You will outgrow my laps but NEVER my heart

Dear Anisha,

Today, you completed 6 months of your life on earth. I hope it is fun and you enjoy the stay, especially, with us ! I want to thank you for the immense satisfaction you have  brought to our lives, your presence has made our life worth living.

Anisha, as you grow, you look so beautiful and charming, I wouldn't mind having few more pair of eyes to admire you. I think, if the energy which people call as God has a human form, She would look like you. A pure, untainted energy radiates and shines through you and it is extremely mesmerizing and captivating. That's why, Lord Krishna, portrayed as a little one of your age captures our heart so easily.

Today, we traveled to Frankfurt. We needed to collect your OCI card from Indian consulate. The entire day we had to spend there. We gave your passport in the morning and collected your OCI card in the evening. In the mean time, we went for shopping to buy some Indian groceries and some clothes for you. You are outgrowing your dresses  quickly - very, very quickly !

It was a good day. The weather was not too hot. It was drizzling. You are slowly overcoming your fear of foreign places. Especially today,  you are very happy, happy and smiling most of the time. You're also curiously observing everything around you.

Anisha, in the Indian grocery shop there is an aunty whom I know for sometime now. She will be of my age. Long time ago, we struck a conversation and learned that she doesn't have children too. Since we were in the same boat then, we were comfortable having little conversations whenever we meet. I told her I was going to take treatment from India. She said that she was also seeing doctors in Germany, and they have found a big tumor in her uterus which has to be removed. I conceived twins meanwhile, and she underwent the surgery to remove that tumor - fortunately it was not cancerous ! She saw me pregnant with twins and congratulated me saying she is happy for me. Time rolled on, I lost my children at 20 weeks, went to India for 6 months, conceived you. Then I met her only when you were 3 months old. She was glad to see you. After that meeting we met only yesterday. Anisha, I felt very guilty when I compared myself with her. She came to Germany as a refugee because of the war that was going on in her motherland. They were not provided with a passport for years, so traveling to Sri Lanka was almost impossible and still is. She must have lost a lot in her life because of the war - her safe haven, her family and much more ! Now she works in that shop as a labourer. She definitely doesn't have much money or knowledge to pursue her quest for a baby. When I saw her today, the differences in our life was so obvious to me. I couldn't ask what her further plans are. I know very well she desires a baby, who wouldn't ? We met each other eyes, smiled, and moved on. I didn't know what to talk. Then, when I was about to leave, we met again. She saw you in the pram and said that you have grown up. I again gave her a smile and tried to hide myself as if I was trying to search something. I felt very bad, life is very, very unfair ! I didn't know how to let go of the guilt I was feeling; I didn't know how to help her; I didn't know how to have a comfortable conversation with her, like before. I looked at her again, went and gave her a tight hug wishing within me that all her dreams must come true. We didn't speak a word. I left immediately, I hope she understood the message in that hug.

Then we went to the main shopping area in Frankfurt. Before having you, whenever I go shopping for dresses, I used to look at the children's section with a longing. I used to go and look at the dresses, especially, girl childrens' dresses ( Anisha, I wanted you, exactly you - a girl child ! ) and wonder whether I will ever have an opportunity to buy them. But now, I am shopping there for you, to my heart's content. Oh, how thankful I should be !

Anisha , the entire day I missed you. You were in your pram all the time. I took you for feeding few times but you were too excited and happy and didn't want to feed for more than few minutes. I missed holding you close to me. In few more months, you wouldn't need me as much as you do now. You might not want that I hold you often. Oh, little one, how much I will miss these days then ! Anisha, I am sure you will not fit in my hands in few years, but, you can never grow big enough to outgrow my heart - NEVER !

It's time to go to bed. You are already asleep. I dread to go to sleep. When I lie down, all the thoughts I have suppressed within me will spring up. In the darkness my eyes will start to tear up. And even worse, when I get up at midnight, there will be a sudden rush of those thoughts again - the thoughts and words that haunts me ! I want to scream, cry my heart out, I want to talk, I want to be listened, I want to be understood, I want to be comforted. I wish my dad is with me.

I tell myself again and again that it is all my mistake and I deserve the treatment I got from people whom I have hurt. Whatever I feel now, whatever I got, is the result of my own actions. I don't know whether this will pass. Perhaps it will never ! But, I haven't done anything too wrong than to love too much ! 

My friends tell me that, when they feel sad or depressed, they look at your photos and your smile - it brightens their day. I am so happy to hear this. Your smile helps me too Anisha. It helps me to have faith that all will be OK someday. 

