. The foremost reason is, I miss someone's presence in my life. And, I also feel guilty, neglected and worthless. I must learn to let go of people who are not meant to be in my life. But, is it that easy ? At least for me it is not ! This situation just cripples me emotionally.

All I hear in my ears is, " you can't undo the harm you have done " and that too from a person whom I dare not to hurt even in my dreams.

My self-esteem is at stake too. How else would one feel when they are called 'shameless' or been accused of having a disgusting behavior ?

I have hurt some people whom I shouldn't. I am wrong, not in my own eyes but in others understanding. This feeling - when you can't repent for what you are, but you have to, is hard to tackle. Why won't I repent ? Why can't I let go of my delusions and obsession ? Why am I stupidly stubborn ? Why am I too intutional ? Why do I use my heart more than my brain ? Why can't I be much innocent, a bit more ignorant and lot more poised and God-fearing ? Why, why and lots of why's !

Anisha, I am very tired. All I tell to myself is, nothing should harm you. You must stay blessed. My behavior shouldn't bring you bad karma ! It won't, right ? Say it won't.

Love,
Amma