Back to Germany !

Anisha , we are back. I feel horrible. The weather is cold and grey. I miss the sun , the lively environment and the people. I miss the emotional safety India offers. I am sure you are missing all the love and affection , the sun , the animals , the freedom to roam around and many more. I feel sorry for myself , sorry for you. When in India , I used to tell your dad that we must stay in Germany. But , from the day we came back I was thinking when should we move back to India. You need people , you need their love and protection. I do not want that you grow in Germany. The one and only reason is - I don't want that you be left alone here in Germany at some point of your life. I want you to grow up in India where you feel emotionally happy and safe. I want that you be with your grandma , grandpa , aunts , uncles and all the little ones. India is the best place for you to grow up.

We had a wonderful trip. You enjoyed the most. You were perfectly fine. No infections , no diarrhea , nothing - I attribute this to breastfeeding. Yes , I still breastfeed you. You haven't taken any other milk until now and I am so proud of my body. You caught a cold few days before we were about to leave India. Otherwise , you were fine. We celebrated your birthday there. You looked like a princess. I couldn't believe how much you have grown up !

Although , I didn't want that your first birthday is celebrated this way ( with pomp and show ) , it was done so in order to make your grandparents happy and contended. I always ended up with an argument with your dad regarding your birthday celebration - for me my daughter's birthday is a time to cherish all the wonderful memories ! I wanted that day to be different. I wanted your birthday celebration to be a private event. I wanted that day to be pure , satisfactory , meaningful and peaceful. I wanted that day for ourselves - to think about the events that led to your birth. I wanted to replay the moment I first saw you. I wanted to feel grateful and thankful. I wanted to think of everyone who made you happen. But , unfortunately , the day passed in a different way. Of course , it does look beautiful when we look at the pictures , now. But , it was really stressful with so many people around. There was lots of artificialness - in dressing , in smiles , in talk ! I am so allergic to pompous celebrations , it drains me completely . At the end of the day , I feel low because of all the artificial highs. Sometimes , I wouldn't be able to fall asleep after such a celebration - I find no joy in them !

But , we did something nice before your birthday on 21.12.2015. We went to Grace Kennet Foundation in Madurai and met all the children there. Anisha , those children don't have anyone. They were abandoned by their parents. Some were abandoned in the most cruelest manner - half buried in sand or thrown in water. I was shocked to know that some people could act so ! But , I am happy that the children now have a safe place to be in. There's enormous difference between the way you grow and they grow. You need my warmth to fall asleep. They sleep in their crib unattended by anyone. We kiss and hug you often. They don't have anyone to do so. You play with us , they play alone. When you cry , you are soothed immediately. They have no one to do so. Ha , the unfairness of life !

Anisha , we donated a small amount on your name to GKF. Your dad wants that the receipt be included in your baby album. The reason for doing so is not to make you proud. You must understand that there are so many underprivileged children in this world. You must make sure to use the privileges you receive to make their life better. You must always be thankful for what you get , and the best way to show your thankfulness is to pass on the goodness to people who are in need. I hope , my child has the heart to feel others pain , to extend her support to them , to appreciate the blessings she gets in her life and be thankful always.

Anisha , you have started to walk. Exactly on 11.1.2016 , you started to walk without any support. From then on you are non-stoppable. You understand many things now. When I say "no" , you move a finger side to side , and that means "no". I was not sure whether you know the real meaning of it. One day , your dad and I got into an argument. Your dad raised his voice. Your face became very uncomfortable. You were struggling to say something. You raised your fingers and moved it side to sidd. What a moment it was ! So , you know very well the meaning of "no" :) When we say , "open your mouth" , you say " ha , ha , ha ". That's the cutest thing I have ever heard. You love animals and you have no fear for them. You saw cats , dogs , monkeys , cows , goat , elephant and buffalo. When you saw the cats in my home , you extended your hands and made a sound " ba , ba , ba ". How on earth you knew to call animals like that ! You loved watching animals and wanted to touch them. You are trying to repeat few words. I can't wait to see you talk.

I have lots of beautiful pictures from India. I would like to explain some of them to you so that the memories associated with them are not lost ; it will help you to know when and where the picture was taken. Hopefully , I will try to do so. Nowadays , I lack the desire to write. What have I done to myself !

You are sleeping peacefully near me. I am wondering what should I prepare for lunch today - I want to prepare something nutritious , something tasty , for you. How about broccoli and chicken soup ? I think it would be great for this cold weather. When you wake up we need to go to the supermarket opposite to our home. I am always wearing my mommy hat and nothing else.  Anisha , the time I spend with you are the best times of my life.

Love ,
Amma