Tomorrow, in krabbelgruppe, they are going to animal park. I feel so tired, should we go ? 

Love,

Amma

There is only one beautiful child

And every mother has it.

Annaprasanam - a ceremony to celebrate the introduction of solid food !

Anisha kutty,

You tasted your first solid food at 5 months and six days, on 20.6.2015. Your nanamma (paternal grandmother) wanted that we pray to God and give you kheer (a sweet) made of rice. In your dad's place they celebrate this day very grandly. I have seen pictures of little ones dressed beautifully and having a taste of first solid food. So, on 20.6.2015, we celebrated (only we three) your annaprasanam too. (Annam = rice; prasanam= introduction). I gave you rice mixed with dal (lentil) and ghee. Your dad gave you payasam (sweet). You liked rice+dal+ghee combination better. We both looked beautiful and no need to say your dad looked handsome, he is always so !

Anisha, may you enjoy good health always ! I hope you develop a very healthy eating habit. I understand that it is in my hands, I promise to do my best. I cook really well, tasty. I will definitely help you to get a taste for healthy and good foods. I believe being a biologist and a good cook will help me a lot to accomplish this.

Below are some of the pictures taken during Annaprasam - oh, you looked so beautiful ! Stay blessed my dear kuttyma ! Love you always.

At the end of the function, many things like book, money, etc were kept in front of you and you were allowed to pick up what you like. It is a belief that the thing you pick first will be your interest throughout your life and you will excel in it. I kept a book near your hands reach ;) Now you know what I want you to do :) Nothing in this world could beat the satisfaction and protection knowledge and wisdom gives, so, make sure to have a passion for learning, afterall, life is nothing but a learning experience. The more you learn, more will be your ability to enjoy life. And, make sure to share the knowledge and wisdom you gain with others -the more you share, more you grow and it will also make your life very meaningful too ! 

Yours,
Amma

Your first kiss !

And, that's for me ! On 20.6.2015, we had a small celebration. I will let you know what it is all about in my next letter. Your dad was clicking pictures of you and me. Suddenly, you gave me a kiss, yes it is a kiss ! I rewind that moment again and again. I couldn't guess what made you to do that, do you really know how to kiss ? I was taken by surprise first and then happiness. The good thing is, your dad captured it. It felt so good to receive your token of love, Anisha. I might have given you thousands of kisses until now. And I never thought I would receive such a lovely kiss from you so soon. A picture will express emotions much better when words are not enough, so, here is your first kiss :

A few pictures of us

These pictures were taken by Raj mamaya at Tanay's birthday party held on May 29th, 2015. I told you that I have learned to smile from you - these pictures are a proof for that. What do you think by seeing these pictures ? I have never smiled so happily in front of the camera. Don't we look great together ?

The first time you rolled over...

You were so happy and proud. The below pictures say it all

Krabbelgruppe

Dear Anisha,

Yesterday, we went to a small gathering organized by new mothers in the community we live in. It is called krabbelgruppe. Before kids attend kinder garden, they need to meet other kids of their age - to befriend, to socialize ! A krabbelgruppe helps to achieve this. In a country like India, where birth rate is high, there is no need for such arrangements. There will be lots of kids in the neighbourhood - making friends and playing together will never be a problem. But, in a country like Germany, where birth rate is lowest, it is hard to find children in neighbourhood. Hence arrangements like krabbelgruppe becomes necessary. Our house owner's daughter has a two year old son, named, Ben. He is a cute looking, friendly, shy young man. His mom is a very nice, very helpful, young lady. She offered to take us to the krabbelgruppe in this community. She said that they gather every Tuesday for one and half hour and so we went yesterday, on 9.6.2015.

Anisha, I was determined to go there evey week so that you could get rid of your fear of strangers. You are a very happy child when you are with us, at home. We never see you crying, never ! The only time your voice gets stronger is, when you are hungry. I make sure that you get my nipples within few seconds of you asking for a feed. Other times, you are pretty happy and smiling. Yes, you are a very happy baby ! But, when you meet strangers, especially when you go to a place where more than a couple of people are gathered, you get so unhappy and annoyed. You refuse to smile; sometimes it is very hard to pacify you. You cry and cry and cry. You must get used to people. And little one, you also need other children to grow happily. You need to enjoy their company and socialize. I believe, this will help a lot for your healthy development. Moreover, you need to meet your tiny enemies - the bacteria and viruses,  more often ! Your immune system must Iearn to fight those tiny intruders and develop resistance. Inorder to achieve all this krabbelgruppe is the way to go.

