Dear Anisha,
Today, you completed 6 months of your life on earth. I hope it is fun and you enjoy the stay, especially, with us ! I want to thank you for the immense satisfaction you have brought to our lives, your presence has made our life worth living.
Anisha, as you grow, you look so beautiful and charming, I wouldn't mind having few more pair of eyes to admire you. I think, if the energy which people call as God has a human form, She would look like you. A pure, untainted energy radiates and shines through you and it is extremely mesmerizing and captivating. That's why, Lord Krishna, portrayed as a little one of your age captures our heart so easily.
Today, we traveled to Frankfurt. We needed to collect your OCI card from Indian consulate. The entire day we had to spend there. We gave your passport in the morning and collected your OCI card in the evening. In the mean time, we went for shopping to buy some Indian groceries and some clothes for you. You are outgrowing your dresses quickly - very, very quickly !
It was a good day. The weather was not too hot. It was drizzling. You are slowly overcoming your fear of foreign places. Especially today, you are very happy, happy and smiling most of the time. You're also curiously observing everything around you.
Anisha, in the Indian grocery shop there is an aunty whom I know for sometime now. She will be of my age. Long time ago, we struck a conversation and learned that she doesn't have children too. Since we were in the same boat then, we were comfortable having little conversations whenever we meet. I told her I was going to take treatment from India. She said that she was also seeing doctors in Germany, and they have found a big tumor in her uterus which has to be removed. I conceived twins meanwhile, and she underwent the surgery to remove that tumor - fortunately it was not cancerous ! She saw me pregnant with twins and congratulated me saying she is happy for me. Time rolled on, I lost my children at 20 weeks, went to India for 6 months, conceived you. Then I met her only when you were 3 months old. She was glad to see you. After that meeting we met only yesterday. Anisha, I felt very guilty when I compared myself with her. She came to Germany as a refugee because of the war that was going on in her motherland. They were not provided with a passport for years, so traveling to Sri Lanka was almost impossible and still is. She must have lost a lot in her life because of the war - her safe haven, her family and much more ! Now she works in that shop as a labourer. She definitely doesn't have much money or knowledge to pursue her quest for a baby. When I saw her today, the differences in our life was so obvious to me. I couldn't ask what her further plans are. I know very well she desires a baby, who wouldn't ? We met each other eyes, smiled, and moved on. I didn't know what to talk. Then, when I was about to leave, we met again. She saw you in the pram and said that you have grown up. I again gave her a smile and tried to hide myself as if I was trying to search something. I felt very bad, life is very, very unfair ! I didn't know how to let go of the guilt I was feeling; I didn't know how to help her; I didn't know how to have a comfortable conversation with her, like before. I looked at her again, went and gave her a tight hug wishing within me that all her dreams must come true. We didn't speak a word. I left immediately, I hope she understood the message in that hug.
Then we went to the main shopping area in Frankfurt. Before having you, whenever I go shopping for dresses, I used to look at the children's section with a longing. I used to go and look at the dresses, especially, girl childrens' dresses ( Anisha, I wanted you, exactly you - a girl child ! ) and wonder whether I will ever have an opportunity to buy them. But now, I am shopping there for you, to my heart's content. Oh, how thankful I should be !
Anisha , the entire day I missed you. You were in your pram all the time. I took you for feeding few times but you were too excited and happy and didn't want to feed for more than few minutes. I missed holding you close to me. In few more months, you wouldn't need me as much as you do now. You might not want that I hold you often. Oh, little one, how much I will miss these days then ! Anisha, I am sure you will not fit in my hands in few years, but, you can never grow big enough to outgrow my heart - NEVER !
It's time to go to bed. You are already asleep. I dread to go to sleep. When I lie down, all the thoughts I have suppressed within me will spring up. In the darkness my eyes will start to tear up. And even worse, when I get up at midnight, there will be a sudden rush of those thoughts again - the thoughts and words that haunts me ! I want to scream, cry my heart out, I want to talk, I want to be listened, I want to be understood, I want to be comforted. I wish my dad is with me.
I tell myself again and again that it is all my mistake and I deserve the treatment I got from people whom I have hurt. Whatever I feel now, whatever I got, is the result of my own actions. I don't know whether this will pass. Perhaps it will never ! But, I haven't done anything too wrong than to love too much !
My friends tell me that, when they feel sad or depressed, they look at your photos and your smile - it brightens their day. I am so happy to hear this. Your smile helps me too Anisha. It helps me to have faith that all will be OK someday.
Tomorrow, in krabbelgruppe, they are going to animal park. I feel so tired, should we go ?
Love,
Amma
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