Yesterday morning, at 9:45 AM, we left our home by walk. It took 15 minutes to reach the church where the krabbelgruppe is held. Katherine (Ben's mom) was chatting with me all the way, I really wish my German language skills could improve this way. She can't speak English and my German is very poor. But we managed to have a good conversation amidst the language problem. The  way to krabbelgruppe is so beautiful. I could see vine yards; I could see greenery everywhere; I could see roses of different colours - big and beautiful ! My eyes were so happy by the aesthetic treat it got. My heart was as light as a feather. Anisha, I wanted to show you everything too but you were in no mood to watch all that. You were full of anxiety since we came out of your safe place - home !

After few minutes walk, we entered a church and climbed the wooden stairs. There was a small corridor at the end of the stairs. There was a closed door there and I could hear childrens' voice inside. We went in opening the door. There were five more ladies with their adorable kids. Katherine introduced us to everyone and we were greeted with a friendly smile. Everyone was looking at you eagerly. They exclaimed, ' oh, kleine maus !', meaning 'little mouse' and that's how Germans love calling their little ones.

Then everyone sat in a circle with their little ones nearby. There were children ranging in age from 12 months to 3 years. You were the youngest. Every child was given some small percussion instruments, like, tambourines. Then, they sang many German rhymes. The children and their moms were acting to the verses in the rhymes. The rhyme I liked most goes like this - slice the bread, apply butter, keep the hot dog and cheese, put some mustard and ketchup....Are you wondering what's so special in it ? When singing that German song, all the moms stretched their legs and made their little ones lie on their stomach. Then, as they sang the song, they considered their little one as bread and performed all the actions on their children -  from, cutting the bread, to, applying ketchup. That appeared like a gentle massage on their little ones' back. The children enjoyed it so much. Some were giggling. At the end, when the bread was ready to be eaten, they lifted their little one, turned them and pressed their mouth on their little ones' stomach as if they are biting the bread. The little ones broke into giggles and laughter, what a sight it was ! After coming home, I did so with you many times - of course you enjoy it too !

Then every child picked up their favorite toys from a pile of toys. You were given something to play with - colourful building blocks ! To my surprise, you were not crying. As soon as they sang rhymes, your anxiety vanished. Your eyes became bright with excitement. You were moving your lips as if you want to join them in singing too. You were happy about those colourful play material given to you. You started to pick them up. Since most children are elder than you, they were not much interested in playing with you. Emily was sitting near you. She is 14 months old. Her eyes were so beautiful - big and greyish ! She came near you, tried to play with the things which were given to you. She picked up the blocks and tried to arrange them. Josephina was curious about you, she was two and half years old. She came near you. When you touched her accidentally, she moved away from you, saying, no. It was so nice to watch all those little ones and their behavior.

After  an hour or so you have had enough. You started to cry for milk. As I was feeding you, Josephina came near and was watching curiously. After drinking milk you fell asleep. I made you lie in the pram seat. Your pacifier was hanging, clipped to your dress. Josephina came near you, picked the pacifier and brought it close to your mouth and touched your lower lip. You were fast asleep. She thrusted the pacifier in your mouth. My heart missed a beat ! But you took the pacifier and went back to sleep. Then the little one tried to cover you with a towel. She made sure your legs were properly covered. It was so cute to look at. Josephina's mom was calling her. She was in a different word, totally engrossed in what she was doing - trying to make you comfortable; mothering instinct exists in little girls too !

It was time to leave. They again sang a farewell rhyme. As we came out of the church, Josephina was still near you, holding your pram. I asked whether she wants to come with us, she replied yes. Her mom was calling her. She was totally unresponsive to her voice. Then she left half-heartedly. 

The following week we went again to the krabbelgruppe ( on 16.6.2015). This time the weather was much better so they met in a playground. For the first time you felt the sand with your hands and feet ! I was worried about it, but, all German mothers were so comfortable in allowing their little one, including a little one who is of your age, to play in sand. That calmed me a bit.

You enjoy the krabbelgruppe meetings; you love watching the children play. The children are curious about you. You are way too little for them. But, I am sure, as you grow up you will make many friends. I love going there too. It gives me an opportunity to meet other moms. It really helps to learn many things.

Grow up little one, you have exciting and happy times ahead ! I can't wait to see how you behave with a group of children - hopefully you are very friendly, compassionate, loving, sharing and caring ! Am I expecting too much from you ?

Love,

Amma